Archive for February, 2013

The Adoption of King Leonidas

Whoever says money can’t buy happiness has obviously never adopted a pet.
This is the new baby in my life, King Leonidas – aka Lenny. He’s lived in the shelter since he was a few weeks old. I met him yesterday, and we fell for each other. Nobody wants to adopt the big shelter dogs that’ve been there forever. Except me it seems. Then again, I think HE adopted ME.
I brought King Lenny home today, and we’re getting along swimmingly. He’s so, SO happy to have a family, and I’m so happy to have him as part of mine. 🙂

~Angel

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“I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.”
  ~William Shakespeare

I have a doctor’s appointment in the city with a specialist on Tuesday to further investigate the Mysterious Sickness of Doom. Almost a whole year now with only fractions of answers and no real completed puzzle.

And I cannot deny the amount of fear that’s been eating at me. What if I don’t get better? What if I find out something terrible? What if it keeps getting worse?

What if I’m the next funeral?

And I can’t stand it right now. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I want to ask for some help, but I really don’t know what to say or do. So I just sit here. And I wonder. And I can’t sleep.

I think about the wasted time. Then realize I’m wasting more time. Like I am now.

Because I am mortal. I am afraid. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is very wrong.

I really need to convince myself to go to sleep.

~Angel

Life has a funny way of kicking you right in the teeth in the worst way right when you really can’t handle it.

whit2

The above comment was left on my post “Reflection”, in which I talked about my issues with substance abuse and friends and everything. Whitney is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known, inside and out. She was kind, loving, and saw past the worst in people. Unfortunately, a few days after her comment was left, she passed away. She died on a Friday night, at age 23. I found out Saturday morning. I can honestly say, it shattered my world.

whitneycrop

There isn’t much I can think of to say. My brain is still a jumbled mess. But Whitney was an incredible person, full of life and love and laughter. She would be there for her friends and family no matter what and do her best to help. We’ve had many long talks, goofy trips to St Louis for photo shoots and movies and mall shopping. She was one of the best friends a girl could ask for. That anyone could ask for really. Her funeral was proof of that – pack full, with people from every walk of life: different classes, races, religions, people with and without heavy body modification, etc. Whitney loved everyone. And she was very loved in return.

whit

“And though you’re dead and gone believe me –
Your memory will carry on,
We’ll carry on.”

I can’t handle typing anymore tonight. I’ll write more later.

~Angel

A friend (THANK YOU EMILY!!!) suggested I listen to this song earlier, and I thought I’d share. I needed to hear this song today, and it’s really made me feel so much better. Let’s add it to my Soundtrack of a Misfit: Force of the Unseen by Cloud Cult:

We said, “There’s nothing wrong.”
We put our strong face on.
And go right
through it.
Please say it can’t be done.
Cuz that’s just fuel for me to
just prove this yeah, you’ll see.
Cuz that’s just fuel for me to just do
this, yeah, you’ll see.

We have so much energy that you can’t
see.
We’ll blow right through it.
Please say you can’t help me.
Cuz that’s just fuel for me to just prove this, yeah, you’ll see.
Cuz that’s just
fuel for me to just do this, yeah, you’ll see.

I’m gonna make it through,
you’ll see.
I swear I’ll prove you wrong.
You haven’t seen the last of
me.
I am way too strong.
It’s not impossible, you’ll see.
You’ve never
been inside my head:
Ten billion burning suns and belief in a strength that
can raise the dead.

It’s the warmth when you’re next to me.
It’s the
bright white light of a fevered dream.
It’s the storm in your eyes.
It’s
in the roots of the tree:
The underestimated power of the forces of the
unseen.

I’ve seen cocaine bring out the demons inside

Cheatin’ and lyin’
Friendship cease, no peace in the mind
Stealin’ and takin’ anything to fix the pieces inside
Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere
Only motivation for what the dealer’s supplying
That rush, that drug, that dope
Those pills, that crumb, that roach
Thinkin’ I would never do that, not that drug
And growing up nobody ever does
Until your stuck, lookin’ in the mirror like I can’t believe what I’ve become
Swore I was goin’ to be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come.”

