Archive for June, 2014

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”   — Ralph Waldo Emerson

There will be days we all feel like we are at our limits. We feel like we are giving 120% and that it just isn’t enough. There are days we all want to curl up on the floor and scream, “I GIVE UP!”

Yeah. Well. Yesterday was a day that had me fighting that urge to curl up on the floor and quit. Actually, more like this past week. It happens. Sometimes, more often than I would like. Sometimes I get to have a good day, and before I know it I’m right back to my breaking point. I’m being pulled a million directions and coming up more lost than I’ve ever been.

fragile

I’m making the adjustments that I can: making the best choices for adventures to save myself money, while making sure I still get to do what I was wanting to do; I’m slowly but surely rebuilding my savings account for responsible adult stuff, like getting my own place or a new car, etc. I’m trying to convince myself to not abuse this mind or body, but to instead fully embrace life despite everything else going on.

But I can’t lie – it’s hard. I get discouraged and don’t treat my body like I should. I let my depression get the better of me and start to lose hope on things ever working out.

I’m doing the best I can, though, which is all you can do. I’m making myself read and write when I can. I’m trying to get out in the pool when I can, even if my body is too tired for that nonsense. I’m saving money and planning things and using every distraction in the book to make myself not lose my marbles (or what’s left of them, rather.)

Expect more pleasant updates soon, about things that hopefully do not revolve around my struggles, and instead focus on good things or writing things or anything else really.

~Angel

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plane

“Never say ‘no’ to adventures. Always say ‘yes,’ otherwise you’ll lead a very dull life.”

— Ian Fleming

It’s stirring inside of me again. An overwhelming desire to pack up my bags and load the car, head onto the interstate or go to the airport. I need adventure again. I need to wander the streets of New Orleans, entranced by the music at every corner. I need to let go in Salem, dancing at circle on a sabbat with strangers, lost in the incredible connection of energy. I need Boston, out on the boat surrounded by whales. I need Chicago, listening to James Marsters sing before having dinner at his birthday party. I need Orlando, where I can hop on a ride and take on a new life for a few moments. I need to go. I need to see something other than the middle of nowhere.

 I don’t want to have to fight anymore,
I’m tired.
I don’t want to have to feel anymore,
uninspired.

It helps me with so much when I travel. My body may become physically exhausted, but my mind is clear and stress is relieved for oh-so-long while I’m away from my regular life. I feel like writing and creating and just aiming for the stars. I am reminded I can be more, and it wakes the muse inside my head.

So long my flame, my warmth, my fear, my fight,
The road’s calling again tonight.
Dreaming under street lights,
Maybe I’ll catch a train to Rome,
See the world until I can’t go on,
Then maybe I’ll come traveling home.

But sometimes, other people don’t exactly get that. So, again, I’m faced with people telling me I really need to consider my priorities, and buy a house and settle down, an do all of these things I couldn’t just do even if I wasn’t traveling so much. But the people telling me again and again, like they’re scolding a child, that I need to stay put a while don’t understand. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy in one place. Even if it’s just occasionally going to Orlando or something – I need to get away for a bit to function correctly. It seems that is the best medicine for me. It isn’t that I don’t love the people I have here, or anything. I just need a reset on occasion.

‘Cause when the road takes it’s toll
And these cities come and go
Filled with people I don’t know
You’ll be in my heart
And I’ll dream of where you are tonight.

So I’m going through a balancing act: save save save for adventures, and save save save for responsible adult life. And even though that still isn’t enough, at least I feel comfortable knowing I’m trying to manage what I want from my life, and what everyone else expects.

TooMuchToAsk

Maybe I’ll go it all alone
See the world and make my way back home
Or maybe I’ll keep traveling on

Either way, I will keep going. I will write. I will create. I will venture out into the world. I will find a home somewhere, some way, and I will build the life that fits what I need. But I will not give up or give in. I will continue to occasionally pack a suitcase and go somewhere else, even if it’s just a few days.

And if travel is like love, it is, in the end, mostly because it’s a heightened state of awareness, in which we are mindful, receptive, undimmed by familiarity and ready to be transformed. That is why the best trips, like the best love affairs, never really end.

~Angel