Posts Tagged ‘travel’

I watched a special on HBO while stuck in my house due to an ice storm this weekend. It was called “Every Brilliant Thing”, and it’s definitely worth checking out. But, it inspired me. I want to start making a list of every brilliant thing to me in life. Everything that makes life worth living.

It’s no secret that I struggle with depression. I have for over half of my life, now. Usually, I manage just fine. But some days, it gets to me. It’s like a poison spreading through my system, leaving me weak. I can’t find the light, and that’s my biggest problem in that state of mind: I’m lost in the darkness, and cannot find the good to pull me out of it.

So, I’m giving myself a list of things. Things to read and remember what makes me even slightly happy. I’m giving myself a way out of the darkness.

Let’s start by cheating a bit with my list of things I was thankful for a few posts ago:

1.) Movie nights with someone you love.

2.) My Batman collection. 

3.) My nieces. 

4.) Fur babies. 

5.) Feeling inspired. 

6.) Productive nights of insomnia. 

7.) Feeling accomplished. 

8.) Qdoba nacho dates with my  best friend. 

9.) The hunt for collection things.

10.) Long calls with your favorite person.

11.) Clear nights with the moon and stars shining bright.

12.) Hoodie weather.

13.) Nature walks / Hikes.

14.) Road trips with good company and good music.

15.) The exhilaration on your favorite rides.

16.) Doing something kind for someone else, and knowing they appreciated it. 

17.) Knowing this was the first December in a few years I didn’t have a surgery scheduled.

18.) The catalyst of meeting Kevin Smith a little over one year ago. 

19.) Filling up a box of comics.

20.) The excitement of somewhere new.

21.) Being so happy that I can’t stop the big, dorky grins. 

22.) Painting with music blaring days. 

23.) Adventure. 

24.) Chinese food. 

25.) Supporting the dreams and projects of others.

26.) The Bat Force / Bat Force Radio while working on my collection. 

27.) Naps.

28.) My fandoms.

29. ) People equally passionate about the same things I am.

30.) Good memories.

31.) Cards Against Humanity nights. 

32.) My closest friends.

33.) My BEST friend.

34.) Everything about a certain someone. 

Now, let’s add a few more on, to make it a proper new post:

35.) Meeting your heroes.

36.) Comic Cons

 37.) Finding new movies you absolutely love.

38.) The song that becomes Our Song

39.) Comfy socks.

40.) The first day of feeling better after being sick.

41.) Peanut Butter M&Ms 

42.) Art days after school in high school, working on projects with people that meant the world to me.

43.) Hot apple cider in my Ouija mug when I’m sick.

44.) Good, long conversations.

45.) Dressing up as Harley Quinn

46.) Poetry

47.) The work of Charles Bukowski

48.) Unexpected gifts of things you want, but didn’t ask for.

49.) When the person you fall in love with, falls in love with you.

50.) Happy dances.

There we have it. My first 50 things. I hope to read through them when I’m down, and then add to them, and hopefully use this tool to pull myself back out of the grips of depression.

~Angel

elephant-rocks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and usually this time of year, I like to make a stereotypical post about things I’m thankful for. So here’s a list of what I’m thankful for, or just brings me joy right now (in no real order):

Movie nights with someone you love.

My Batman collection. 

My nieces. 

Fur babies. 

Feeling inspired. 

Productive nights of insomnia. 

Feeling accomplished. 

Qdoba nacho dates with my  best friend. 

The hunt for collection things.

Long calls with your favorite person.

Clear nights with the moon and stars shining bright.

Hoodie weather.

Nature walks / Hikes.

Road trips with good company and good music.

The exhilaration on your favorite rides.

Doing something kind for someone else, and knowing they appreciated it. 

Knowing this is the first December in a few years I don’t have a surgery scheduled.

The catalyst of meeting Kevin Smith one year ago. 

Filling up a box of comics.

The excitement of somewhere new.

