Posts Tagged ‘music’

 

This post was inspired by two incredible women – Michelle Zink and “Momma” Maria. 🙂 Thanks to both of you wonderful ladies for giving me the motivation to stay focused on the positive.

Now, I’d like to do this as a collective series of posts – do some now, some in another blog, etc. Just keep going. But for today, I’ll only post a few.

My “other momma”, Maria, told me the other day that I needed to make a list of at least 5 things I was grateful for. Something to remind me that I have plenty to be happy about, even when I feel like there really isn’t anything worth smiling about.

Then I think it was the next day, the beautiful and talented Michelle Zink (she’s an absolute doll and an incredible writer and you need to read her books RIGHT NOW) posted a very inspiring blog about the little things in life. You can check out said post by clicking here.

To sum it up easily – an idea formed in my head to combine these two ideas. And here you have it, my Little Things post, about the little things in life that make everything so much better.

Five Little Things:

  • Long drives with my friends, the radio up and lots of (usually terrible) singing.
  • Chinese food.
  • The smell of the ink in a fresh tattoo.
  • My nieces, that could practically be my own daughters.
  • Batman.

So there you have it. 5 Little Things that I love. Little things that make everything a little better. Some of them are a little silly to some people, but to me they bring a smile to my face. Hopefully you guys enjoy this idea for a post. I’m planning to do one each week, mostly as a reminder for myself of the things that make everything better in life.

Stay tuned for more posts with some exciting news this week 😀

 

~Angel

Friday was a horrible scary unpleasant day. If you want to get technical, the last two weeks have been a living hell. Between losing Whitney, realizing some pretty bad things about the Mysterious Sickness of Doom, and random other pretty poorly timed news and stress. So, I really needed a night with two of my very best friends: Brittaney and Skylar. I’d be absolutely lost without these two girls.

“And if you’re scared of the future tonight,
we’ll just take it each hour, one at a time.
It’s a pretty good night for a drive,
so dry up those eyes, dry up those eyes.”

And really, I think all three of us needed last night. Skylar is leaving for the military in 106 days (she’s keeping track haha), and Brittaney has just had a lot of stress in general on her. Plus I have to be the party pooper and throw it out there that Hey, something is possibly very wrong with me guys. But we didn’t let that get to us: chinese food, a mini road trip to St Louis for some quick shopping and then a movie, and loads of drive-time fun. Simple, but a beautiful night. It’s the little things in life really that make the best moments.

So thanks, ladies, for the thereapy, shenanigans, and dance parties in my car. For a while, we kept the horrible thoughts out of my head.

crackheadsskylarmarioandluigi2CREEP

Life has a funny way of kicking you right in the teeth in the worst way right when you really can’t handle it.

whit2

The above comment was left on my post “Reflection”, in which I talked about my issues with substance abuse and friends and everything. Whitney is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known, inside and out. She was kind, loving, and saw past the worst in people. Unfortunately, a few days after her comment was left, she passed away. She died on a Friday night, at age 23. I found out Saturday morning. I can honestly say, it shattered my world.

whitneycrop

There isn’t much I can think of to say. My brain is still a jumbled mess. But Whitney was an incredible person, full of life and love and laughter. She would be there for her friends and family no matter what and do her best to help. We’ve had many long talks, goofy trips to St Louis for photo shoots and movies and mall shopping. She was one of the best friends a girl could ask for. That anyone could ask for really. Her funeral was proof of that – pack full, with people from every walk of life: different classes, races, religions, people with and without heavy body modification, etc. Whitney loved everyone. And she was very loved in return.

whit

“And though you’re dead and gone believe me –
Your memory will carry on,
We’ll carry on.”

I can’t handle typing anymore tonight. I’ll write more later.

~Angel

A friend (THANK YOU EMILY!!!) suggested I listen to this song earlier, and I thought I’d share. I needed to hear this song today, and it’s really made me feel so much better. Let’s add it to my Soundtrack of a Misfit: Force of the Unseen by Cloud Cult:

We said, “There’s nothing wrong.”
We put our strong face on.
And go right
through it.
Please say it can’t be done.
Cuz that’s just fuel for me to
just prove this yeah, you’ll see.
Cuz that’s just fuel for me to just do
this, yeah, you’ll see.

We have so much energy that you can’t
see.
We’ll blow right through it.
Please say you can’t help me.
Cuz that’s just fuel for me to just prove this, yeah, you’ll see.
Cuz that’s just
fuel for me to just do this, yeah, you’ll see.

I’m gonna make it through,
you’ll see.
I swear I’ll prove you wrong.
You haven’t seen the last of
me.
I am way too strong.
It’s not impossible, you’ll see.
You’ve never
been inside my head:
Ten billion burning suns and belief in a strength that
can raise the dead.

