I’m afraid because I know I cannot fight forever.
Between stress and sickness, I’m starting to meet my match. Mortality is slapping in the face and reminding me of just what I stated above: I cannot fight forever. I am a strong individual, but I cannot hold up to constant attempts to drag me down. Nobody can. Eventually, something has to give. I will crumble and break, and at this rate, it will be sooner rather than later.
I ended up staying home from work today. Which is a big deal, really, when you consider the fact that I’ve been working crazy hours even when I’ve had fevers, blood gushing out of my ear canal, been vomiting my guys out, and been in so much pain I could barely move – BUT STILL CONTINUED WORKING. But between stress and being miserable and knowing I’d probably die if I attempted to go in… Yeah. It was a day I had to choose to put health first. Which sort of bit me in the ass, and I’m sure I’ll have to pay for it tomorrow. But you know what? I don’t care. Not anymore.
I’m learning to live my life a different way, slowly but surely. I have to make choices based on what’s best for me in the end, and it’s gotten very difficult to figure out exactly what IS best for me. What should my priorities be? What needs to be put first? I cannot do everything, not like I used to.
It sounds like a change of subject, but it really isn’t – but there is a song from WICKED called “Defying Gravity” that I’ve fallen in love with. It’s hard to explain without ruining part of WICKED for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but it’s basically a very self-empowering song, where Elphaba makes her choice to live by what she deems right and not doing what she’s told anymore, even if it’s scary to make that choice. I want to get a tattoo based off this song, I love it so much. I’m not going to get into it very much right now, because I plan to do a post on it alone in the coming weeks.
The point is, this song is my anthem. This song is giving me the boost I need to make the choices I must. Which includes my decision to stop letting excuses stop me from chasing my dreams. I may not be able to do as much as I could before, but even baby steps will be better than nothing. So, little by little, every day, I’ve been trying to accomplish at least a little something that has nothing to do with the day job or house work or adult responsibilities etc. Be it writing, even just a little bit, or reading, or booking shoots, or editing pictures I’m behind on. Or, like today, posting a blog entry and sitting and editing my manuscript to get it ready for beta readers. Getting myself steps closer to achieving a dream. And it feels good. Damn good.
I’ve spent the most part of my day curled up in bed, in and out of a feverish daze, either crying from stress or trying to sleep. Until I finally got tired of being whiney about everything that was wrong and decided to crack open the old laptop, pull up my Work In Progress and my notes on it, and start editing once more. You know what? It feels amazing. I feel amazing. Because for that long, I can zone out of this world and be in that one. I can leave behind the stress of this world and the physical pain and discomfort, and just work on what makes me happy. The distraction is good for me. I’ve missed my old friend Writing. My cure for the bad things, even now.
Just goes to show I should follow my own advice: Keep Calm and Write Something.
Well, time to jump back into my writerly LaLa Land. 🙂
~Angel
Misadventures of a Misfit 