Being so happy that I can’t stop the big, dorky grins. 

Painting with music blaring days. 

Adventure. 

Chinese food. 

Supporting the dreams and projects of others.

The Bat Force / Bat Force Radio while working on my collection. 

Naps.

My fandoms.

People equally passionate about the same things I am.

Good memories.

Cards Against Humanity nights. 

My closest friends.

My BEST friend.

Everything about a certain someone. 

There are many, many other things I could list. But these were the first things to come to mind today, and that was the most important part of this to me: the RIGHT NOW.

I hope everyone has a great week, and if you’re celebrating – a great Thanksgiving.

-Angel

I am ready to move forward. I am ready to not only chase after my dreams, but catch them and beat them into submission. Well, okay. Maybe I won’t be that violent with my dreams. But you get the idea. I am ready for more.

“In the face of such hopelessness as our eventual, unavoidable death, there is little sense in not at least trying to accomplish all of your wildest dreams in life.” – Kevin Smith, Tough Sh*t: Life Advice From a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good.

I’ve been pretty focused on being healthier lately, both mentally and physically. I’ve been focused on making better decisions for my body, as well as doing things that make me happy, like working on things for my collection, and taking time to read comics again. It’s taken a lot of my down time, but it’s been worth it. Now, I’m about to set out for Orlando. I have hopes that by the time I get back, I’ll be refreshed mentally and ready to dive back into writing as much as I should be.

“Uh-oh, running out of breath, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
Well, oh, I got stamina
And uh-oh, I see another mountain to climb
But I, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, I need another lover, be mine
Cause I, I, I got stamina.”

 I’m making big plans, working on improving Wandering NerdGirl, and trying to get a first draft hammered out on my WIP. There isn’t a lot I can explain yet, but definitely soon. 😀

See you after Florida!

-Angel

keepgoing

It’s always a curious thing, letting go of some aspects of your life in order to embrace other things that feel more important. The seed is planted, and you’re ready to watch it bloom. You’ve been watering it and giving it all of your love. Sometimes, something amazing blooms. Other times, nothing happens. You’re left alone in the dirt, waiting for something to come from nothing, and having no idea whether it will become everything you hoped for, or leave you as you are – alone in the dirt.

I started down a path a few months ago, terrified and unsure of myself, with hopes of pushing myself toward something better. I’ve been hard at work on Wandering NerdGirl. I’ve been working on my health. Trying to spend more time with friends. I’ve been working on things I’ve never done before. Spending time with my nieces and going to Six Flags. And all of these things can bring me some temporary comfort, and the occasional feeling of accomplishment.

But you know what I haven’t been doing lately? Writing – working on new stuff, or editing, or finishing Work-in-Progress stuff. I haven’t been taking any pictures. I haven’t been drawing or painting. And not doing these particular things is really waging war on my brain.

I just came home a week ago from a last minute trip, mostly just an adventure, with a bit of excitement. I was on top of the world when I was coming home. I felt decent for the first time in a while emotionally. But no sooner than I returned to normal life, did Life decide to step in and remind me that I was coming back to normal, and needed to lose that happy, euphoric feeling. Don’t forget who you really are, it seemed to say this week.

However, I am fighting back. I have full intention to get some writing and hopefully some drawing done this weekend. I will not allow myself to keep feeling like a failure.

More soon.

~Angel

bowie

“I know I’ll wither, so peel away the bark
Because nothing grows when it is dark
In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear”

So within a week, I’ve had some health ups and downs.

Last Monday, I had my follow up for my biopsy. Good news! It showed no cancer! I have other issues to tackle with why I had to have the biopsy, but at least cancer is currently off the table.

This Monday, I found out I have Trigeminal Neuralgia.

