Posts Tagged ‘stress’

be soft

Yesterday was bad. Yesterday was overwhelming, and scary, and I’m not sure how I made it out with my sanity. But, nothing of real note happened yesterday. No particular thing set off two very bad panic attacks. Instead, a build up of frustration and stress and the immense feeling of being absolutely powerless all melded together to leave me shaken.

I am a strong person, but I cannot always hold my head above the water. Sometimes, it’s all too much. Sometimes, I start drowning.

But I am also determined to survive, despite everything else. I have come too far to let myself fall apart now.

 

Between health, and life, and the world, and trying to find a balance between who I am now, and who I want to be, I am not coping well. Things don’t work out as we plan, and I completely understand this reality. But it doesn’t mean I have to accept that this is it. I’m torn between settling down and chasing my dreams with reckless abandon. It’s hard to do both at the same time unless you’ve already reached some success. And, unfortunately for me, I am not nearly as close to success as I used to be.

I worry for the world. I worry about people being absolute assholes to each other. I try to make a difference, but I can’t do it alone. You can read more on my post Give the World Your Best – because it’s pointless for me to go into the same details all over again for everyone that’s already read it.

I have three weeks until my procedure, and it’s making me a nervous wreck.

Yet, I have so much to make me feel better and distract myself so I don’t have to deal with anymore negative energy. The week after my procedure, I’m going to see Wicked at the Fox, and going to the Fox is one of my faaavorite things. This weekend, I’m going to Reno for a con. Next week is Thanksgiving so I’ll have some much needed down time from work. I’m sure there’s more I’m not thinking of. But I’m still scared and worried. I still feel like time is passing sooooo slowly.

Everything is making me feel like I have no control, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

So, I’m devising a plan. I am moving toward changes.

More will be coming soon.

~Angel

Advertisements

keepgoing

“Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news.”

Last week was a rough one. This week isn’t shaping up to be much better.

Thursday I had an appointment with a new specialist about my feet, because I’ve had some excruciating pain making it difficult to walk for a few months now, but I have mostly ignored it and went on with life. Finally, I saw someone for it, and was diagnosed with Morton’s Neuroma, a condition that causes swelling of the tissue in my feet that presses on the nerves and causes horrible pain. So, I was given some injections in my feet to see if they’d help and prevent surgery for as long as possible. My feet have been swollen and sore, more so than usual, since the injections. Unless they miraculously get better in a few days, I’ll safely assume this isn’t going to work.

Now, here is the more stressful part of my week. Wednesday, I called my surgeon’s office, finally fed up with the pain and other symptoms I have been having that seemed, to me at least, like they may be the return of the giant cyst I had removed from my left ovary last December. I called, spoke with a nurse, who also seemed pretty concerned, and she set me up on the phone for the first opening to get an ultrasound and see my doctor again. So the few days I had to wait were nerve-wracking.

Yesterday, I went in for my tests, and then saw my physician. She explained that my ovaries didn’t have any big, problematic cysts as I had suspected. But what, then, could be causing my problems?

This is where I start to zone out. Because the minute she started discussing a diagnostic procedure to see what’s wrong with my uterus, and the big C word slips into the mix, I started to find it hard to focus.

Before anyone panics, it could be a few different possibilities. Yes, I worry it could be cancer or precancerous polyps. Yes, it makes me feel nauseated and weird and disconnected. But I won’t know anything until my procedure, which I am eagerly awaiting my phone call letting me know when it’s scheduled for. So, we will see how this all turns out.

Just wanted to give everyone a quick little update on what’s going on.

~Angel

“Working hard is important, but there’s something that matters even more. Believing in yourself. Think of it this way: Every great wizard in history has started out as nothing more than we are now. Students. If they can do it, why not us?” – Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

hp

My body doesn’t care about what I want to do, or what I need to do. My body is an angry, vengeful creature staging a violent rebellion against me for everything I do. But I continue regardless, because things must be done, whether my body wants them done.
It makes writing difficult. It makes waking up earlier difficult. It makes focusing on projects and having the energy to complete anything difficult. It makes work difficult. It makes everything difficult. But I cope. I deal. I do my best.

I’ve spent so much time lately beating myself up for the days I can’t do the extra stuff. The days I can’t get out of bed. The days I give more to my day job than I get paid for. But being upset with myself makes matters worse. I need to be my own motivator, and instead I’m dragging myself down.

So, I will write. I will draw. I will post about Batman stuff and nerdy adventures.

Despite being horribly sick all week, I’m continuing on with work and trying desperately to find time to write. I hammered out a quick short story to get myself back into gear. It was sloppy and weird, and hummed with the influence of reintroducing horror back into my life as a regular staple.

But now, I need to get to work on more serious projects. I need to accomplish more.

I can do this. I can push though. I can be everything I want and more.

I just have to believe in myself. Why not me?

~Angel

Motivation-Picture-Quote-Later-Never

Failure – it’s a word I’ve been using against myself for a while now. But the last few months, since my aunt died, I’ve been quietly battering myself with the word.

Charlean was more than just my aunt. She treated me like I was one of her grand kids, and spent most of my childhood taking care of me. There’d be times once I was older that we’d have a difference of opinion, but she still loved me all the same. I spent the last few years regularly going over and bringing her books to read from my collection. But the books she wanted to read the most, she never had the chance to.

Mine.

And just a week or so before she died, I was promising I’d have a decent draft to bring by for her to read. I printed my manuscript. I was almost to the day job finish line. I could do it. I could finally let her read something I had written.

