Posts Tagged ‘love’

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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and usually this time of year, I like to make a stereotypical post about things I’m thankful for. So here’s a list of what I’m thankful for, or just brings me joy right now (in no real order):

Movie nights with someone you love.

My Batman collection. 

My nieces. 

Fur babies. 

Feeling inspired. 

Productive nights of insomnia. 

Feeling accomplished. 

Qdoba nacho dates with my  best friend. 

The hunt for collection things.

Long calls with your favorite person.

Clear nights with the moon and stars shining bright.

Hoodie weather.

Nature walks / Hikes.

Road trips with good company and good music.

The exhilaration on your favorite rides.

Doing something kind for someone else, and knowing they appreciated it. 

Knowing this is the first December in a few years I don’t have a surgery scheduled.

The catalyst of meeting Kevin Smith one year ago. 

Filling up a box of comics.

The excitement of somewhere new.

Being so happy that I can’t stop the big, dorky grins. 

Painting with music blaring days. 

Adventure. 

Chinese food. 

Supporting the dreams and projects of others.

The Bat Force / Bat Force Radio while working on my collection. 

Naps.

My fandoms.

People equally passionate about the same things I am.

Good memories.

Cards Against Humanity nights. 

My closest friends.

My BEST friend.

Everything about a certain someone. 

There are many, many other things I could list. But these were the first things to come to mind today, and that was the most important part of this to me: the RIGHT NOW.

I hope everyone has a great week, and if you’re celebrating – a great Thanksgiving.

-Angel

PART TWO: A slightly more detailed look at people that need to specifically be mentioned.

  • Whitney:

I still can’t accept that you’re really gone. It seems like every day there’s something I want to tell you or talk to you about, and I can’t just text you or come over and see you anymore. You were someone I could talk to about anything for hours. I miss that. I miss going to take pictures or run around at the mall, like that day we went to see the last Saw movie, eat Chinese food, and went shopping. I remember trying on clothes with you and just having a good day, where we didn’t have anything or anyone else to worry about. I treasure the memories of that day as some of the most peaceful ones I have. I miss you. I wish that we could’ve had more days like that before you left this world. You were a beautiful soul, and my rock when I was too scared and weak to go on alone. I love you. Thank you for watching out for me.

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  • Eric:

It’s a little over two weeks until what should have been your 23rd birthday. I miss you, and it’s hard to believe it’s been 8 and a half years since you died. It still feels like yesterday we were sitting in your room, listening to music and talking, just like we always did. It was a few weeks before you died, and I remember how scared I had felt the 6 months before that – from the moment I found out on Christmas Day, all the way up to that day in June. And I remember leaving, and telling you I loved you and I’d come back soon. But I never did make it back before you died. It haunts me every day. I miss you, I love you, and I couldn’t ask for a better guardian angel. You’re my hero, and where I draw my strength from. I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for you.

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  • Sam, Jake, John Ray, and Ryan:

The four of you, as well as Eric, were the most important people in my entire world for so long. And I don’t see any of you as much as you deserve. Sometimes it’s because it’s too hard. It’s a shitty excuse, but that’s how it is. I lost touch with John Ray because it hurt too much after his brother died. He reminded me so much of Eric, and I only ever wanted to tell him that I would willingly trade spots with his brother in a heartbeat if I could. I tried to keep up with the rest of you, and sometimes I do, but mostly we just talk online or text or something. I love you all still, but sometimes I can’t handle it. This is something I’ve realized the last few days. I do want to spend more time with you all, but I need to slow other aspects of my life down first. I’m too drained from work and illness to handle the extra strain on my heart and body. I’m sorry. Someday, it will be better again. Sam, we can go get nachos and mountain dew. Jake, we can hang out and watch movies and just be our old selves. Ryan, we’ll stay up all night on the phone talking about everything and anything. I’ll find John Ray someday and try again, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be strong enough. I love you all, and I don’t want to lose you. Ever.

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  • Chris, SP, Tori, Kristin, Josh, Kyle, and the ten trillion other friends I miss spending time with…:

I really, really miss you guys. :/

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  • Lillie and Dica:

I couldn’t love anyone more than I love these two. My own children will have a hard time living up to them lol.

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  • Skylar:

My not-really-but-might-as-well-be little sister, my muse, the Charlie to my Patrick. I’m more than happy to have you along on my adventures, big or small. I love you. I’m so glad you’re back from the army because I missed you so much it made me crazy. Good things are ahead for both of us, and you know I will always be right there when you need me. Take the world by storm, kiddo. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

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  • Brittaney:

Everything I have to say to you, you already know. You’re my best friend, parabatai, the Sam to my Patrick, Luigi to my Mario, Frodo to my Samwise, Ron to my Harry. I love you and our adventures and no matter what happens, I have your back chica.

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  • Taylor:

My Mr. J, my favorite, my heartbeat.

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~Angel

PART ONE – Because I am sick, and tired, and there is a lot to say for some of these and I’d like to give them proper spacing. So, a brief part one.