I had a very BAD end of last week, and then HORRIBLE weekend, and by Monday I knew I needed to see my doctor. I wasn’t sleeping (and am still not sleeping) because of how intense the pain is. To give you an idea of the pain levels: this disease is nicknamed the Suicide Disease, because people would kill themselves from the pain before anyone figured out what to do to treat this pain. It was hard to describe, but I read where someone described it as a combination of the worst migraine of your life and the worst toothache. I can agree and elaborate on this: The misery of the worst migraine, the insanity you feel with the worst toothache, and the feeling of someone using a hammer to break your jaw. That. That sounds like an adequate description.

I’ve built up a decent pain tolerance over the years, somehow. And this shatters that tolerance and leaves me curled up and miserable.

And, you guessed it – this is a manifestation of my disease. Sjogren’s decided to welcome more unpleasantness into my life.

But here’s the thing… Obviously, it hurts and it sucks. Yet, what seems to be bothering me even more, is that this is disease progression. This is me still not having anything under control. And it’s just a reminder of what my doctors have said:

There is nothing we can do to stop the progression.

You’re a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.

I’ve had to explain to everyone in my life time and time again that I’ve been wanting to travel and do so much these past few years, because I want to do it while I can. There may come a day that I can’t handle my go-go-go travel style. What’s worse now, though, is that this day may be coming a lot sooner than I anticipated. My last three trips, I’ve had something come up health wise. Obviously, Reno was the worst. This all scares me.

I know my disease is still young and still evolving, but it’s so strong so early on. I can’t imagine what full-force will be like.

It’ll be a fun follow-up with my Rheumatologist, I’m sure.

But, I won’t let this stop me. I have plans, and goals, and dreams. Despite the brain fog, I will write. Despite the pain, I will progress. Despite exhaustion, I will travel. Until it is absolutely impossible, I will continue. Even though it feels like I am withering, I won’t give up. It isn’t in my nature.

Hopefully soon I’ll have more updates that don’t involve my body being stupid.

Hopefully.

~Angel

light

I’m not a single bit surprised that 2016 is off to a rough start. It’s almost a tradition at this point: go into it hopeful, get knocked down so fast my head spins. Because by “rough start”, I mean that it has been made very clear to me that this coming year will make or break me. And I refuse to let it break me, no matter how hard everything is trying to. All good news fades. All steps forward seem like they haven’t mattered. I am no closer to anything than I was before. If anything, I’ve fallen back several steps.

But, I push forward:

+ I’m working hard at my Wandering NerdGirl blog, in hopes that my nerdy adventures can be more productive. Cons, Orlando, other nerd-tastic events… I’m on it.

+ I’m writing again, period. I was so down and depressed Tuesday, reading about the market and what agents and publishers don’t want right now, blah blah. I’m a very critical person on myself, so of course I instantly decide everything I write is garbage and I should give up. But for some reason, one of my favorite story ideas popped into my brain, and I had a lot of interesting new ideas for it. Since it hasn’t actually been written yet, it will be a good exercise in writing again. I’ve spent so long in editing and rewriting hell, I haven’t had much time or opportunity for new creation. I’ve mostly been jotting notes down and what not, or writing a few specific scenes that some to mind. But as soon as I get my thoughts together, I’m running with it. I’ll hammer out my first draft, as intimidating as that feels right now. I won’t lose my dream. I’m going to write this book for me, and see where that takes me.

+ I have been drawing. Well, the last day or two I haven’t been. But I will excuse that because I have started a huge, new painting of Poe Dameron’s helmet from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It’s all pretty exciting, considering I was very close to just getting rid of a lot of my art stuff to save space.

+ I have my eyes on new projects. Bigger projects. More projects. I have plans to go beyond what I have done and make something new all the time. New shoots, new types of projects, new ideas. It’s all very vague to you guys right now because I’m not jumping in with both feet just yet, so there isn’t much information to share. Just cross your fingers that I make the time to pull it all off.

