Posts Tagged ‘sjogrens’

TylerKnottGregson

I had hoped I could take on 2015 better than I had 2014. But my final two days of 2014 were awful, and carried their awful into 2015. Bad work stuff, my aunt having poor health and being admitted to the hospital, and then my own health plummeting on New Years Eve and ruining my writing date (more on that in a moment), all contributed to one of the worst transitions into the New Year.

New Years Eve health junk was particularly bad. I went from a general not feeling so great, to shaking because I was so cold, to vomiting in the bathroom at work, and then delirious the rest of the night, with my mom and brother trying desperately to either get my fever down or to get me to agree to go to the hospital. Neither worked out, really, since I refused to do anything but burrow beneath a billion blankets and pass out randomly. They finally got me to drink and hold down fluids around midnight (Happy New Year! Drink your Sprite.) I refused to eat for well over 24 hours, and even then I barely ate anything. All I’ve had today is a piece of toast, and I wasn’t too excited about that.

I still feel pretty awful, and everyone is pretty well in agreement that I should see an oncologist (*gulp*), especially with my lymph nodes being crazy, and my liver being gigantic. I don’t drink or anything, so I know that alcohol has nothing to do with my liver. I guess we’ll see what fun health misadventures await me this year.

My sad, ruined New Years writing date with Taylor obviously was shot, as I mentioned, by my sickly meltdown. ‘But what is this writing date?’, you may be wondering. Well, Taylor and I have come up with a story idea. Something I’d like to see turned into a novel. He has a brilliant mind and should honestly write books, be a professor, make movies, and a million other things because he is, in fact, that amazing. But anyway, we had planned to have dinner, watch movies, and rough out some plot and a game plan for this book. I’m hoping I feel well enough to reschedule for this weekend.

Besides, it looks like 2015 is going to be a bumpy road. Maybe all the sudden bad at the end of 2014 was the Universe, yet again, screaming at me to refocus my priorities. I’d like to think that. I can imagine the Universe having a tantrum, yelling: “Alright, I’ve had enough of your shit! You have more important things to be thinking of. More important work to be done. NOW GET TO IT.”

The Universe has given me my ultimatum: Get your shit together, write, and take care of yourself, or die miserable and ignore your purpose. But how this ultimatum was presented is still scary to me. I can’t go into much detail at the moment, but let’s just say it’s 95% likely I will have A LOT of writing time on my hands in the coming months.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I’ll have more things next week I’m sure.

Until then,

Angel

 

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somethingeveryday

With the new year fast approaching, I have some goals in mind to make my life a little better in 2015. Some are simple and seem silly to others, while some seem like I’m aiming for too much in one year. But hey, can’t hurt to try, right? Aim for the moon, land among the stars.

So here are some goals or things I want to work on in the next year:

+ Write more, and accomplish something with said writing. Whether it’s an article, or a novel, I need to move forward.

+ Focus on my health. On improving it, and coping with it.

+ Give more time to my creative outlets, like photography and art. Because those things make me happy, and are good for my soul.

+ Fatten up my savings account. It’s time to move forward, in more ways than one.

+ Read more. Reading makes me happy. It’s a cheap escape from the every day world. And I’m a writer, dammit. Reading is important.

 Of course things like travel are also included in next year, but not so much as goals to accomplish, because I will go somewhere regardless.

So, there you have it, my goals for 2015. While this year started off pretty rough, I won’t let the same happen to 2015. I will conquer. I will seize control of my life. I will take steps in the right direction again.

See you next year!

~Angel

“I think I’ll wait another year,
It’ll be the best year ever.”

If you haven’t listened to Amanda Palmer’s “Another Year”, go do it immediately. This song is on to Top 5 list of the soundtrack of my life, I swear.

tolive

Now, I have done many, many things in my life. I’ve worked in a haunted house, and a Halloween costume/supply store. I’ve left the country. Twice. Swam with dolphins. Also twice. I attended a writing conference in New York with Best Selling authors and agents and other passionate writer people like myself, and even read part of a manuscript out loud to two agents (both of which were interested in reading more) – before I started my senior year of High School. I’ve been to Orlando four times. I’ve been to Boston and Salem. I’ve been to Chicago, New Orleans, and Nashville for cons. I’ve been to James Marsters birthday party. Sean Patrick Flanery has called my boyfriend and made me blush, and just been an all around awesome dude to me. David Della Rocco kissed my cheek. I’ve met amazing actors, artists, comedians, authors, etc. I’ve met Stan Lee. Multiple times. I met Robert Englund and cried. I’ve been to Batman Live!, Wicked, Phantom of the Opera, and a variety of other plays and shows. I’ve had VIP passes and been allowed into areas others have dreamed of. I’ve shot fashion shows, had photos and articles published, and occasionally feel like maybe I’m going in the right direction.

And so, so much more. So many people and places I can’t even list them all.

But, I somehow still want more. I have worked myself to death to feel like I’m somewhere, or doing something, and not wasting my life behind a desk at a day job.