It’s the warmth when you’re next to me.
It’s the
bright white light of a fevered dream.
It’s the storm in your eyes.
It’s
in the roots of the tree:
The underestimated power of the forces of the
unseen.

I’ve seen cocaine bring out the demons inside

Cheatin’ and lyin’
Friendship cease, no peace in the mind
Stealin’ and takin’ anything to fix the pieces inside
Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere
Only motivation for what the dealer’s supplying
That rush, that drug, that dope
Those pills, that crumb, that roach
Thinkin’ I would never do that, not that drug
And growing up nobody ever does
Until your stuck, lookin’ in the mirror like I can’t believe what I’ve become
Swore I was goin’ to be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come.”

 

Little by little every single day, I start to see something in myself – something beyond all the random little bullshit people spit out about what they believe or don’t, something beyond our surface choices and everything else. That core of my being, that girl that I honestly am beyond all other things. It’s take years to gather so much about this part of me, this honest and real me. I’m discovering her, piece by piece, fragments at a time. Now, it’s slowly forming something real. Something I can understand. I’m forming this strong, powerful girl that craves adventure and something more out of this life. But more than that.. This is a girl I can be proud of and love. And after years of self hatred, this is something very big to me.

You see, I’ve always been that kid that’s like “No way, not me. I’m NEVER going to be like that.” when it comes to drugs/smoking/drinking/partying/etc. I roll my eyes at the idiots that spew “YOLO” like it’s some justification for being an asshole and ruining your own life. The problem is, you really DO only live once. That plagues me. This is IT. This is my one shot at this. I don’t have forever. And really, with the insecurity that the Mysterious Sickness of Doom leaves me to contend with, I’m not exactly sure just how long I have to go. But what I do know is that I’ve watched so many people I love throw their lives down the drain for petty shit. And for some reason, I’ve been blessed with the ability to say no. Even the moments of weakness that made me give in weren’t enough to keep me. I’m clean. I’m sober. And nowadays, it feels like a damn miracle to be one of those people.

We live on the cusp of death thinking that it won’t be us.

The point is, I’ve been called a great many unpleasant things for the fact I’m against substance use. People don’t like you butting in and trying to make them stop when they’re on a war path with themselves. I get it. But nobody really gets why I feel like this, even the people that have seen some of my personal demons come to life, the people that SHOULD understand why I can’t be comfortable. It started to hurt after a while to be that “judgemental” friend. It still does. Because I’m not trying to judge. I’m trying to protect.

Now I’m seeing something different in myself. I see it when I take a glance at the girl that I’m uncovering. I’m seeing a girl that is strong: strong enough to survive hell, strong enough to not give in or give up. I’m seeing a girl that can overcome and, maybe, help drag a few people back out of hell with me. Instead of being so hurt because people want to tell me I’m straightedge and a buzz kill and blah blah… I’d like to be an example of a life that doesn’t need that shit. I don’t need some fake happiness. There are beautiful moments in this world that I want to remember clearly. I don’t have time to become another failed dreamer.

And I’ll be damned if I let someone else drag me down just because they wish they could have the will to hold out.

I’m not straightedge. I’m not a buzz kill. I’m not that judgemental friend.

I’m free of the chains that bind everyone else around here.

~Angel

I’m afraid because I know I cannot fight forever.

Between stress and sickness, I’m starting to meet my match. Mortality is slapping in the face and reminding me of just what I stated above: I cannot fight forever. I am a strong individual, but I cannot hold up to constant attempts to drag me down. Nobody can. Eventually, something has to give. I will crumble and break, and at this rate, it will be sooner rather than later.

I ended up staying home from work today. Which is a big deal, really, when you consider the fact that I’ve been working crazy hours even when I’ve had fevers, blood gushing out of my ear canal, been vomiting my guys out, and been in so much pain I could barely move – BUT STILL CONTINUED WORKING. But between stress and being miserable and knowing I’d probably die if I attempted to go in… Yeah. It was a day I had to choose to put health first. Which sort of bit me in the ass, and I’m sure I’ll have to pay for it tomorrow. But you know what? I don’t care. Not anymore.

I’m learning to live my life a different way, slowly but surely. I have to make choices based on what’s best for me in the end, and it’s gotten very difficult to figure out exactly what IS best for me. What should my priorities be? What needs to be put first? I cannot do everything, not like I used to.

It sounds like a change of subject, but it really isn’t – but there is a song from WICKED called “Defying Gravity” that I’ve fallen in love with. It’s hard to explain without ruining part of WICKED for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but it’s basically a very self-empowering song, where Elphaba makes her choice to live by what she deems right and not doing what she’s told anymore, even if it’s scary to make that choice. I want to get a tattoo based off this song, I love it so much. I’m not going to get into it very much right now, because I plan to do a post on it alone in the coming weeks.