+ My collection is growing. My collection is a tiny beast, but it is my tiny beast. I know I’ve been slacking on the Collection Haul posts, and if you’d like to see them again, I could start back up this month or in February. There have been quite a few additions. And as stupid or trivial or whatever it sounds, one of my goals for the year is to really build my collection up. I take great pride in my Batman stuff. Someday I’ll have a massive assortment of various Batman items properly displayed.  For now, it steadily grows.

+ I’ve been trying to figure out how to get back to college, and exactly what I want to do when I get back. I was going to start again Fall 2015 but my financial aid decided to be complicated. So maybe Fall 2016 or Spring 2017. Who knows. Going back genuinely frightens me at this point. But I would still like to try.

 

So, you have a basic rundown of my game plan for the year. Obviously, subject to change. But hopefully, this year I rise from the ashes and become closer to where I was before.

 

~Angel

RAGEAGAINSTDEATH

Typically, I make some sort of Thanksgiving related “Thankful” post. Today, I show how thankful I am for what turned around a very bad weekend.

There is a giant reason that this blog is called “Misadventures of a Misfit” – Frequently, my best laid plans fall apart. Hope for the best, expect the worst, settle for something in between. More often than not lately, these plans are damaged by my wonderful body deciding to do something terrible to me at an extremely inopportune time. I was hoping to come back from Reno with fantastic tales of comic con, and loads of pictures of me super excited and looking like a major dork. But instead I come back still battling my body from what can best be described as the worst flare I’ve had since the initial, horrible flare that put me in Barnes hospital for 3 days and started this autoimmune (mis)adventure.

For a few weeks now, I have been very scared that I’ll have to have a hysterectomy after my procedure. I’ve been very scared to find out I have a cancer I wasn’t bracing for.

This weekend, I was very scared I was going to die.

And as weird as this statement sounds, the weekend was saved by Jay and Silent Bob.

I had just gotten into the con, and my first thing I needed to do was get in line for my picture with Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Jason was going to be there for the con itself, but Kevin however was literally there that one day for that one dual photo op with Mewes. I have a lot of admiration for Kevin Smith as a writer and as a creator and person in general and knew this may well be the most I’ll ever get to do in terms of meeting him.

Now, I will say this – I had not felt particularly well this day. But I also hadn’t felt well for a while, hence why I had gone to an ASAP appointment with my surgeon and tests and now the procedure in two weeks. So I wasn’t phased really. It was what it was and had been. I had things to do.

Unfortunately, just before I went up for my photo op, when I had just a few people in line before me, something went wrong in my body. Suddenly I was dizzy, and realized I was going to be ill. Apparently, my blood pressure dropped, my O2 dropped, and ultimately I dropped. To top off this horribleness, I vomited as I went down. Hello, hundreds or so people around me. I am Chronically Ill Girl, and you are not used to my horrible body.

To make this portion of the story as short as possible: I was not well, the Wizard World staff took very good care of me, until the EMT came, checked me out, and had me wheeled away to the first aid station, where I was urged to go to the hospital considering everything going on with my past medical history as well as my current concerns. In reality, I should have agreed for them to call the ambulance. But I was already heartbroken that I’d missed my one shot to see Kevin Smith, and I wasn’t about to miss seeing Adam West and Burt Ward on top of everything else. I got cleaned up and changed and went on with my day.

When I was walking away from my photo op with Adam West and Burt Ward, I was weaving through the booths, and saw that Jason Mewes was at his table doing autographs. I figured I could salvage some of that photo op mishap by at least meeting Mewes. One half was better than not at all, right? And at least I had hopes he didn’t know I was the girl that went down in the line outside.

And he didn’t know… Until my mother told him.

MEWES

So at this point, I’m feeling embarrassed all over again, and I’m ready to shuffle off with my autograph and hide in the corner, especially since I still felt horrible. But that’s when Mewes told me he felt terrible for what happened with me, and that I didn’t get to meet Kevin.

Then he took my number and gave it to his assistant at the table. And told me he’d help me meet Kevin before he left for his flight. Hugs and selfies and many “Thank you”s. I cried when I walked away. I couldn’t believe this was happening to ME.