It feels like I have been stuck in a state of Almost Something. I have almost been published. Almost graduated with my degree as an Art major. Almost stepped up to the next level in photography. Almost almost almost. But I don’t won’t to fall short anymore. I want to move from Almost Something into Definitely Something.

So, next year, I will try to do more. I will try to top everything I’ve already done, just because I have the drive to do it. I don’t want to live an average life. It will drive me insane. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished things and lived a life I was proud of by the time I’m dead.

I’m working on a list right now of things to do in 2015. Because while 2014 had some very good things, it also had some horrible things. And I want more good days than bad. I’ll post a finished list closer to New Years Eve, but there are some points I will definitely touch on:

I will do something writing related, whether it’s a published novel, or another article. Even a baby step forward is better than a stand still.

I will work on my photography more. Because I miss it. Because I need it. I will do shoots and get my work out there.

I will do something more with my art. It’s improving, though not quite where it was art. I would love to start selling prints and pieces to people.

Travel. Experiences. Health.

There is no point in wasting time, when there are adventures out there waiting for me. I just need to seize the chances I’m presented with.

~Angel

makenicethingsI could easily admit Sjogren’s Syndrome when I was diagnosed. I was scared, but I could easily say that yes, I have it. And Fibromyalgia didn’t scare or surprise me, mainly just irritates me.
The new specialist I’ve been seeing about my ovaries diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s not something I scream from the rooftop, but I can still admit it.
But I can’t deny the one disease, of all diseases, I have dreaded being told I have. Because Thursday, it snuck up on me, in blood work I never imagined it appearing on. Diabetes.
Mind you, I have not been a diabetic. I have my blood drawn and checked a bizarre amount. I just had it checked right before my dental stuff. But there it was, plain as day, looking back at me. And when the nephrologist that had drawn the labs called me, I hoped he would say it was a fluke. But nope. It’s all mine. A new diagnosis.
And I don’t like it.
I literally fought the diagnosis, denying that it could honestly be happening. But today, I can’t deny it anymore. I started to feel horrible at work, and sure enough, when we checked my blood sugar, it was elevated. Very elevated.
The best guess anyone has as to why I have had normal blood sugars, and now not normal blood sugars, is a combination of horrible genes and my last steroid treatment being such a high dose so many times a day, that it pretty much caused a steroid induced diabetes.
Basically: The medicine to help the rest of me not be sick, woke up another sickness. (Which, I must say, is bullshit. Stupid body.)

But, why am I throwing all this out there? Because I am ashamed. And I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be. I’m posting this because I need love and support to get me through it, and I won’t have any of that if I pretend I don’t have it.

Diabetes is a disease that, in both Type 1 and Type 2, is frequently misconstrued by the media and society in general as something to be embarrassed of. People suddenly think it gives them a license to be an asshole to you, because you obviously “did it to yourself.”

Diabetes is an autoimmune disease. So, why don’t I want to treat it like Sjogren’s, where I can just as easily say that I have Diabetes as I do with Sjogrens?

I don’t want to perpetuate this idea that I need to be ashamed.

And I am going to fight like hell to turn this mess around, not so people don’t judge me: but so that I can live this fabulous, adventurous life I have dreamed of.

 

~Angel

I was overjoyed most of this week because of good news. It was finally looking like things could actually be okay, and I could move forward with my life and get out of the rut I’ve been in. Until yesterday.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today hasn’t been too swell, either. A lot of it has to do with health reasons. Bad tests. Bad news. News I don’t need.
The worst part of it all is that I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, I finally had a direction to go. And then I hit a wall just as I started. And I’m staring at it, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I can do. It terrifies me.
Last night it left me so lost and scared, I didn’t know if I could function.
Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was done. Done with everything. Because I took one step forward, and it launched me three steps back. Suddenly, the things I wanted to do, the things I had set my heart on, seemed like they weren’t worth it. And yet, they seemed to also be the most important things in the world.

I considered buying a one-way ticket anywhere but here.

I considered things much, much more permanent. Because I am scared, and I am human, and I am overwhelmed.

But instead of giving up, instead of running, I’ve decided I just need to work harder, and save up faster, and just use this all as fuel to get me somewhere I need to be. Whether my health gets better or worse, I need to continue forward.

It is time to change my stars.

Motivation-Picture-Quote-Later-Never

I’ve decided:

+ I’m paying off my medical debt ASAP when my check comes in.

+ I’m going to save up for a new car, if I can’t fix mine.

+ I’m saving up for England, and going in the next few years, even if I have to go alone.

+ I’m quitting NaNoWriMo to focus on the project I had been working on, because I want it ready to go by February to agents.

+ I’m going to begin selling my artwork, and taking it more seriously.

+ I’m going to take my health back. My life back.

+ I’m going to break away from all the negatives in my life, and start fresh. New home. New work. New life. No more toxic people slowly killing me.