A lot of people like to post on Facebook something they’re thankful for every day for the month of November, and while that it a lovely idea, it’s not exactly for me. I much prefer my personal tradition of a blog post, something that can be immortalized and referred back to in future months for anyone who wants to read it or needs to, even. Forgive me for any errors made or anyone forgotten, because I’ve been pretty sick the last week or so and I’m still fairly miserable.

  • Simple Things I am Thankful For:

Batman. Breaking Bad. Books. Harry Potter. Adventures. Writing. Art. Doctor Who. Summer nights on the road, windows down and music up. Chinese food. Movie days with my favorite people. Curling up on the couch. My blankets. People that understand. Dreams, inspiration, and motivation. The Boondock Saints. Good memories of people long dead. Being alive when I can think of multiple instances that I should’ve been dead. Hope. Productive insomnia.

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  • Friends:

New friends, old friends. Living friends and dead friends. Former friends and friends I’ve yet to make. Every single one of you meant something to me, or still do. While I may not be around as much as I’d like to these days, thanks to sickness or work or school or whatever… It doesn’t change the fact that I love you all, and wish I could spend more of my time with you. In all honesty, at this point in my life, I should probably be with you all more than be at work. Someday soon, I hope, this will all change. Not all of you have pictures from hanging out recently, but I’d like to change that soon.

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  • Gone but not Forgotten:

Some days are worse than others. Some nights you’re wide awake wondering why you’re alive. Sometimes you have to live the best life you can for more than just yourself. Eric and Whitney, I’m trying. I really am.

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~Angel

Well, I'm 23, but you get the idea.

  Well, I’m 23, but you get the idea.

I’m not going to dive into my Nashville adventure, the final hurrah of 2013, until the next post. Mostly, because I would like to wrap up this idea of the Wanderer, and why this is who I am, before diving into the specific last trip and all that is to come.

I was who I was: the same woman who pulsed beneath the bruise of her old life, only now I was somewhere else.”

I am searching for something, and a part of my soul is convinced I can find it. In my head, I’ll be off on some grand adventure and it will all suddenly be perfect and clear, and all can be well in my little world once more. All because I left and found what I was searching for.

I am also running away. I’ll throw my things in a bag at a moments notice if I must just to get away. Converse to the pavement, foot to the pedal, butt in the airplane seat. Whatever I have to do to be anywhere else. Because someday I hope to outrun myself. I hope to outrun everything.

This is part of my natural desire to keep myself constantly busy, even if I’m overwhelmed and stressed out and ready to cry. I can’t stand the quiet. I can’t handle running out of things to do.

Lately, I can’t even sit still. I have to pace and move. I start to feel like my skin is crawling and I’m losing my mind otherwise. In a way, I’m sure I am. I become angry and start doing things I don’t normally do, or even want to do. I can’t explain this, really. Maybe it’s the part of myself that I’m running away from.

But at the end of the day, I can’t run from myself. I will always be the person that I am, with the past, present, and future all weaving and entangled. I cannot pretend to be anyone else – it isn’t in my nature. I am Angel Young: good, bad, weird, wonderful, whatever. I may keep searching to the ends of the earth for whatever it is that I’m missing, but I will always be the same girl when I’m there.

At the end of the day, be YOU. Weirdo, wanderer, wonderful. All of them. None of them. But be the very best version of you possible. Take care of yourself, and do what makes you happy. Chase your dreams, even if it means you have to do a bit of searching. Nothing is impossible if you want it badly enough.

~Angel

I know, I know: I need to post my Orlando trip. I’m just… so… tired. And lazy. Ha.

Just a few quick things:

– Meet the babies, Karloff (white) and Lugosi (black): K&L

I have an addiction to Doctor Who:

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I’m at work on some other new projects, like the review blog I had posted previously, and then some. Links to those another night. Just thought I’d give you all a heads up to why I’m running behind. 🙂

~Angel

So, the last I left off with you guys, I had just gone to an awesome Con and met some amaaaaazing people. I had an appointment coming up for the Mysterious Sickness of Doom and was stressing myself into madness. Well, obviously, that time has come and gone. To be honest, I started to write several posts, but I kept stopping myself for whatever reason. So here I sit, debating. Should I write? What should I post? What is too much or too dull or.. I honestly don’t know.

I’ve been sort of lost lately. Stress is eating away at me, corroding what remains of the walls I’ve built around myself. To give you a glimpse of how my brain works:

I keep trying to fill in the voids. Patch the cracks before I split open. That sorta feeling. I gave myself something to work toward, to look forward to (I’ll get to that later), but still.. Still I sit there, eyes tightly shut, losing my marbles over and over. I start to lose track of what’s real and what isn’t. Did they really say that? Did he really do that? Is this happening?

So, I want to write things. I want to draw things. I want to take pictures. I want to get this OUT OF ME before it tears me apart.

But I lose faith in my writing.

I make up excuses to avoid my artwork.

