I’ve seen cocaine bring out the demons inside
Cheatin’ and lyin’
Friendship cease, no peace in the mind
Stealin’ and takin’ anything to fix the pieces inside
Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere
Only motivation for what the dealer’s supplying
That rush, that drug, that dope
Those pills, that crumb, that roach
Thinkin’ I would never do that, not that drug
And growing up nobody ever does
Until your stuck, lookin’ in the mirror like I can’t believe what I’ve become
Swore I was goin’ to be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come.”
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Little by little every single day, I start to see something in myself – something beyond all the random little bullshit people spit out about what they believe or don’t, something beyond our surface choices and everything else. That core of my being, that girl that I honestly am beyond all other things. It’s take years to gather so much about this part of me, this honest and real me. I’m discovering her, piece by piece, fragments at a time. Now, it’s slowly forming something real. Something I can understand. I’m forming this strong, powerful girl that craves adventure and something more out of this life. But more than that.. This is a girl I can be proud of and love. And after years of self hatred, this is something very big to me.
You see, I’ve always been that kid that’s like “No way, not me. I’m NEVER going to be like that.” when it comes to drugs/smoking/drinking/partying/etc. I roll my eyes at the idiots that spew “YOLO” like it’s some justification for being an asshole and ruining your own life. The problem is, you really DO only live once. That plagues me. This is IT. This is my one shot at this. I don’t have forever. And really, with the insecurity that the Mysterious Sickness of Doom leaves me to contend with, I’m not exactly sure just how long I have to go. But what I do know is that I’ve watched so many people I love throw their lives down the drain for petty shit. And for some reason, I’ve been blessed with the ability to say no. Even the moments of weakness that made me give in weren’t enough to keep me. I’m clean. I’m sober. And nowadays, it feels like a damn miracle to be one of those people.
We live on the cusp of death thinking that it won’t be us.
The point is, I’ve been called a great many unpleasant things for the fact I’m against substance use. People don’t like you butting in and trying to make them stop when they’re on a war path with themselves. I get it. But nobody really gets why I feel like this, even the people that have seen some of my personal demons come to life, the people that SHOULD understand why I can’t be comfortable. It started to hurt after a while to be that “judgemental” friend. It still does. Because I’m not trying to judge. I’m trying to protect.
Now I’m seeing something different in myself. I see it when I take a glance at the girl that I’m uncovering. I’m seeing a girl that is strong: strong enough to survive hell, strong enough to not give in or give up. I’m seeing a girl that can overcome and, maybe, help drag a few people back out of hell with me. Instead of being so hurt because people want to tell me I’m straightedge and a buzz kill and blah blah… I’d like to be an example of a life that doesn’t need that shit. I don’t need some fake happiness. There are beautiful moments in this world that I want to remember clearly. I don’t have time to become another failed dreamer.
And I’ll be damned if I let someone else drag me down just because they wish they could have the will to hold out.
I’m not straightedge. I’m not a buzz kill. I’m not that judgemental friend.
I’m free of the chains that bind everyone else around here.
~Angel
Misadventures of a Misfit 