Now, I’ve been very nervous about actually talking about this, because what was done for me was something I didn’t ask for or expect, and I don’t want someone to ever take advantage of the kindness of others. But still, this kindness meant more to me than I think either of them realized.

So, I went back to my hotel room to shower and rest and in general gear myself up for a few more minutes at con and to prepare myself to somehow meet Kevin Smith.

When 5pm rolled around, my mom and I were waiting in the hotel lobby, as instructed, with promise that Kevin knew I was there waiting for him. I was weak and dizzy and severely anemic, but absolutely determined not to miss this opportunity.

And then I saw him heading my way, iconic jersey and all, and I completely lost focus of how bad I felt as my brain took over.

kevinsmith

I got to meet Kevin Smith. I got to hug him, and take selfies, and he asked how I was feeling. And I GOT TO MEET KEVIN SMITH.

The admiration I have for him already on top of how absolutely freaking AMAZING it was that he and Mewes did this for me made my entire trip. Unfortunately, not long after this, I went downhill again. But for this amount of time, I was on top of the world.

Rage against death by making some art today.

It really sparked a fire in me. I want to create things while I still can. And if ever, for some insane reason, someone looks to me like I do to him, I will do all I can to help make their day too. Someday, even, I’d like to repay Jason and Kevin both. Because something so small and simple to one person, can mean the whole world to another. This was the highlight of my trip, and has turned around the doom and gloom attitude I’ve had toward my health. I can accomplish anything I want, and I don’t have to let anything get in my way. It doesn’t matter if I live ten more years or 60 more.

I will rage against death.

Time to make the best of what time I have. Time to make my mark.

~Angel

Edited to add: Based off of symptoms and blood work, it looks like this was all brought on by a very, very bad disease flare to rival that of the initial one in 2012 that sparked the whole Mysterious Sickness of Doom thing. So I’m still not 100%, but I’m recovering, slowly but surely. Two weeks until my biopsy!

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “wake up, you need to make money.”

Whenever I travel and find myself inspired on my journey, it does two things. Obviously, one thing it does is strike me with a desire to create and work harder. But an unfortunate counter to that inspiration, is a terrible reminder in the back of my mind, gnawing at me despite how desperately I try to block it out, that I am not where I want to be in life, and that in itself can kill the positive aspects of travel.

This is my post-travel depression. Every time I come home, I don’t feel at home. I feel lost. It’s like I come back to normal life, and I don’t remember who I am. I lose the connection I had to my happiest self, and during this disconnection, I return to the girl I have to be. The girl putting everyone and everything else first.

Granted, I have continued working on this problem, as promised. This has helped my stress not be as stressful. But I’m still a little off.

But, I have to continue forward. I’m still giving myself the freedom to love what I love. To enjoy the things that spark my creativity and make me want to do more. It’s been interesting seeing how helpful reintegrating horror back in as a regular staple has been. By the time I got to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal last Friday, I was ready to take in everything around me and not only enjoy it for what it was, but to use it as a source of inspiration. I felt excited and happy and ready to create.

Now I’m back to real life, and I’m trying to hold on to the motivation. I started doodling and sketching last night. I want to write when I get a chance. I’m trying to work on ideas for some different projects. I’ve been planning out posts for Wandering NerdGirl based off of my trip. I can do this. I know I can. I can work hard and get somewhere.

dontgiveup

Let’s see what I can do now, shall we?

~Angel

I’ve decided to do an initial post of my Batman Collection haul idea, starting with the things I received for my birthday and what I picked up at con. If you like this post, let me know! I plan to follow up with a collection haul post for the month of September as well. Here we go!

con1

My VIP badge for Wizard World Chicago. Ben McKenzie, who plays Detective James Gordon in the Fox TV show “Gotham”

con2

Autograph from Ben McKenzie. I also have a photo of myself with him, as well as a dual photo of myself with him and Sean Pertwee, but I don’t have a good picture of that picture, so I’ll save it for my Wandering NerdGirl blog haha.