Do shoots I’m paid to do, find myself hating my work even if I like it, then feeling discouraged all over again.

Then I look around my room. Look at these things that make up some part of me. Look at my Batman collection. Admire it. Hate myself for it. I’m stupid for having it. People hate me for it.

People hate me for everything in here. Everything about me. People hate me. My friends hate me. I hate me.

I go back to sitting there, a pen in my hand, a blank page to confess whatever I need to release. And I can’t. I’m scared.

Get online. Obviously every damn post is about me. Obviously, that random girl is talking about my boyfriend, because she would make him happier than I make him. So then I’m thinking about myself. What’s wrong with me? I’m fat. And ugly. And just.. just not right. I’m not right. I shouldn’t eat, because I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve anything. Any of it. I don’t deserve life. I’m a terrible daughter. Terrible sister. Terrible friend. Person. Everything. Don’t deserve this breath, don’t deserve the next one.

Here we are again. Blank screen. Need to post. Doctor’s appointment. Need to update. Fibromyalgia, Lupus, more blood work. Phone call. More abnormal tests. Sjogren’s. Ultrasound. Biopsy. I feel sick. What did she say? Feel like I’m dying. Why won’t she just say it – you’re dying. Because I feel like it. Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I shouldn’t whine. I could be worse. I just want to cancel my appointments. I’ll just cancel them all and stay home. No. No, can’t type that. Not tonight.

Delete. Blank screen.

What am I thankful for? Little things. Work on Little Things.

Thankful for my friends. But they hate me. Thankful for my upcoming trip. Best friend doesn’t care doesn’t want to go hates me. Causing problems with everyone. Everyone is going away. Everyone is leaving or dying. Should I be leaving or dying too? Everyone goes away in the end.  I need to keep them safe. Don’t do drugs don’t smoke don’t drink don’t get hurt. But I’m wrong, because I’m always wrong, and because I make a better Villain than Hero. So I piss everyone off because I love them. I’m a terrible friend. That’s why they all go away. I wish I could just go away. How dare they tell me to take care of myself, when they’re trying to hurt themselves? Oh but I’m wrong, you see. Because they NEED that. I’m stupid. I’m so damn stupid.

I can’t do anything right. Why do I even bother?..

 

That is the best description I can give of my thought process lately. I seem to go through this every single day, over and over and over. I get a little crazy. Sometimes, it becomes more than thoughts – sometimes I start going off on people for things they haven’t done.

But I have to keep some very important things in mind: I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to. I am LOVED. I have a bright FUTURE, no matter the past. And I have lost too many loved ones to live anything but the best life possible, in honor of all of them.

Which is what I plan on doing: Living. Time to snap myself out of this rut. I mean SHIT man. I met STAN LEE. Honestly. I do cool stuff on a regular basis 😉

NOW, on to other matters:

I surprised my best friend, Brittaney, with a trip to Orlando this June – gonna hit up Disney and Universal, stay in the ultra fancy Yacht Club at Disney, and just chill and be happy youngsters. The last time I went, I wished Britt was by my side the whole time. So, I had to pull of some amazingness to make it work, but she is definitely going with me. 🙂 I’m counting down the days. Literally. There’s an app for that.

I’ve also been forcing myself to write and draw and take pictures again. For me. To get whatever it is out that I must get out. Because I’m a weirdo, and that’s what we do. Blessed are the weird.

I’m also going to make some SERIOUS changes soon. I don’t wanna give away what exactly, but I will soon enough.

Anyway, that’s enough from me for tonight.

 

~Angel

 

This post was inspired by two incredible women – Michelle Zink and “Momma” Maria. 🙂 Thanks to both of you wonderful ladies for giving me the motivation to stay focused on the positive.

Now, I’d like to do this as a collective series of posts – do some now, some in another blog, etc. Just keep going. But for today, I’ll only post a few.

My “other momma”, Maria, told me the other day that I needed to make a list of at least 5 things I was grateful for. Something to remind me that I have plenty to be happy about, even when I feel like there really isn’t anything worth smiling about.

Then I think it was the next day, the beautiful and talented Michelle Zink (she’s an absolute doll and an incredible writer and you need to read her books RIGHT NOW) posted a very inspiring blog about the little things in life. You can check out said post by clicking here.

To sum it up easily – an idea formed in my head to combine these two ideas. And here you have it, my Little Things post, about the little things in life that make everything so much better.

Five Little Things:

  • Long drives with my friends, the radio up and lots of (usually terrible) singing.
  • Chinese food.
  • The smell of the ink in a fresh tattoo.
  • My nieces, that could practically be my own daughters.
  • Batman.

So there you have it. 5 Little Things that I love. Little things that make everything a little better. Some of them are a little silly to some people, but to me they bring a smile to my face. Hopefully you guys enjoy this idea for a post. I’m planning to do one each week, mostly as a reminder for myself of the things that make everything better in life.

Stay tuned for more posts with some exciting news this week 😀

 

~Angel