Posts Tagged ‘self’

I’ve seen cocaine bring out the demons inside

Cheatin’ and lyin’
Friendship cease, no peace in the mind
Stealin’ and takin’ anything to fix the pieces inside
Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere
Only motivation for what the dealer’s supplying
That rush, that drug, that dope
Those pills, that crumb, that roach
Thinkin’ I would never do that, not that drug
And growing up nobody ever does
Until your stuck, lookin’ in the mirror like I can’t believe what I’ve become
Swore I was goin’ to be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come.”

Β 

Little by little every single day, I start to see something in myself – something beyond all the random little bullshit people spit out about what they believe or don’t, something beyond our surface choices and everything else. That core of my being, that girl that I honestly am beyond all other things. It’s take years to gather so much about this part of me, this honest and real me. I’m discovering her, piece by piece, fragments at a time. Now, it’s slowly forming something real. Something I can understand. I’m forming this strong, powerful girl that craves adventure and something more out of this life. But more than that.. This is a girl I can be proud of and love. And after years of self hatred, this is something very big to me.

You see, I’ve always been that kid that’s like “No way, not me. I’m NEVER going to be like that.” when it comes to drugs/smoking/drinking/partying/etc. I roll my eyes at the idiots that spew “YOLO” like it’s some justification for being an asshole and ruining your own life. The problem is, you really DO only live once. That plagues me. This is IT. This is my one shot at this. I don’t have forever. And really, with the insecurity that the Mysterious Sickness of Doom leaves me to contend with, I’m not exactly sure just how long I have to go. But what I do know is that I’ve watched so many people I love throw their lives down the drain for petty shit. And for some reason, I’ve been blessed with the ability to say no. Even the moments of weakness that made me give in weren’t enough to keep me. I’m clean. I’m sober. And nowadays, it feels like a damn miracle to be one of those people.

We live on the cusp of death thinking that it won’t be us.

The point is, I’ve been called a great many unpleasant things for the fact I’m against substance use. People don’t like you butting in and trying to make them stop when they’re on a war path with themselves. I get it. But nobody really gets why I feel like this, even the people that have seen some of my personal demons come to life, the people that SHOULD understand why I can’t be comfortable. It started to hurt after a while to be that “judgemental” friend. It still does. Because I’m not trying to judge. I’m trying to protect.

Now I’m seeing something different in myself. I see it when I take a glance at the girl that I’m uncovering. I’m seeing a girl that is strong: strong enough to survive hell, strong enough to not give in or give up. I’m seeing a girl that can overcome and, maybe, help drag a few people back out of hell with me. Instead of being so hurt because people want to tell me I’m straightedge and a buzz kill and blah blah… I’d like to be an example of a life that doesn’t need that shit. I don’t need some fake happiness. There are beautiful moments in this world that I want to remember clearly. I don’t have time to become another failed dreamer.

And I’ll be damned if I let someone else drag me down just because they wish they could have the will to hold out.

I’m not straightedge. I’m not a buzz kill. I’m not that judgemental friend.

I’m free of the chains that bind everyone else around here.

~Angel

I’m an incredibly confusing person to know, let’s just throw that out there now. I’m a mess of contradiction and chaos and I do what I can to tame it but really, it’s no good most of the time. For example, even though I’m an introvert and quite fond of my alone time, I am quite paralyzed by my autophobia. For those of you that may believe I’m afraid of cars, you are incorrect. You see, autophobia is the fear of being alone. Here’s a copy paste definition:

Autophobia is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated.Sufferers need not be physically alone, but believe that they are being ignored, unloved, threatened by intruders, and so on. Autophobia is also used in its literal context to mean an irrational fear of oneself. It is sometimes associated with self-hatred. Autophobia may be a symptom of other psychological disorders or it may predispose a person to developing other psychological disorders.

Mainly, I am consumed with a dread that I will lose everyone that I care about – I have super abandonment issues, I guess you could say. But I also very much have the literal context: I am afraid of myself. I’m my own worst enemy, to put it very simply. My mind and I do not always agree, and sometimes it’s like I can’t shut my brain up long enough for reason to come through. This is where my very rarely mentioned addiction to cutting became so prominent in my life. I was mislead to believe it a means of control, but really I realize now that hurting myself only lets the other thing win. It has been a long battle, but I’ve been recovering.

Annnnyway, on to the main point of this babble: I’ve had a shit Thanksgiving break for a variety of reasons. The one big positive has been my marathon of InuYasha I’ve been having with myself. I’ve loved this show for years, and it really makes me happy to watch just because it sort of takes me back to a much more simple time in my life. It reminds of of my friends I’ve lost and friends I still have. Good times, etc.

One of my favorite episodes is “The Truth Behind The Nightmare: Battle in the Forest of Sorrows” (of course it has to be the one with the huge friggin’ name.)

Now, I wasn’t really sure what it was about this episode that I adored the first time I watched it. I just knew there was something about one of the lines that haunted me, about how InuYasha’s deepest fear was to be alone, and that the only true way to free himself from it was to die. His companions are all trapped and dying within these nightmares, and he’s desperate to pull them out. Toward the end he realizes he cannot free them himself, he can only encourage them to save themselves.

Watching this episode nowadays, now that I understand things a little better, I realize just how much I identify with InuYasha, especially in this particular episode. He’s the courage of the group, the cocky, brave, strong “I don’t need anybody” sort. A lot of people see me as ‘the strong one’. Even I know how strong I actually am, which is why I have the reminder tattooed on my right wrist. But being this person has good and bad effects. I want to save everyone else. I want so badly to keep my friends from making the mistakes that have nearly destroyed myself and those around me. Sometimes people don’t want to be protected. Sometimes people want to make their own mistakes. That’s their choice, and I need to learn to accept that. I’m trapped in my own nightmare, watching everyone I love fight their own battles, and I am powerless to do anything more than offer my encouragement and stand by their side.

The truth behind the nightmare is that I do not want to be alone. I do not want to lose those I love because they help me keep the courage I need to fight on every single day. Without them, I’m a wounded creature. The fight in the dog will fade.

So, my next post will be back tracking to the most recent holiday: what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

~Angel