The point is, this song is my anthem. This song is giving me the boost I need to make the choices I must. Which includes my decision to stop letting excuses stop me from chasing my dreams. I may not be able to do as much as I could before, but even baby steps will be better than nothing. So, little by little, every day, I’ve been trying to accomplish at least a little something that has nothing to do with the day job or house work or adult responsibilities etc. Be it writing, even just a little bit, or reading, or booking shoots, or editing pictures I’m behind on. Or, like today, posting a blog entry and sitting and editing my manuscript to get it ready for beta readers. Getting myself steps closer to achieving a dream. And it feels good. Damn good.

I’ve spent the most part of my day curled up in bed, in and out of a feverish daze, either crying from stress or trying to sleep. Until I finally got tired of being whiney about everything that was wrong and decided to crack open the old laptop, pull up my Work In Progress and my notes on it, and start editing once more. You know what? It feels amazing. I feel amazing. Because for that long, I can zone out of this world and be in that one. I can leave behind the stress of this world and the physical pain and discomfort, and just work on what makes me happy. The distraction is good for me. I’ve missed my old friend Writing. My cure for the bad things, even now.

Just goes to show I should follow my own advice: Keep Calm and Write Something.

Well, time to jump back into my writerly LaLa Land. 🙂

~Angel

“The fire’s only half dead, how many angels can you fit on a match head?”

Trying, trying, trying… Even though everything seems to keep falling apart, even though every time I think I have one problem out of the way, I turn around and have six more problems on top of the previous problems. Mounting stress. Worry, concern, anxiety. Eating me up. Making me nuts. Killing the passion, the drive, the fire that used to burn so bright inside of me. I wish I could just stop and focus again. I used to do so well, used to get so much done. But I never have time to shoot or draw or paint or, most importantly – write. I NEED to write. I need to shoot. I need to focus. But I’ve been working too much, stressing too much, hurting too much..

“I’m feeling like I’m half dead.”

Mysterious Sickness of Doom just won’t go away. I just can’t seem to make myself feel any better, then find out more things are wrong. More procedures, more doctors, more test. I’m tired of it all. I just want to be better again. I want to go home from work and not feel like I’m going to die because my body hurts too much.

“I’d tell you the truth but I don’t wanna upset you friend.
I’d tell you “Go to hell” but Satan wouldn’t let you in.
He’d say that you’re an evil man amongst evil men,
And when you need a friend you can seek him then.”

I’m tired of the bad guy winning lately. Tired of people destroying my chances to move forward. Not just me bitching that someone else is holding me back – I mean LITERALLY, people getting themselves into some huge mess and somehow dragging me into said mess. It’s never ending. And it pulls some domino effect stuff on the rest of my life, leaving me lost on what to do next when I was so sure I had a game plan in mind.

In other news…

My friend Skylar, aka the FABULOUS model Little Red ( Go like her on Facebook!), started living with me this week, and we’re officially moving her stuff tomorrow with the help of our mutual friend (and my bestie) Brittaney – aka other fab model, Daisy Von Doom ( Annnnd go like her on Facebook as well). Also, we’re redoing my bathroom. Well, starting on it at least. So yeah. Shit is craaazy right now.

More news, hopefully less whiney, later.

~Angel

“The Graveyard Near The House”

by The Airborne Toxic Event

The other day when we were walking by the graveyard near the house you asked me if I thought
Would ever die. And if life and love both fade so predictably, we’ve made ourselves a kind of predictable lie.
So I pictured us like corpses lying side by side in pieces in some dark and lonely plot under a bough. We looked so silly
There all decomposed, half turned to dust in tattered clothes, though we probably look just as silly now.

Bye, bye, bye, all this dog-eared innocence. I can’t pretend that I can tell you what is going to happen next or how to be.
But you have no idea about me. Do you?

It left me to wonder if people ever know each other or just stumble around like strangers in the dark. Because sometimes
You seem so strange to me, I must seem strange to you. We’re like two actors playing two parts. Did you memorize your lines? ‘Cause
I did. Here’s the part where I get so mad. I tell you that I can’t forget the past. You get so quiet now
And you seem somehow like a lost and lonely child and you just hope that the moment won’t last.

Bye, bye, bye all this dogged innocence. I can’t pretend that I can tell you what is going to happen next or how to be.
But you have no idea about me. Do you?

Still, there’s always a way around. There’s something tying our feet to the ground.
A moment passed, we hear how it sounds. And it seems a little less profound, like we’re all
Going the same way down.

I’m just trying to write it all down.

