Posts Tagged ‘music’

“Are you searching for purpose?
Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You’ll see purpose start to surface
No one else is dealing with your demons
Meaning maybe defeating them
Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.”

I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure myself out. I know what I want. I know that if I can work myself hard enough, I can have it.

But it’s been a little easier said than done when your body decides to be twice as tired as it typically is, and hurting in nice fun new ways that make doing pretty much anything impossible. Plus, I got hooked on Marvel’s Jessica Jones on Netflix, and had to get the first season binge watched in less than a week.

 Next week I’m supposed to see my Rheumatologist and it’s stressing me out quite a bit more than I’d like. I’ve had so much happen, so much disease manifestation and progression, that I don’t want to go hear whatever she will say about it all.

Plus there have been loads of other stressful things going on, and all around I sort of feel like I’m unraveling.

comeonkid

But, I’m still going forward with the things I want. I’m still trying to learn new things so I can make new things. I’m trying to get my body to a point it isn’t having a meltdown. I’m trying to keep up with Wandering NerdGirl and make it into everything I wanted it to be.

Mainly, I’ve been needing to write, which comes easier to me on some days than others. I was a writing machine, cranking out posts and chapters and everything for a little while. Then BOOM – I slow waaaay down. I’m trying to get myself back into the swing of things, but it’s been a struggle. I used to, before sickness and stress and life drained me of everything, be able to write write write until the only thing slowing me down was hand cramps. I’d fill notebooks and print hundreds and hundreds of pages. I wrote during and between classes in High School, and when I’d get home from school. When I was in college, I wrote before classes and between them, and even tried to sneak in some writing during classes. I used to write on work lunch breaks. I spent summers at my desk, writing for hours on end.

But then stress took over. And from stress sprung illness, a mighty beast even for me to deal with.

I’m trying, though. I’m trying as hard as I can to find a way to get everything I want from life. I’m trying to get the words to come even when I can’t form a coherent thought because the brain fog is so heavy. I’m trying to give myself things that help put me back into my head correctly. It just takes time.

I finished a chapter of my current WIP the other day, and I’m hoping to finish a chapter or two this weekend if I can push myself enough. We will see.

~Angel

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I haven’t posted a Soundtrack of a Misfit post in quite a while, but this one needs to be posted. I heard this for the first time in this new year, and immediately it raised my spirits and made me smile. I knew this song was going to be the anthem for 2015, and that of course I needed to share it.

Here’s some lyrics for you:

“I Lived” by OneRepublic

Hope when you take that jump
You don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out
They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
You’ll say…

[Chorus]
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

[Verse 2]
Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup

I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I’ll say…

[Chorus]
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

From the viewpoint of a chronically ill person, as well as just how I would prefer to live my life, this song is PERFECT. I’d like to believe this is going to be my anthem for 2015, despite all the changes, or maybe even thanks to all the changes. So I guess we’ll see.

~Angel

alice

“My life’s all I got, and Heaven is all in my brain.
And when I feel I’m in Hell, my ideas are what get me through pain.”

 It’s been a crappy health related week or so. Not too horrible. But there are some scary things happening and some procedures and ASAP referrals to new specialists for test concerns. I broke down crying yesterday, having a childish “why me/not fair” fit. Honestly, you deserve those sometimes when health stuff gets stressful, but not all the time. I can’t be broken all the time. Too much to get done.

But with the 5 billion things going on, I didn’t finish up my chapters for Brittaney (slipped my mind, can’t imagine why) and so now I feel like an extra super failure for not writing like I was supposed to. And with me being gone for two weeks, I’ll be even more behind on my writing, unless I take a laptop or notebook and some printed stuff with me to work on while I’m gone. But then I have to do a lot of hoping that I don’t end up too exhausted to write.

And I honestly am so freaking ready to just pack up and leave for Orlando. So ready. But I have a little over a week until I actually leave, so there is still waiting to be done. Luckily, not much. But the stress relief will do wonders for my health, I’m sure. If not physically, then at least mentally. I need my happy place.

 Despite the bad stuff, I am sketching more, and obviously the desire to write is there. Even with the chaos of the week, I did some writing. I just didn’t make it to my goal. I even worked on some outline stuff for NaNoWriMo to prepare for November.

