Posts Tagged ‘be inspired’

One of my biggest struggles I’ve had with Sjogren’s, as I’ve mentioned a few times I believe, is the battle with fatigue and brain fog. Not that the other creativemindssymptoms aren’t horrible, but these particular symptoms have caused me a lot of grief with several aspects of my life aside from just making me miserable. My memory used to be incredible, and writing was never something I struggled with. Sjogren’s tossed me into a brain fog I never thought I would escape. But lately, I’ve been getting myself back under control.

For example, my last post – Hypergraphia – was about just that. I am compelled once again by the Midnight Disease, when I am not only wanting to write, but I simply have to write. It’s a compulsion, and I’ll write anywhere on anything available. That’s even what that post was. Something inside of my head was driving me to write. This is a feeling I used to be familiar with, even somewhat in control of. I was always writing, and always wanting to write. But not as much thanks to Sjogren’s, and definitely not as strong.

In part, I believe it’s from a general sense of getting back to myself. I’ve spent a long, long time drowning in depression because of a variety of reasons. My head was held under water because I never have time for creative outlets, I work all the time, college is a mess, I’m plagued by my own self doubt, struggling with a relentless illness, and a general series of unfortunate events blocking my way. But I’ve grown tired of being down, and letting my failures occur so frequently. I am a determined young woman with a lot of dreams and potential, and it about time I stop putting myself on the back burner. And by this I mean – it’s time to focus on what I want, and not just what is needed. Not just the sick girl, not just the working girl, or the aunt, or the daughter, or whatever. I need to focus on Angel Young – the Writer, Artist, Photographer, and Weirdo. Because that’s who I am. I remember her.

I’ve been very lucky to find myself surrounded by more and more like-minded individuals, people driven to be everything they can and live out their dreams, as well as help other people in return. It’s one thing to be alone and trying to make it, but when you’re surrounded by so much inspiration, it’s hard not to try and keep trying to make all of your dreams into reality. My aim is set on the moon, but I’ve realized how beautiful it already is here among these bright stars.

But not only that – I think that the Legends of the Knight screening honestly helped me a lot more than I realized. I pulled off something I never even fathomed I could, and even doubted a lot along the way. I was convinced that I couldn’t bring this film to my little theater, that I couldn’t raise money, that I couldn’t do all of this and honor Eric’s memory by not only living, but by doing something incredible with my life. But I did. And I’m not finished yet.

I cried earlier today. It wasn’t because I was sad, or in pain, or sick. It was because I thought about all the amazing things I’ve done, and how far I can still go if I really try. I was filled with a hope I haven’t had for some time and an overwhelming burst to create.

Because I am Angel Young. I am a writer, a photographer, an artist, and a weirdo. I’m proud of who I am, and couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be anyone else ever again. So it’s time I take my life back into my own hands.

~Angel

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So, I recently watched (and then rewatched) Bo Burnham’s “what.” – which I’ll refer to as a comedy special, even though his performance was that and so much more. Look him up on YouTube if you aren’t easily offended. And even if you are… get over it for a few minutes. He’s a breath of fresh air and brings me great joy, even on dark days.

Point is, his final segment is incredibly inspiring to me:

Hopefully, you watched the video.

Anyway. I have this problem a lot with random friends, acquaintances, family, etc. Whenever stuff is going right in my life – i.e. New article/photo published, new interview, I mention filming, or they see a new profile pic of me and a celebrity… and BAM! Suddenly, I have a whole group of people come out of the woodwork that are suddenly my BFFs and closest of close family members, when 90% NEVER TALK TO ME EVER. 80% I’m pretty sure have never even LIKED me. Friends of a friend’s friend are suddenly messaging me like I’ve known them for years. While I am not opposed to new friends, I don’t appreciate the awkwardness of one you can just tell from the start isn’t genuine. Especially if the conversation drifts to…:

So, I saw that picture of you and [insert celebrity/author/artist/whatever here], and I’m a huuuuge fan, could you introduce us?”

You’re drawings are amazing! Would you draw me [insert random picture here]? What’s a commission? You mean you’d charge a FRIEND?” (Mind you, there are friends and instances I AM fine with this. But those are my long term friends, or people I wanted to draw anyway, etc.)

I heard you’re trying to get a book published! You should give me a copy when it comes out!” (Yes, because what I really want to do when I’m trying to make a living off of my writing is give people I never talk to free copies. Sheesh.)

You can use me as a model, because I totally would love to have some shots taken… But none of that weird stuff. Like, I want some normal pictures. What do you mean you want paid for that?!” (Unless I find your face or the project we’d be working on together incredibly beneficial to my photography portfolio, it’s not too likely that I’m going to take some free pictures for you. I need to be able to make at least enough to cover the gas I used to get to the shoot. Otherwise, what’s the point?)

And really, I could just keep going on and on and on…

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The point is, I’m not one above helping people out. I am fairly reasonable and usually can work something out with people when I know their financial situation may be a little strained or something. I’m also a fairly big fan of exchange – for a small favor or assistance in something, I’m usually willing to work out something. But I can’t give everything away all the time. I would defeat the purpose of creating things to make a living. This is probably a good chunk of the reasoning behind why I’m still working my mind-numbing day job.

But people will always think they know you. People that want something from you. People that are jealous and want to drag you down. People will always try to change you and mold you to best suit their needs. And you know what? Let them try. The people that matter know who YOU are. The friends and family that have stuck by your side even when it was hard, those are the people you can count on.

Let the right people in, and clear out the toxic influences in your life. Use the negativity and stress to fuel your motivation to move forward, instead of letting it hold you back. And I beg you, plead with you —

Don’t let success get to your head, or failure get to your heart.

~Angel