I write songs, and you write letters. We are tied like two in tethers, and we talk and read and laugh and sleep at night in
Bed together. And you wake in tears sometimes, I can see the thoughts flash across your eyes.
They say, “Darling will you be kind? Will you be a good man and stay behind if I get old?”

Then the letters all flash through my head, with the words that I was told about the fading flesh of life and love,
The failures of the bold. I can list each crippling fear like I’m reading from a will.

And I’ll defy every one and love you still. I will carry you with me up every hill. And if you die before I die,
I’ll carve your name out of the sky. I’ll fall asleep with your memory and dream of where you lie.

It may be better to move on and to let life just carry on and I may be wrong. Still I’ll try.

Because it’s better to love whether you win or lose or die. It’s better to love and I will love you until I die.

 

This song has been reaching out to me lately, and I can’t completely understand why I feel like it’d be on the soundtrack to my life. But still, it’s one of those songs I’m sure would be listed. After my walk through the cemetery the other day, the peace it brought, and some of the stress lately.. Yeah. This fits.

 

~Angel

One of my favorite songs by a band I adore (I could listen to the CD this song is from again and again.) Thought I’d share. =)

I’m supppppposed to be writing out a list of things I need to do before my trip to Orlando next month. (Oh, did I not mention this? I’ll explain later..)

But instead, it’s PROCRASTINATION BLOG TIME! WOO!

Of Not-So-Good-Days:

I’ve been moody the past several days, thanks to silly people and their desire to drag me way, way down for whatever reason. But it’s cool, I can take it. I’ve heard worse, really. Definitely been through worse. It just starts to get pretty annoying  and eventually starts to bring you down. Oh joy, that’s what I really need right now: even more stress and reasons to mope about.

But, luckily for me, I’ve been building up this nifty little thing called strength since I was a kid.Once upon a time I had antidepressants, then didn’t want to take medicine to feel normal. Then I developed a not so great habit that I still don’t feel completely comfortable to share. Luckily, I did end up kicking it (go me), though I don’t believe it will every really be gone. When I was 20, after dealing with a pretty rough year, I decided I needed something to remind me of that. So, I had ‘Strength’ tattooed on my right wrist so I could see it any time I started to doubt myself. It’s not that I need some silly reminder. But when I start to feel like maybe everything is hopeless, maybe I should give up and change my course, I know somewhere inside of me is the strength to overcome. I can see that bold black ink on my skin, a constant reminder of  “You can do this” just for me. Because there are worse things in life, and because I’ve been through worse myself. I can do this. I can make it.

I hate it when I get down on myself. I’m really my own worst enemy, above anyone else in the world. I can shrug off haters. I can ignore petty people and doubters. But my own mind? Yikes. Keep it away from me. Because it seems to know exactly what to say to drag me into my own little hell and make me never want to leave my bed again. But that’s where the whole strength thing comes back into play: I overcome. I pick up my pieces, dust my shoulders off, and keep going. I tend to become angry, or more likely determined to press onward. It’s very, very rare that I just give up and mope about in my own self pity. I battle my depression with all the force I can, and usually win out. It’s something I’m extremely proud of. It’s the most beautiful thing about me. It’s what keeps my body alive, my soul beautiful, and my eyes reflecting that.

I. Am. Strong.

Writing has been one of the healthiest releases for me when I’m trying to overcome any anxiety or depression. Like the image says – Keep Calm and Write Something. Yeah, yeah. It’s a rip-off of the whole ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ thing. But still – it works for how I feel. Working on a piece of art has a similar way of releasing all the bad things from me – I turn up some music and get messy, and for at least that long I can breathe without an ache in my chest and not have to focus on all the bad.And in times when that just won’t cut it – I clean like a crazy person. (I hadn’t noticed I clean when I’m upset until it was pointed out to me some time ago. Go figure.)

That’s the kind of thing I always recommend to people: find a hobby (a non-destructive, illegal, or otherwise bad hobby mind you) that you’re passionate about and let that be your escape.  Some people have writing of whatever form, some listen to music, some clean, some go for walks/runs, some paint or draw or sculpt or whatever. Create something better instead of doing something negative. Accomplish something. That’s what seems to work – not hiding your hurt in some pile of useless vices on those not-so-good-days.

The Mysterious Sickness of Doom:

I’ve been making a slight improvement health wise, but nothing as grand as everyone else seems to believe. Eh, whatever. I’ve started working a few hours a day again in hopes of keeping my job (the threat of replacement was lingering in the air), and have slowly but surely started taking on photography projects again (see previous post).

But still no real answers. Still no signs of my previous self.

Why AM I going to Orlando?!:

Hogwarts, my dear lovelies. That’s why.

~Angel