 My creativity is willing to jump in and distract me from the pain and stress and everything else until I can escape for a while to refresh my mind, body, and soul.

Hopefully soon I can start sharing some art with you guys regularly, and possibly even have some to sell. But for now, I just sketch and practice and work away at being better.

Until next time,

~Angel

“And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight.
But maybe it isn’t all that funny,
That I’ve been fighting all my life.
But maybe I have to think it’s funny
If I wanna live before I die.
And maybe it’s funniest of all,
To think I’ll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be”

-Amanda Palmer, In My Mind

noone

Consider my quieter posting habits a good thing for the moment, because I’ve been hard at work on projects – both manuscript revisions and managing Hail to the Geek, Baby. My plan to give chapters every week to my best friend so I’m being held responsible if I don’t take the time to write is actually working out well. I’m powering through those revisions and tweaking the story exactly the way I want it. I like the direction I’m taking it this time, which is good. Plus feeling like I have a deadline to get oh-so-much worked out makes me a little more focused on getting it written.

Hail to the Geek, Baby is doing alright. It’s still a baby needing to be nurtured so it can grow into it’s full potential. Some posts get 50+ views the first day, while some are lucky to get 10 in a week. It’s a work-in-progress, and I’m taking care of it the very best I can. Let’s hope it gets some more love and affection in the coming weeks. I’ve got a great staff that may be growing soon, and that’s always something wonderful to have.

But I can’t deny there are many bumps on my path to improve my life and commit to myself. There were a few points this weekend that my body was so violently rebelling against me that I really considered going to the emergency room. I’ve felt pretty awful as of late, and I’m trying to change that by taking better care of myself. Can’t expect miracles overnight, though.

At least I have a nice long trip (hopefully) to look forward to the end of September into October. What was supposed to be an unpleasantly short Orlando trip is turning into a pleasantly long one if all goes well. I could use the escape to my Happy Place to get my mind readjusted to a place it needs to be. I get closer to who I am when I’m away from it all.

 And honestly, even though I do have my moments where I’m miserable with my life, I also realize that it isn’t my life I am miserable with. I am unhappy with aspects that cause problems in my life. These are things that can be weeded out in order to live happily as the person I am. I am happy with my choice to be a writer: I am not happy with my limited time. I am happy taking artistic pictures: I am not happy with getting limited in what I can do creatively. I am happy making art: I am not happy with people telling me what to make and when to have it done. I am happy with my geeky nature, but I am not happy with people telling me I need to ‘Grow Up’, when there is nothing wrong with loving who I am and the things I love.

When I leave, I am the person that I want to be. I bring a little piece of that person back with me each time.

Anyway, more updates to come!

~Angel

I’ve been invited to participate in a blog tour about the writing process. It was started by Maya Rock www.maya-rock.com. I was invited fellow writer and Facebook friend, Megan Bostic http://meganbostic.blogspot.com

daydream

1) What am I working on?

Oh, you know. Everything. Anything. Nothing.

Honestly, I’ve been splitting my time between edits on the book I’d like to query – let’s nickname it BM, shall we? – as well as two in-progress stories, one of which isn’t much more than an idea still being fleshed out. I normally prefer to actively work on one at a time, but with my Sjogren’s brain, I can only do so much. It’s all over the place, I’m all over the place. It’s a mess in here. *taps forehead*

I’ve also been trying to have more practice at writing in general, specifically trying to get out of my fictional comfort zone. I took a class last semester called “Creative Nonfiction” which I honestly thought would become my breaking point to make me realize I’m a joke of a writer and should give up while I’m ahead. Turns out, I was wrong, and did fairly well in the class. I ended up passing with Honors, my extra Honors project being paper over Sjogren’s Syndrome and my journey with it. My instructor loved it. I was amazed I made it. But it really gave me a much needed boost. I thrive in classes like that, even when I’m doubting myself.

So, to gain more practice, I’ve been writing for various things. There was, of course, interviews and reviews for A Thousand Lives Reviews. But I haven’t been able to log into that blog for some time now, and that’s a bit disappointing. I’ve also been a Staff Writer for Ax Wound, which is a giant honor to me, and I’m proud of my work there.

And, oddly, if I could get around to having more time for it… I think I’d love getting back into FanFiction.

2)How does my work differ from others of its genre?

