Posts Tagged ‘outdoors’

Where I Write (Number One)

Posted: September 6, 2013 by Angel Young in Uncategorized
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This thought came to me while I was procrastinating studying for my algebra test – would it be interesting to post some places I like to write at? So, here’s the first one: college. Specifically at this spot outside the Fine Arts building. I don’t know why, but there’s something about this place that relaxes me and let’s the creative juices flow. I’ve written an entire rough draft at this table throughout the semesters. Today it is particularly wonderful.
~Angel

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“I’ll be dead before the day is gone.”

deadbeforethedayisgone

Taken in my field earlier.

Stress is a happy little erosion eating every single bit of happiness from my life. I lose sight of everything because I can’t get a grip on anything, and before I know it, life is spiraling out of my control. It’s crunch time. I don’t need this right now. And it never fails – one step forward, ten steps back. Get something handled or some good news, only to have it all followed up by a series of bad. No matter how hard I try to keep moving forward, I get kicked in the teeth and knocked on my ass.

I am tired.

After my surprise (and somewhat miserable failure) going away party for Skylar, when I was pulling into my driveway, I stopped in the field and got out of the car. Because I’m stressed, and sick, and exhausted, and honestly.. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

And there it is. The forest. The field. The sunset. Calling me. Some desperate begging from the earth to just go. Leave. Forget everything and explore.

Obviously, I didn’t run off on some grand adventure. But I did walk around for a few minutes, taking in the quiet and letting myself calm down. I don’t feeling one-hundred percent better, but I’m not having a panic attack at least.

And it’s peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all

And it’s breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go

I really could use that vacation right now. Is it the 17th yet? Because I’d greatly like to not be Angel for a little while. Oh well. Until later,

~Angel

Each way I turn, I know I’ll always try
To break this circle that’s been placed around me
From time to time, I find I’ve lost some need
That was urgent to myself, I do believe

Life is weird. I say this a lot, actually. Sometimes because my life is being weird, sometimes because the whole world is going insane around me, and sometimes as just a gentle fact. But here it is, staring me dead in the eye, being all weird and whatnot, saying “Behold my grand symphony of destruction and creation.” I’m just supposed to sit back and survive the ride, but I’d like to actually enjoy said ride. Even if it’s crazy. Even if I think I might die with every twist and turn. I need to grit my teeth and hold on and try to enjoy it.

Tonight I think I’ll walk alone
I’ll find my soul as I go home

So, one of my very best friends – Skylar – is about to leave for the army, and it’s eating me up inside. I know she’ll be back. I know it’s for the best, and I’m so proud of her for being so brave and jumping out there int0 this great wide world. But it doesn’t change the ache in my chest, and it certainly doesn’t change how much I’m going to miss her. She leaves the day before Brittaney and I head to Orlando. Then, while we are in Orlando, the anniversary of Eric’s death will roll around. It’s going to be the first time I haven’t spent the 23rd of June at the cemetery, and I’m somewhat terrified. I guess a part of me is worried he’ll be let down. I know I’m worried about how I will handle it when the day actually comes. But I know that if I stayed here, dealing with Skylar leaving, Eric’s anniversary, and the approach of Whitney’s birthday… I couldn’t handle it. Not this year. Not right now. So I need to be away. Fate gave me an opportunity and I took it. Even though there is peace when I’m alone at the graveyard with him, I know that someday I will have to leave the land of the dead and learn to hold myself up as one of the living.

Something that helps me rejoin the land of the living: Going to the zoo with my maniac friends. Hell, adventures with them in general is just.. Yeah ❤

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I failed miserably at finishing my manuscript in time for my self set deadline (well, I wasn’t off by too much until work got in the way), which is why I haven’t posted really for some time. I was trying my hardest to make sure I accomplished that. But, things happen. I’ll get it done. But first, I need to finish my photo shoots with Little Red – aka Skylar – before she leaves.

Plus, I’m learning to deal with the Mysterious Sickness of Doom — erm, my bad — Sjogren’s. But explaining that is a post all it’s own.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” — Steve Jobs

Anyway, that’s all for tonight. I shall post more hopefully this week.

~Angel