 

So I will work harder to earn more. I will write, make artwork, sell Scentsy, do photo shoots, sell my own stuff, save birthday/Christmas/bonus money.

I will not be dust. I will burn up in a brilliant blaze and be ashes.

I am not done yet. There is so much more I have to offer the world, and myself.

 

~Angel

dancinggroot

The Universe is rewarding me for giving Sunday to myself and my passions, I think. Because since Sunday, good things have been happening:

+ I made a significant improvement health wise from where I was post-procedure.
+ Kicking my NaNoWriMo project in the teeth and getting that sucker DONE.
+ Found a way of making serious headway in my medical bill mess, so I will not longer be The Walking Debt. Well, IF it works out. That’s still up in the air. So cross all things that are capable of safely being crossed.
+ The Jessica Lange cover of “Gods and Monsters” (On American Horror Story: Freak Show) is available on iTunes, and I bought it, and it pleases me greatly. I know that’s a random thing, but hey – gotta appreciate the little stuff.
+ I have a shoot Sunday if all goes as planned.
+ There is a light at the end of the tunnel for something that has been a nightmare for two years now.
+ I feel like I’m making some improvements in my art, and I’m hoping to take some steps forward with that soon.
+ I have adventures to look forward to next year. Plus little get together things with friends the rest of this year.

 

And what may be the best of it all, is that I am learning to redirect negative thoughts as soon as they enter my head. For example: If someone is making my life miserable, and I start to let it get to me, I remind myself that there are billions of other people in this world, and that it is absolutely ridiculous to let one person ruin my day. I take a deep breath and push the thoughts aside, and focus on one of the many good things I have going on. No one is going to take the good going on right now away from me.

~Angel

“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.” ~ Dr. Dale E. Turnerwherewasi1 wherewasi2

 

Those of you that keep up with me in real life, and those that read my health update post, know that I have not been well. After my previous post, I ended up getting even worse, and was out of work most of last week thanks to it. It seems in combination with a rough wisdom teeth extraction, I also developed an infection, which sent my body into a horrible flare mode. Long story short: I was miserable.

I was out of work longer than I had anticipated I would be over this, and most of the time I couldn’t function enough to watch a movie or catch up on my DVR shows. But I started getting frustrated with being sick and useless, so I did what I have done many times before when I’m sick: I started drawing.

At first, I barely managed some terrible little demented sketches. But I kept at it during the periods of time that I felt like I could function, and it distracted me just enough from how terrible I felt. This is how I coped up until Halloween.

Friday, when I woke up, I started crying. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I’d planned for months to dress up for work, and see my boyfriend that night, and go see Horns in theaters if possible – and if not, they had it available On Demand, so I could watch it that way. But of course, Friday I was still in terrible shape, so: No work, No costume, No going out with the boyfriend. I did watch Horns via On Demand, but that didn’t change how bummed missing my favorite Holiday made me. So, I watched horror movies on the couch all day and rested.

But by Friday night, I was down again. Seeing all my friends posting their Halloween costumes, going out, doing stuff other than being sickly… just made the depression from being sick that much worse. And it’s hard to make your body feel better when the rest of you isn’t up to the task.

Then, I saw someone on my friends list post their costume makeup, and I thought “Hey, I’d like to draw that.” Not just a rough, crappy sketch for practice. I wanted to actually make a piece of art off of what they looked like. So, I grabbed some paper and pencils and set to work. Once I had the basic sketch down, I grabbed my colored pencils and started on the colors. I didn’t finish it that night, because I felt awful, but I was proud of what I had accomplished of it.

Saturday is a blur to me. I know I woke up feeling even worse, and spent a lot of my time trying to rest. I was bummed that my brain fog was at a max level of suck, because it was Day One of NaNoWriMo. So zero words were accomplished.

Now, by Sunday, I was frustrated with myself. I wanted to feel better, not just for NaNoWriMo, but because I was tired of being a slave to my sickness. So I made a plan: I would pace myself, and take the whole day to do it, but I would 1.) work on something photography related, even if I just edited one of the many photos I’m behind on, 2.) work on the piece I started on Halloween, and 3.) I would start on my NaNoWriMo project, even if I only typed 50 words. Getting 50 words into the project was a hell of a lot better than having nothing.

There were naps involved, and I really did only edit one of the photos I’m behind on. But I managed to get quite a bit of progress made on my art, as well as nearly 3,000 words into my NaNoWriMo project. And the best part of it? I was proud of myself at the end of the day. Despite the horrible way I felt, I accomplished something I set out to, even though it took all day.

But it didn’t stop there: Today, I feel SO MUCH better than I have. I’m still not functioning at 100%, and I don’t feel well at all. But compared to how I have felt for nearly two weeks now? Major improvement.

Was it the boost in my spirit? Or just the illness calming down from running it’s course with this flare up? Who knows, for sure. But I would like to credit it to doing the things  I love most.

Here’s to what I hope is a very successful November!

~Angel