 

Little by little every single day, I start to see something in myself – something beyond all the random little bullshit people spit out about what they believe or don’t, something beyond our surface choices and everything else. That core of my being, that girl that I honestly am beyond all other things. It’s take years to gather so much about this part of me, this honest and real me. I’m discovering her, piece by piece, fragments at a time. Now, it’s slowly forming something real. Something I can understand. I’m forming this strong, powerful girl that craves adventure and something more out of this life. But more than that.. This is a girl I can be proud of and love. And after years of self hatred, this is something very big to me.

You see, I’ve always been that kid that’s like “No way, not me. I’m NEVER going to be like that.” when it comes to drugs/smoking/drinking/partying/etc. I roll my eyes at the idiots that spew “YOLO” like it’s some justification for being an asshole and ruining your own life. The problem is, you really DO only live once. That plagues me. This is IT. This is my one shot at this. I don’t have forever. And really, with the insecurity that the Mysterious Sickness of Doom leaves me to contend with, I’m not exactly sure just how long I have to go. But what I do know is that I’ve watched so many people I love throw their lives down the drain for petty shit. And for some reason, I’ve been blessed with the ability to say no. Even the moments of weakness that made me give in weren’t enough to keep me. I’m clean. I’m sober. And nowadays, it feels like a damn miracle to be one of those people.

We live on the cusp of death thinking that it won’t be us.

The point is, I’ve been called a great many unpleasant things for the fact I’m against substance use. People don’t like you butting in and trying to make them stop when they’re on a war path with themselves. I get it. But nobody really gets why I feel like this, even the people that have seen some of my personal demons come to life, the people that SHOULD understand why I can’t be comfortable. It started to hurt after a while to be that “judgemental” friend. It still does. Because I’m not trying to judge. I’m trying to protect.

Now I’m seeing something different in myself. I see it when I take a glance at the girl that I’m uncovering. I’m seeing a girl that is strong: strong enough to survive hell, strong enough to not give in or give up. I’m seeing a girl that can overcome and, maybe, help drag a few people back out of hell with me. Instead of being so hurt because people want to tell me I’m straightedge and a buzz kill and blah blah… I’d like to be an example of a life that doesn’t need that shit. I don’t need some fake happiness. There are beautiful moments in this world that I want to remember clearly. I don’t have time to become another failed dreamer.

And I’ll be damned if I let someone else drag me down just because they wish they could have the will to hold out.

I’m not straightedge. I’m not a buzz kill. I’m not that judgemental friend.

I’m free of the chains that bind everyone else around here.

~Angel

I forgot to mention in the random little update I did in my last post, that my health is sort heading downhill again. I’m starting to get very bad episodes on a much more regular basis. For example: I collapsed on the stairs walking in my house last night, which was pretty scary. Then tonight, I almost fainted walking out of Les Miserables because I was getting so light-headed and dizzy. Now my body is waging war on me, so I’ll have to medicate myself and crash before long.

Point is – I’m NOT used to this. Before the Mysterious Sickness of Doom, I was unstoppable. I was go go go go go all the time, it took a lot to wear me out. I could barely sleep and be good to go. Now it doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I’m so exhausted I’m miserable. We did a few tests on me the other day and found that my blood is all screwed up again and my body is raging even more hell on me than before. Now I have even more medicine. But it made me really think and decide to take my health a little more seriously. I’m not too bad of an eater most of the time, but I’m dieting consciously this time around and trying to pick foods that benefit me and the things I’m lacking in my body for whatever reason – more protein and red meat (even though I do eat meat as it is, my body could use the extra protein and iron), making sure I keep up my electrolytes, managing my portions of food, and trying my hardest to beat my caffeine addiction… Not gonna lie, the cutting out soda part is really rough, but I’m working on it. Seeing as I’m warned against normal excersize, especially since I used to do some harder on my body workouts, I have to mostly rely on the dieting for now.

I’ve lost about 5 pounds so far. Woo!

I shall keep everyone posted as I go. Wish me luck!

Anyway, I’m tired. Time for some reading and sleeping.

~Angel