Posts Tagged ‘creativity’

One of my biggest struggles I’ve had with Sjogren’s, as I’ve mentioned a few times I believe, is the battle with fatigue and brain fog. Not that the other creativemindssymptoms aren’t horrible, but these particular symptoms have caused me a lot of grief with several aspects of my life aside from just making me miserable. My memory used to be incredible, and writing was never something I struggled with. Sjogren’s tossed me into a brain fog I never thought I would escape. But lately, I’ve been getting myself back under control.

For example, my last post – Hypergraphia – was about just that. I am compelled once again by the Midnight Disease, when I am not only wanting to write, but I simply have to write. It’s a compulsion, and I’ll write anywhere on anything available. That’s even what that post was. Something inside of my head was driving me to write. This is a feeling I used to be familiar with, even somewhat in control of. I was always writing, and always wanting to write. But not as much thanks to Sjogren’s, and definitely not as strong.

In part, I believe it’s from a general sense of getting back to myself. I’ve spent a long, long time drowning in depression because of a variety of reasons. My head was held under water because I never have time for creative outlets, I work all the time, college is a mess, I’m plagued by my own self doubt, struggling with a relentless illness, and a general series of unfortunate events blocking my way. But I’ve grown tired of being down, and letting my failures occur so frequently. I am a determined young woman with a lot of dreams and potential, and it about time I stop putting myself on the back burner. And by this I mean – it’s time to focus on what I want, and not just what is needed. Not just the sick girl, not just the working girl, or the aunt, or the daughter, or whatever. I need to focus on Angel Young – the Writer, Artist, Photographer, and Weirdo. Because that’s who I am. I remember her.

I’ve been very lucky to find myself surrounded by more and more like-minded individuals, people driven to be everything they can and live out their dreams, as well as help other people in return. It’s one thing to be alone and trying to make it, but when you’re surrounded by so much inspiration, it’s hard not to try and keep trying to make all of your dreams into reality. My aim is set on the moon, but I’ve realized how beautiful it already is here among these bright stars.

But not only that – I think that the Legends of the Knight screening honestly helped me a lot more than I realized. I pulled off something I never even fathomed I could, and even doubted a lot along the way. I was convinced that I couldn’t bring this film to my little theater, that I couldn’t raise money, that I couldn’t do all of this and honor Eric’s memory by not only living, but by doing something incredible with my life. But I did. And I’m not finished yet.

I cried earlier today. It wasn’t because I was sad, or in pain, or sick. It was because I thought about all the amazing things I’ve done, and how far I can still go if I really try. I was filled with a hope I haven’t had for some time and an overwhelming burst to create.

Because I am Angel Young. I am a writer, a photographer, an artist, and a weirdo. I’m proud of who I am, and couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be anyone else ever again. So it’s time I take my life back into my own hands.

~Angel

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Accurate representation is accurate:

BeginGiveUp

 

That’s a fairly good summary of not only how I feel today, but how I’ve been feeling about writing in general lately. Like everything is garbage I try to write. I can’t actually give focus to any projects. Everything starts out so promising..

ItBeganLongAgo

Then it becomes a bit more:

NOPE

I guess I’m just going to make myself free write until my brain can kick start itself into functioning properly again. Come on, Muse. What’s the hold up?

Muse3

….Alrighty then.

~Angel

 

I’m a big fan of nurturing my inner child. It’s not a secret, because it’s so painfully evident that other people decide to play Captain Obvious and remind me that I’m child-like. Thanks, got it.

I can’t really help it – the little things in life still excite me. Imagination and creativity and wonder fuel my existence. I’d rather curl up and watch cartoons than go to a fancy restaurant date. I like collecting toys and plushies and things that just bring a smile to my face. I geek out over Batman, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, etc like you wouldn’t even believe, with a sort of nerdy joy that many instantly refer to as acting like a kid on Christmas morning.

And for a while, off and on in my life, this has made me feel terrible. Not because I don’t like it, but because other people make me feel like I shouldn’t. Adults don’t focus on those things. Adults don’t like those things. Adults blah blah blah. I hear it constantly about my travels and my dreams and everything people can find to criticize. For a while, I really didn’t understand why I just couldn’t be like everyone else and function like me. Then this thought occurred to me when I saw Rise of the Guardians:RotG

When North (the Santa character), is describing himself and what makes him a guardian, he explains his Center. For North, after you pass all the other layers, at his very core is Wonder. He is wide-eyed and child-like and sees all this magic and beauty and potential to the world. He then asks Jack, “What is yours?”

If I broke myself down, I think I could be – from outside inward:

1.) Weird

2.) Creative

3.) Strong

4.) Compassionate & loyal

5.) Courageous

and, at the very center, I am…

6.) Adventurous and full of Wonder

Not to copy North or anything on the Wonder part, but honestly at my center is my childlike wonder. The girl that used to adventure through the woods and take it all in, wide-eyed and fascinated. In a way, I’ve never come out of that. I still wander to unfamiliar places and take it all in with appreciation. I want to take off and explore and be the girl I’ve always been in my heart.

So on the outside, I may be a touch weird, and beyond that people realize I’m creative. Sometimes people get farther, to learn I’m strong, compassionate, and loyal. When they really start to see what I’m made of, they see my courage to continue on despite every obstacle. But what makes up everything is my center. The adventurous child.

That is my center; what is yours?

~Angel

I use my veins to create the color I paint from
Delve into something ’til my
heart becomes my paint brush

Dream

I’ve mentioned this roughly four trillion times by now, I’m sure – My unspeakable desire to break free of this rut I’m in and be back to my normal life of dream chasing (though you can hardly call me ‘normal’… maybe just back to my old self.) Because I am not a desk job person. I am not an office monkey. To be honest, my work doesn’t make me happy anymore, it doesn’t pertain to my future, and it doesn’t help whatsoever with the Mysterious Sickness of Doom.

So I stare into this paper instead of sitting at a cubicle
Take all ugly shit inside and try to make it beautiful

So, I declare it time to get my ass into gear. For real. Not just hoping I can and against my will it doesn’t work out. No. Not this time. This time, I am giving myself a set amount of time for these revisions, set amount of time to get it to my Beta reader, set amount of time to review it once again. I’m giving myself oh-so-long to work on something different to clear my mind of this story so I can look at it with fresh eyes. But mark my words. I’m getting something accomplished this year. I’m getting my query letters to agents out before 2013 is over with. I’m done waiting. I’m done letting everything else take priority over what I really want out of this life. If the Day Job wants to stand in the way, then… I guess it’ll have to go for now.

Because it is time I get back to Angel Young – the writer. Not Angel Young, the office monkey.

~Angel