Then, I failed.

I was there when she died. I was there when the nurse came to clean the body. I was there when they came to take her away. It started at 3am and felt like it went on for an eternity. It was hard. Ridiculously hard.

Before my mother and I headed home, my uncle told me to go into my aunt’s bedroom and get the books she had borrowed off of her shelf. That’s when it hit me.

When I held those books in my hand and saw the bookmark where she left off, and the books she had yet to finish, it felt like an elephant stepped on my chest. I couldn’t cry again. I couldn’t breathe. Her life had stopped so abruptly, and then the thought finally hit me. I had failed her.

I have tried to reason with myself that I didn’t really fail her. But she always asked to read something of mine, and I always let everything else be more important than getting my writing career off the ground. She believed in me more than I ever have.

The thought still lingers there. It held me up on progress during my time I spent unemployed. I was ashamed of myself, and the words just wouldn’t come when I needed to write. All I could focus on was that word. Failure. I was out of time, so why should I progress?

It’s becoming easier now to confront this feeling. I’ve started writing again. Started edits again on the manuscript I had wanted her to read. I’m working on my projects and trying to balance things out and get my life back together. It still eats at me, but it also drives me.

I count her among those I must live for now.

~Angel

soul is tiredEverything has been pretty miserable lately, as you could tell from my last post. I started to regain my footing, however, when I managed to get a shoot done, and started letting myself focus on the fact that I’m taking Lillie and Dica to Orlando for the very first time next month. I wasn’t living the dream yet by any means, but I was starting to get better.

And then, things got worse. Things happened I wasn’t anticipating would happen. Things that make everything much, much harder than they need to be. So, I won’t deny it – I broke down yesterday. I cried and felt angry with the world and just everything. How could everything be getting worse AFTER leaving the day job? Things were supposed to be better?

Today, I’m done thinking about it all in a negative way. Sure, there are things I cannot change. But there are also things that ARE in my power to change. So, I’ll work hard and focus and do what I need to do to make myself happy. As much as I like to make everyone else happy and do what I’m supposed to, it’s time I take care of myself.

I’ll post an update on how that is working out for me in a few days.

~Angel

life

Nothing rains on your unemployment parade quite like your aunt dying the day you’re laid off. While you’re there. Awake. In the room.

Let’s just say that this whole unemployment thing isn’t turning out like it was supposed to. On top of my aunt dying (which was all around a HORRIBLE thing):

– I’ve had a rheumatology appointment that sucked.

– An ENT appointment that sucked WAY WORSE.

– My body hates me a lot more.

– Endless Unemployment related hoops to jump through, including but not limited to job searches, interviews, and trying to remind my brain to file a weekly claim.

– Nieces and cleaning and favors for family and everything that happens when you’re suddenly the one home all the time so everyone assumes they can dump everything on you to do. Which leads to

– No writing, artwork of any real significance, or photo shoots have been done.

I mean, there was that one day I got to go to see Phantom of the Opera at the Fox in St Louis with my best friend. But that’s the highlight of it all. I’ve just been very, very stuck.

So while I would like this to be a check-in telling you all how everything has been marvelous and I’ve been so busy writing and doing amazing shoots and working on incredible artwork – nope. I’ve been rocking sweatpants and cleaning everything and realizing I have no idea how to do anything anymore.

I’ll have a better update soon. But for now, I need to – you guessed it – go clean.

~Angel

daydreamSo, here it is:

Less than two weeks until I say goodbye to my day job.

Less that two weeks until my health, my friends, and my passions take priority again.

Less than two weeks until I’m writing books, working on photo shoots, doing new artwork.

Less than two weeks until days that I can relax if I don’t feel well and catch up on my DVR.

Less than two weeks until I can take up old hobbies again, like when I used to be an amateur magician. I know that sounds a little weird, but hey – I miss it.

Less than two weeks until I can figure out what I want to do for college.

If you want to summarize all that: Two weeks until I have my life back.

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by
The rules of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap”

Am I scared? Of course I am. Not having steady income is terrifying. But I’m driven by something that scares me even more – giving up on my dreams. I’ve been pushing everything that was important to me to the backburner for far too long, and I was growing comfortable with the idea of settling into a normal life. Not because it was what I wanted, but rather because it was what seemed easier. Maybe everyone is right, I would think. Maybe it’s time to grow up and accept that this dream will stay just that – a dream. And that isn’t like me. That SCARES me. If I want something, I go after it. It’s that simple.

But, I’ve got my manuscript revision finished and ready for Beta Readers and the final round(s) of editing to make it all polished and shiny. I’m booking shoots like you wouldn’t believe: some paying work, some portfolio updates, and some for designers. Not to mention finally getting back to my artwork properly, and having time for my friends again.

It also royally sucks that the coworkers I do like won’t be around every day. I know we can still get together and see each other if we want to, but it’s going to be weird not seeing each other every day like we do now. But I couldn’t stay forever, so this was bound to happen.

But at least, in the world of my art stuff, this happened:

camrenselinakyle

Camren Bicondova, the talented gal that plays a young Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman) in the Fox TV series Gotham, LIKED THIS PHOTO OF HER I DID! I know, in the grand scheme of things, this can’t go on a resume or really much of anything. But HOLY FANGIRL MOMENT, BATMAN! SHE LIKED IT!

 

Anyway, that’s it for now. More soon!

~Angel