Posts Tagged ‘life’

In the Face of Hopelessness

Posted: February 11, 2016 by Angel Young in Life, Writing
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“In the face of such hopelessness as our eventual, unavoidable death, there is little sense in not at least trying to accomplish all of your wildest dreams in life.” – Kevin Smith, Tough Sh*t: Life Advice From a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good.

kevinsmith

All week, I’ve devoted time when I get home to writing. I had a migraine, and still made myself power through outlining three chapters. The next night, after finishing my taxes, despite having another migraine, I started writing a few pages of a chapter. Not the word counts I need to have if I want to do this for a living, I know. But the point is that I’m making a routine for myself again, despite what my body wants me to do.

Why have I been so determined, even when I have been in rough shape the last several weeks?

I have been wanting to read Kevin Smith’s memoir for a little while now, and after meeting him in Reno, it’s become a mission I have been set on. Finally, I got my (signed) copy and dove right in. That’s where I found the quote above. And it hit me. I met him during a very bad disease flare. I finally got his book, and was reading this quote, during ANOTHER bad disease flare. It resonated with me. The more I thought on it, the more I read it, the more it became something I felt I needed to read.

It isn’t as though I haven’t had similar bursts of motivation, or even inspiration based on a similar concept. But it’s the fact that someone I admired so much, that brought so much happiness when I was so miserable, had written this quote, and I had read it while yet again miserable…

It sparked the motivation I needed.

I will die. Everyone does. And what scares me more than the idea of dying, is feeling like I’ve wasted life and talent and drive. I can BE the person I want to be. I just have to DO IT.

So I’ve been writing, and keeping up with Wandering NerdGirl, and trying revive Hail to the Geek, Baby (which I haven’t had time to post on in FOREVER), and rebuilding my photography portfolio to take it in a direction I’d like it to be in. I’m working on cutting out soda again (UGH) and eating healthier options so my body is treated better. I’ve been working on myself and working at my dreams. And it feels pretty damn good.

Speaking of taking pictures for my portfolio…:

Some pictures my best friend, Brittaney, and I took the weekend before.

So, yeah. I’m doing things. And stuff. And trying to get somewhere again. Because I’m tired of talking about things and not doing enough of them. Health and depression can back off. It’s time for me to everything I can, while I can.

~Angel

Wither

Posted: January 19, 2016 by Angel Young in Life, Life With Sjogrens, Writing
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bowie

“I know I’ll wither, so peel away the bark
Because nothing grows when it is dark
In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear”

So within a week, I’ve had some health ups and downs.

Last Monday, I had my follow up for my biopsy. Good news! It showed no cancer! I have other issues to tackle with why I had to have the biopsy, but at least cancer is currently off the table.

This Monday, I found out I have Trigeminal Neuralgia.

I had a very BAD end of last week, and then HORRIBLE weekend, and by Monday I knew I needed to see my doctor. I wasn’t sleeping (and am still not sleeping) because of how intense the pain is. To give you an idea of the pain levels: this disease is nicknamed the Suicide Disease, because people would kill themselves from the pain before anyone figured out what to do to treat this pain. It was hard to describe, but I read where someone described it as a combination of the worst migraine of your life and the worst toothache. I can agree and elaborate on this: The misery of the worst migraine, the insanity you feel with the worst toothache, and the feeling of someone using a hammer to break your jaw. That. That sounds like an adequate description.

I’ve built up a decent pain tolerance over the years, somehow. And this shatters that tolerance and leaves me curled up and miserable.

And, you guessed it – this is a manifestation of my disease. Sjogren’s decided to welcome more unpleasantness into my life.

But here’s the thing… Obviously, it hurts and it sucks. Yet, what seems to be bothering me even more, is that this is disease progression. This is me still not having anything under control. And it’s just a reminder of what my doctors have said:

There is nothing we can do to stop the progression.

You’re a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.

I’ve had to explain to everyone in my life time and time again that I’ve been wanting to travel and do so much these past few years, because I want to do it while I can. There may come a day that I can’t handle my go-go-go travel style. What’s worse now, though, is that this day may be coming a lot sooner than I anticipated. My last three trips, I’ve had something come up health wise. Obviously, Reno was the worst. This all scares me.