Speaking of Sean Pertwee..

con3

Seriously one of the coolest actors I’ve met. I love him in so much more, but obviously I needed a photo of him as Alfred – or “00-Alfred”, as he signed it.

con11

Picked up the DC Collectibles replica Detective badge of James Gordon from Gotham. I wanted it anyway, seemed fitting to get it on the trip.

con4

Another Batman related actor I had the pleasure of meeting was Adrienne Barbeau. Again, someone I loved for so much more, but HAD TO get her autograph on something Catwoman, since she voiced her in the Animated Series.

con7

I picked up this gorgeous Poison Ivy print from artist Greg Horn at con. Absolutely loved it and his art in general.

con10

I bought this Batman cover replica print and had Neal Adams sign it for me – something I’ve wanted to do for so long!

con12

I first heard about Travis Langley in the documentary “Legends of the Knight”, and I’ve wanted his book, “Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight”, for a while. I love Batman, I love Psychology, and I love this book so far!

con6

Batman Returns Catwoman Kenner figure I’ve wanted for some time.

con5

Final con related pick up – this Bleacher Creature Harley Quinn plush I’ve been wanting for a while.

Alright, now that we have that hurdle out of the way, let’s show a few of my beloved birthday gifts!

con15

These were from my mom, and I technically had them for a little while before my birthday, but still. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl from the 60’s Batman television show.

con14

Assorted goodies from my best friend.

con13

Badass Harley Quinn and Batman umbrella from my brother.

con8

Harley Quinn goodies from my lovely Skylar, all the way in Washington right now

con9

Finally, my beloved Harley Quinn Mopeez plush, a gift from my office manager. I ADORE HER SO MUCH. LOOK AT THAT CUTE LITTLE FACE! Ugh. Adorable.

Well, there you have it! What did you think? Any details you’d like added? Want to see more posts like this? Let me know in the comments!

~Angel

WritingBunny

Hello, my name is Angel, and I am extremely tired.

 

I keep falling behind on posting, and for that I am very sorry. I tell myself I need to write something, and then I get distracted or I’ve got a million things going on, and I get exhausted and tell myself that I’ll just do it ‘tomorrow’ – except when I get to that day finally, I put it off again. And again.

And again.

But here we are!

Obviously, being back at the day job has taken up quite a bit of my time. Add that to my trip to Chicago last weekend for my birthday (Yay, I’m now 25!), and I’ve been a very busy gal.

I had started working on a new project around the same time I started working again, but then quickly lost any and all free time that I had planned to use to write. In the process, I fell into more unhealthy habits – drinking soda again, sitting on my bum all day, eating less than healthy foods, etc – and have all around been failing at what progress I had been making in my life. As I had feared, everything else was pushed to the back burner while I worked my little fingers to the bone on things that, in the end, don’t matter to me nearly as much.

But my weekend away in Chicago made me realize something: just how badly I wanted those dreams of mine to be a reality. And I know I say that a lot. I know I kick myself into gear and then slack for whatever reason. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to accomplish everything I’ve set out to do. This past weekend, I was surrounded by inspiration. I saw people on various levels of living out their dreams, and when I was on my flight back to reality, it sank in just how badly I wanted that for myself. No one should dread coming back to their life. But I always do. And I want that to change.

With that said, it’s time I get back to work on what matters. I’m going to get up earlier and go to bed later. I’m going to research and work and save and do everything possible to make everything possible. I’m going to work on Hail to the Geek, Baby and WanderingNerdGirl.com. And I’m NOT GOING TO PUT OFF POSTING! Once a week at least, that’s my goal. Hold me to it!

Figured I’d pop in and let you all know that I’m definitely alive, and tired, and trying harder than ever.

Let’s make things happen.

~Angel