This is a weird question to me. Obviously I think it stands out because, well… It’s MINE. My work, my voice, my way of perceiving and regurgitating this grand adventure we call Life. Was that a bit much? Oh well. The point is, what I really see as the difference is that it’s my way of doing things, my voice shouting into the void.

3)Why do I write what I do?

I write what I do because that’s what I like to read about. Mostly, it’s just because some idea pops up in my skull one day, and off I go scribbling things down until there is something worth fleshing out. Sometimes it’s a thought, or an image, or just something playing out in my head like a memory. I write what I do because it’s just what the Muse is throwing at me. She pokes and prods at my brain until I give in and give her what she wants.

But mostly, I write because there is something within me that needs to come out, and so I release it back out into the world with words or paint or photos until I can think clearly again. That’s why I write what I do. That’s why I spent a lot of time writing strictly horror – because I had a festering darkness that needed to come out. Now I just want to prance around La-La Land. And that’s just fine.

4)How does your writing process work?

Oh, you know:

TwirlPencil

Actually, in all reality, my writing process is simple. I just sit down and let the words come. I’d like to say I have that stereotyped image of me sitting in Starbucks with my laptop, sipping on some coffee and hammering out a bestseller. But that’s not how it works for me because a) I hate coffee, and b) I’m not a Café Writer. Writing is a very solo experience to me. I like to be alone with my headphones on. Usually I write at my desk or at the dining room table. Occasionally, I sit outside on really nice days, especially if I’m working on something that has to do with my characters being outside. I’ve also been known to write at specific tables outside of the college between classes, as well as in the library at one of the private cubicle things.

Wherever I am, I let the words come. If it’s a specific project, I read over where I left off, maybe glance through notes etc. If I’m just free writing for the sake of getting an idea or scene out, I just let whatever needs to be written down come out. I typically work off of paper initially, or at least for a good portion of whatever I’m working on. It’s not too common that I write everything out on a computer. Not that I don’t like to, I just enjoy handwriting everything first for whatever odd reason. I have notebooks upon notebooks of work.

Which leads me to this: I’m a Notebook Writer (there are various types of writers in my mind), which essentially means I carry a notebook everywhere at all times, or at least make sure I have a pen. For example, the instance of being so inspired in New Orleans, I was scribbling thoughts on top of a pizza box as I walked down Royal street. Wherever I travel, I take a notebook of some form with me. I keep a notebook in my purse at all times, to fill with quotes or dialogue or ideas or whatever I need to jot down.

But it’s all part of my process as a writer. Mainly, I’m a slave to the ideas and the muse. I’m also a big fan of music while I write. I especially like making soundtracks based off of music that I feel matches the overall theme or even some specific scenes for whatever I’m writing.

 

So, there you have it – My Writing Process. Now, here’s where I’m SUPPOSED to tag someone else. I tagged my friend Alesha, but I don’t know that she’ll have time to post one… so, we shall see. Otherwise, I’m a partial failure. 😀

~Angel

BeAWriter

So, I made a fairly spontaneous decision to jump on an opportunity to go to New Orleans. It was pretty last minute too, since I had less than a month once I decided, in January, to book my travel plans to go down in the beginning of February. But I needed a getaway, and when the chance presented itself… I couldn’t resist.

Granted, what was supposed to be a morning flying down with an afternoon of free time turned into me having to drive down at 3pm when our flight got screwed up did really stress me out more than necessary, I still managed to get to New Orleans (granted, it was almost 4 am) and enjoy myself:

Scan0028

Why, yes. That is Matt Smith – the 11th Doctor, the Raggedy Man, in Doctor Who 😀

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Scan0029 Robert Englund, one of my favorite people in the entire world.

Childhood Role model, Elvira!

Childhood Role model, Elvira!

Not to mention, spending a good eternity one night being a very enthusiastic background person while filming for SyFy. Whenever that comes out, I will be sure to share with everyone.

Now, I did get more done than just running around with celebrities and filming things. I also managed to touch base with my pesky muse, who had been randomly passing out drunk all over the place and not properly doing her job, mostly because she’s upset with me for not spending as much time together as we used to. Well, Muse, I hate to break it to you, but some of us have jobs and illnesses and don’t get to lounge about all day watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model! *sigh* *deep breath* Okay, I’m sorry, Muse. That was a bit much. I’ll apologize to both you AND our guests.

