Posts Tagged ‘love’

I’m an incredibly confusing person to know, let’s just throw that out there now. I’m a mess of contradiction and chaos and I do what I can to tame it but really, it’s no good most of the time. For example, even though I’m an introvert and quite fond of my alone time, I am quite paralyzed by my autophobia. For those of you that may believe I’m afraid of cars, you are incorrect. You see, autophobia is the fear of being alone. Here’s a copy paste definition:

Autophobia is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated.Sufferers need not be physically alone, but believe that they are being ignored, unloved, threatened by intruders, and so on. Autophobia is also used in its literal context to mean an irrational fear of oneself. It is sometimes associated with self-hatred. Autophobia may be a symptom of other psychological disorders or it may predispose a person to developing other psychological disorders.

Mainly, I am consumed with a dread that I will lose everyone that I care about – I have super abandonment issues, I guess you could say. But I also very much have the literal context: I am afraid of myself. I’m my own worst enemy, to put it very simply. My mind and I do not always agree, and sometimes it’s like I can’t shut my brain up long enough for reason to come through. This is where my very rarely mentioned addiction to cutting became so prominent in my life. I was mislead to believe it a means of control, but really I realize now that hurting myself only lets the other thing win. It has been a long battle, but I’ve been recovering.

Annnnyway, on to the main point of this babble: I’ve had a shit Thanksgiving break for a variety of reasons. The one big positive has been my marathon of InuYasha I’ve been having with myself. I’ve loved this show for years, and it really makes me happy to watch just because it sort of takes me back to a much more simple time in my life. It reminds of of my friends I’ve lost and friends I still have. Good times, etc.

One of my favorite episodes is “The Truth Behind The Nightmare: Battle in the Forest of Sorrows” (of course it has to be the one with the huge friggin’ name.)

Now, I wasn’t really sure what it was about this episode that I adored the first time I watched it. I just knew there was something about one of the lines that haunted me, about how InuYasha’s deepest fear was to be alone, and that the only true way to free himself from it was to die. His companions are all trapped and dying within these nightmares, and he’s desperate to pull them out. Toward the end he realizes he cannot free them himself, he can only encourage them to save themselves.

Watching this episode nowadays, now that I understand things a little better, I realize just how much I identify with InuYasha, especially in this particular episode. He’s the courage of the group, the cocky, brave, strong “I don’t need anybody” sort. A lot of people see me as ‘the strong one’. Even I know how strong I actually am, which is why I have the reminder tattooed on my right wrist. But being this person has good and bad effects. I want to save everyone else. I want so badly to keep my friends from making the mistakes that have nearly destroyed myself and those around me. Sometimes people don’t want to be protected. Sometimes people want to make their own mistakes. That’s their choice, and I need to learn to accept that. I’m trapped in my own nightmare, watching everyone I love fight their own battles, and I am powerless to do anything more than offer my encouragement and stand by their side.

The truth behind the nightmare is that I do not want to be alone. I do not want to lose those I love because they help me keep the courage I need to fight on every single day. Without them, I’m a wounded creature. The fight in the dog will fade.

So, my next post will be back tracking to the most recent holiday: what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

~Angel

One of the lines from The Avengers that really struck me was the quote from Black Widow:

“I’ve got red on my ledger; I’d like to wipe it out.”

It’s sort of a quiet motto to how I live my life. Granted, I haven’t committed the same sort of acts that she has, but I have red in my ledger (so to speak) all the same. There are some things in my life that are going to haunt me forever, and all I can really to is try to make up for them with everything else I do. A better way to explain it maybe is how Katniss view “owing” people in the Hunger Games books – that if someone does something for you, you owe them, even if they want nothing in return. You still feel like you OWE them.

I guess some of mine comes from when my best friend, Eric, died two months before my 15th birthday. The 7 year anniversary (terrible word for it, isn’t it?) is coming up in almost exactly a month, so it’s haunting me as it is. Life seems to drain from you when a death hangs onto you like that – I’m alive, he isn’t. I’m alive, seeing movies and having birthdays and falling in love and all that…  But there’s other reasons, too.

Anyway:

Heading out for Orlando at 5am in the morning. I shall post as I can, lovelies.

~Angel

“The Graveyard Near The House”

by The Airborne Toxic Event

The other day when we were walking by the graveyard near the house you asked me if I thought
Would ever die. And if life and love both fade so predictably, we’ve made ourselves a kind of predictable lie.
So I pictured us like corpses lying side by side in pieces in some dark and lonely plot under a bough. We looked so silly
There all decomposed, half turned to dust in tattered clothes, though we probably look just as silly now.

Bye, bye, bye, all this dog-eared innocence. I can’t pretend that I can tell you what is going to happen next or how to be.
But you have no idea about me. Do you?

It left me to wonder if people ever know each other or just stumble around like strangers in the dark. Because sometimes
You seem so strange to me, I must seem strange to you. We’re like two actors playing two parts. Did you memorize your lines? ‘Cause
I did. Here’s the part where I get so mad. I tell you that I can’t forget the past. You get so quiet now
And you seem somehow like a lost and lonely child and you just hope that the moment won’t last.

Bye, bye, bye all this dogged innocence. I can’t pretend that I can tell you what is going to happen next or how to be.
But you have no idea about me. Do you?

Still, there’s always a way around. There’s something tying our feet to the ground.
A moment passed, we hear how it sounds. And it seems a little less profound, like we’re all
Going the same way down.

I’m just trying to write it all down.

I write songs, and you write letters. We are tied like two in tethers, and we talk and read and laugh and sleep at night in
Bed together. And you wake in tears sometimes, I can see the thoughts flash across your eyes.
They say, “Darling will you be kind? Will you be a good man and stay behind if I get old?”

Then the letters all flash through my head, with the words that I was told about the fading flesh of life and love,
The failures of the bold. I can list each crippling fear like I’m reading from a will.

And I’ll defy every one and love you still. I will carry you with me up every hill. And if you die before I die,
I’ll carve your name out of the sky. I’ll fall asleep with your memory and dream of where you lie.

It may be better to move on and to let life just carry on and I may be wrong. Still I’ll try.

Because it’s better to love whether you win or lose or die. It’s better to love and I will love you until I die.

 

This song has been reaching out to me lately, and I can’t completely understand why I feel like it’d be on the soundtrack to my life. But still, it’s one of those songs I’m sure would be listed. After my walk through the cemetery the other day, the peace it brought, and some of the stress lately.. Yeah. This fits.

 

~Angel

One of my favorite songs by a band I adore (I could listen to the CD this song is from again and again.) Thought I’d share. =)