Archive for November, 2012

Thankful.

Posted: November 25, 2012 by Angel Young in Uncategorized

[And I think you should know this, you deserve much better than me.]

I’m never there for the people I should be, not like I was. Part of it is easily blamed on trying to make a life for myself in the adult world, which tends to mean I’m working and exhausted and don’t have time to do whatever whenever. A good chunk of it nowadays is the fault of the Mysterious Sickness of Doom – health comes before goofing off. If I’m feeling crappy, then I can’t and shouldn’t try to go out. In the end, I could come up with a million reasons why I cannot, and not enough reasons why I can. People end up thinking I’m ignoring them, or I don’t care, or whatever. I understand that. But sometimes I wish they understood where I’m coming from. It isn’t that I don’t care.

Of course I am thankful for family, for all of my friends – new and old, for the roof over my head, and so much more. But there are a few people that mean the world to me and more, and I would really like to acknowledge them. It’s not that I don’t consider other people important or close to me, it’s just that these people in particular need to be noted.

[While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.]

To Alesha,

Chick, there isn’t a whole lot to say to you that hasn’t been said. We may not always see things eye to eye, but it never seems to matter at the end of the day lol. You’re there for me with the good and the bad, happy days and days I’m falling to pieces. You listen to my complaining and insanity and the strange messes I get myself into, and I appreciate this more than you know. We may not see each other all that often, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t close. I love you, girly. Stay awesome.

To Skylar:

You and I have been friends for quite some time now. Our age difference sort of amazes some people, but it’s all good. You’re practically my little sister and I love you to death. We’ve had a few rough spots with each other, but who hasn’t had those? At the end of the day, you’re still my little sister, and I will still stand by your side. I see how beautiful of a person you are, inside and out. I miss our car ride adventures, ridiculous conversations, and singing loudly to songs randomly. You’re one of my very best friends, and I will always be there for you. I’m going to miss you like crazy when you leave.

To Krissy:

I know you aren’t my biggest fan anymore. I know you felt like I used you as a security blanket, and that when things fell apart you felt like I abandoned you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I have done that’s hurt you. I really, truly am. Every single day I’ve missed you and wanted to fix things, but really didn’t think you cared or wanted to. Every time I turned around for the longest time, all people would tell me was how much you hated me, and it broke my heart. I really didn’t think I’d make it without you.

Then, a few months ago, right before I went into the hospital, I was talking to Brittaney about how I really thought I was going to die, and that I really wished I wouldn’t have left everything like it was and that I really didn’t think I’d have time to fix things. While she encouraged me to message you, I didn’t. Mostly because I was scared to get rejected when I needed you so badly. But my first night in the hospital, I got a message from you and started bawling like a big baby. I’ve wanted so badly to fix our friendship, and I understand that you probably don’t. But you do need to know how very much I miss you, and how that message probably helped me more during those couple of days more than any of my treatment up there. I’m not sure if you’ll actually get to read this, but if you do.. I’m sorry I failed you.

To Brittaney:

You are my parabatai, my best friend closer than a sister. While we have had some awful showdowns, they never last. At the end of the day, you are my rock and I am yours. I know I’m not always the easiest person to get along with, but somehow you love me all the same. I will always be there for you. We are infinite, after all haha.

To Taylor:

You’re my whole world. A best friend and a boyfriend wrapped up in one. You’re my guide out of my madness. You’re the Mr. J to my Harley Quinn, the Frankenstein to my Bride. I love you more than you’ll ever know. 🙂

~Angel

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I’m an incredibly confusing person to know, let’s just throw that out there now. I’m a mess of contradiction and chaos and I do what I can to tame it but really, it’s no good most of the time. For example, even though I’m an introvert and quite fond of my alone time, I am quite paralyzed by my autophobia. For those of you that may believe I’m afraid of cars, you are incorrect. You see, autophobia is the fear of being alone. Here’s a copy paste definition:

Autophobia is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated.Sufferers need not be physically alone, but believe that they are being ignored, unloved, threatened by intruders, and so on. Autophobia is also used in its literal context to mean an irrational fear of oneself. It is sometimes associated with self-hatred. Autophobia may be a symptom of other psychological disorders or it may predispose a person to developing other psychological disorders.

Mainly, I am consumed with a dread that I will lose everyone that I care about – I have super abandonment issues, I guess you could say. But I also very much have the literal context: I am afraid of myself. I’m my own worst enemy, to put it very simply. My mind and I do not always agree, and sometimes it’s like I can’t shut my brain up long enough for reason to come through. This is where my very rarely mentioned addiction to cutting became so prominent in my life. I was mislead to believe it a means of control, but really I realize now that hurting myself only lets the other thing win. It has been a long battle, but I’ve been recovering.