As I was stating before, I spent time with my lovely and wonderful, presently sober, and forever brilliant Muse while I was in New Orleans. We were so bonded that I could actually feel the persistent ache of my creative juices wanting to flow and be free. I’m not sure if it was the mind-numbingly long drive (to me, at least), or the fact that New Orleans is just good for my soul. But I was inspired just by being there:

A little artsy-smartsy fantasy I lived out: sketching the St. Louis Cathedral while sitting at the Café Du Monde.

A little artsy-smartsy fantasy I lived out: sketching the St. Louis Cathedral while sitting at the Café Du Monde.

Walking home from (my personal favorite restaurant I've found so far in New Orleans) Angeli on Decatur with my delicious leftover Lucifer's Pizza, I was so taken by the music playing in the streets and just the ever-building inspiration, that I literally HAD TO start writing on my pizza box as I walked. I then transferred ideas from pizza box to notebook. XD

Walking home from (my personal favorite restaurant I’ve found so far in New Orleans) Angeli on Decatur with my delicious leftover Lucifer’s Pizza, I was so taken by the music playing in the streets and just the ever-building inspiration, that I literally HAD TO start writing on my pizza box as I walked. I then transferred ideas from pizza box to notebook. XD

So there you have it, a brief summary of my trip to my beloved NOLA. I need to take a trip back when I have less going on that preoccupies me. Take the time to fully give myself over to the inspiration and not worry about another damn thing. I know my muse would like the time with me.

~Angel

 stuck
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

One of these days, whether it’s in ten minutes or 60 years, I will be dead. This is the natural order of things. We’re born, we live, we die. It’s never a fun thing to anyone involved, but there you have it. I like to believe I will have lived the greatest life to my ability by the time that day comes. So, I’m making a list of things I want to do before I die, and I want to achieve them before I’m 35  –  a fair amount of time, really. I’d like to accomplish them all before then with years to spare for a second list. But we’ll see. Some are very serious things, others are a little… silly to some people. But to me, these are some important things. So hang in there with me.

Seven Things I’d Like to Do Before I’m Dead:

  • Finally become a published author. Not for fame or fortune or anything like that ( I understand how rarely that comes out of writing), but rather because I’d like to think there is something there in my words to help get someone else through a difficult time in their life. Books have served as an escape for me all my life, it’s only fair I return the favor.
  • Buy a drink for David Della Rocco. I could easily add extra shiny things to this: Have a drink with David Della Rocco, Sean Patrick Flanery, and Norman Reedus… in the Boondock Saint in New Orleans. But I’m stretching a lot there. Main point is, I admire David Della Rocco quite a lot, and would love to buy him a drink and just converse with him a while about various things. This is a slightly more impossible dream, but who knows.
  • Finally make it to England and Ireland. There is a huge list of places I want to go. HUGE. But I’ve been wanting a trip to England and Ireland both for forever. So let’s get those taken care of.
  • Feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m tired of feeling like I’m some hideous creature compared to literally everyone else. I want to love myself.
  • Make Sean Patrick Flanery proud of me. That sounds ridiculous to a lot of you, I know. But he really is an inspirational guy to me, and earning his respect would mean a lot. He’s one of my favorite actors and my favorite person I’ve ever met. He’s given me the motivation to take control of my life again, and I want him to realize how serious I am about that. I’m the girl with the Jimi Hendrix song for a name. I was a brief few moments in his life, but he was a huge chunk of mine.
  • Help someone else make their dream come to life. I’m a fan of helping people succeed. If I think you can do it, then you can.
  • Live my life as best I can for those that have passed on before me. Alright, this may be a bit rough to do as a ‘before I’m 35’ thing, and has to work until I’m actually dead. But still. I’ve lost too many good people too soon, and I was to carry on for them and live life as best I can for their sake.

 

There are several other things I could add to this, but these are the ones I’ve narrowed it all down to for now. I can work on these things. I’m 23 and have loads of time. But I have to start now. Because in the end, what I want most is to be happy. But I wasn’t born to live an ordinary life in the middle of nowhere. I was put here to do something more with myself and be something more. So, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll try to update as I take scratch these off my list.

Next post, Nashville. I hope.

~Angel