Annnnyway, on to the main point of this babble: I’ve had a shit Thanksgiving break for a variety of reasons. The one big positive has been my marathon of InuYasha I’ve been having with myself. I’ve loved this show for years, and it really makes me happy to watch just because it sort of takes me back to a much more simple time in my life. It reminds of of my friends I’ve lost and friends I still have. Good times, etc.

One of my favorite episodes is “The Truth Behind The Nightmare: Battle in the Forest of Sorrows” (of course it has to be the one with the huge friggin’ name.)

Now, I wasn’t really sure what it was about this episode that I adored the first time I watched it. I just knew there was something about one of the lines that haunted me, about how InuYasha’s deepest fear was to be alone, and that the only true way to free himself from it was to die. His companions are all trapped and dying within these nightmares, and he’s desperate to pull them out. Toward the end he realizes he cannot free them himself, he can only encourage them to save themselves.

Watching this episode nowadays, now that I understand things a little better, I realize just how much I identify with InuYasha, especially in this particular episode. He’s the courage of the group, the cocky, brave, strong “I don’t need anybody” sort. A lot of people see me as ‘the strong one’. Even I know how strong I actually am, which is why I have the reminder tattooed on my right wrist. But being this person has good and bad effects. I want to save everyone else. I want so badly to keep my friends from making the mistakes that have nearly destroyed myself and those around me. Sometimes people don’t want to be protected. Sometimes people want to make their own mistakes. That’s their choice, and I need to learn to accept that. I’m trapped in my own nightmare, watching everyone I love fight their own battles, and I am powerless to do anything more than offer my encouragement and stand by their side.

The truth behind the nightmare is that I do not want to be alone. I do not want to lose those I love because they help me keep the courage I need to fight on every single day. Without them, I’m a wounded creature. The fight in the dog will fade.

So, my next post will be back tracking to the most recent holiday: what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

~Angel

I am not meant for a normal life. No 9 to 5 job, no burger flipping, no paper pushing. I just go nutso. I can do these things, it’s not like I am incapable of such a task. It simply makes me miserable and takes up my time and leaves me with a million things to do and no time for my creative outlets.
To a regular person, this would be a problem, but likely not a huge matter. But in my world, I need this outlet. Art and writing and photos… They act as stress relief. They keep me in check and make sure I don’t lose my mind. This is how I’ve managed to handle all of the depression and anxiety and being a schizotypal little mess. When I cannot get time to myself to work on these things that make me happy, I start to fall apart.
My stress level is right back to critical, with little red flashing lights and sirens going off screaming at me to relax before it kills me. My body isn’t taking it well because of the Mysterious Sickness of Doom. I feel horrible all the time, sorta like that really awful whole body misery you feel with a really bad cold/flu/strep thing that makes you never want to leave bed. Except magnify that big time. My fever never goes away, it only shoots up, breaks a bit if I’m lucky, then slides down a little. No idea what’s wrong still. Of course.
I’m trying to get my schedule for next semester figured out, but I have no freaking clue how I’m going to get it straightened out since I can’t get registered for some dumb reason plus I have no idea how I’ll pay for it . So FML, and this dumbass college.
I’m trying to take my life back, though. It’s killing me at this point. I’m pushing myself too hard for too many people and really, I don’t need that right now. My health should be a priority, not letting people down or worrying about being broke or whatever. If I’m down for the count, none of that will matter anyway. Not to mention, it’s almost like I’ve given up my dreams. This particularly upsets me, since I was so very close to achieving everything I wanted. But then life tries to eat your face and you get a job and lose focus and… yeah.
So, time to figure shit out and take back what’s mine.

~Angel

Brief update.

Posted: November 6, 2012 by Angel Young in Uncategorized

Life is a funny, funny thing. And the past several weeks, I have felt like every day is a bad day, no matter how very hard I try to have a decent day, somehow something happens that really just destroys it. Everything is such a disaster right now, I’m not really sure how I’m going to pull off getting out of this mess. But I’m still trying, even though it’s running me into the ground. I’m really, really trying.

Now that my second job-job is wrapped up for the season (Halloween store I work in every year called Johnnie Brock’s Dungeon), I may have a tiny bit more time for posts, writing, art, photography, etc. So expect to see more of me soon. Shooting Thursday and Sunday anyway, so yay =)

Anyway, shall write more later.

~Angel