I know my disease is still young and still evolving, but it’s so strong so early on. I can’t imagine what full-force will be like.

It’ll be a fun follow-up with my Rheumatologist, I’m sure.

But, I won’t let this stop me. I have plans, and goals, and dreams. Despite the brain fog, I will write. Despite the pain, I will progress. Despite exhaustion, I will travel. Until it is absolutely impossible, I will continue. Even though it feels like I am withering, I won’t give up. It isn’t in my nature.

Hopefully soon I’ll have more updates that don’t involve my body being stupid.

Hopefully.

~Angel

Chase the Light

Posted: January 7, 2016 by Angel Young in Life, Writing
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light

I’m not a single bit surprised that 2016 is off to a rough start. It’s almost a tradition at this point: go into it hopeful, get knocked down so fast my head spins. Because by “rough start”, I mean that it has been made very clear to me that this coming year will make or break me. And I refuse to let it break me, no matter how hard everything is trying to. All good news fades. All steps forward seem like they haven’t mattered. I am no closer to anything than I was before. If anything, I’ve fallen back several steps.

But, I push forward:

+ I’m working hard at my Wandering NerdGirl blog, in hopes that my nerdy adventures can be more productive. Cons, Orlando, other nerd-tastic events… I’m on it.

+ I’m writing again, period. I was so down and depressed Tuesday, reading about the market and what agents and publishers don’t want right now, blah blah. I’m a very critical person on myself, so of course I instantly decide everything I write is garbage and I should give up. But for some reason, one of my favorite story ideas popped into my brain, and I had a lot of interesting new ideas for it. Since it hasn’t actually been written yet, it will be a good exercise in writing again. I’ve spent so long in editing and rewriting hell, I haven’t had much time or opportunity for new creation. I’ve mostly been jotting notes down and what not, or writing a few specific scenes that some to mind. But as soon as I get my thoughts together, I’m running with it. I’ll hammer out my first draft, as intimidating as that feels right now. I won’t lose my dream. I’m going to write this book for me, and see where that takes me.

+ I have been drawing. Well, the last day or two I haven’t been. But I will excuse that because I have started a huge, new painting of Poe Dameron’s helmet from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It’s all pretty exciting, considering I was very close to just getting rid of a lot of my art stuff to save space.

+ I have my eyes on new projects. Bigger projects. More projects. I have plans to go beyond what I have done and make something new all the time. New shoots, new types of projects, new ideas. It’s all very vague to you guys right now because I’m not jumping in with both feet just yet, so there isn’t much information to share. Just cross your fingers that I make the time to pull it all off.

+ My collection is growing. My collection is a tiny beast, but it is my tiny beast. I know I’ve been slacking on the Collection Haul posts, and if you’d like to see them again, I could start back up this month or in February. There have been quite a few additions. And as stupid or trivial or whatever it sounds, one of my goals for the year is to really build my collection up. I take great pride in my Batman stuff. Someday I’ll have a massive assortment of various Batman items properly displayed.  For now, it steadily grows.

+ I’ve been trying to figure out how to get back to college, and exactly what I want to do when I get back. I was going to start again Fall 2015 but my financial aid decided to be complicated. So maybe Fall 2016 or Spring 2017. Who knows. Going back genuinely frightens me at this point. But I would still like to try.

 

So, you have a basic rundown of my game plan for the year. Obviously, subject to change. But hopefully, this year I rise from the ashes and become closer to where I was before.

 

~Angel

Bring on 2016

Posted: December 31, 2015 by Angel Young in Life, Nerd Pride, Writing
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I have been very, very cautious when it comes to thinking about what I want out of 2016, because last year as soon as I set my goals for the coming year, it all came crashing down around me: I was losing my job, my aunt was very sick, and then to top it all off, the stress triggered a bad flare in my body and I literally spent New Years in the bathroom vomiting and running a fever. The beginning of 2015 was a hard one. I didn’t feel like I achieved anything. I was uninspired and stuck most of the time, and I hated it. And considering how rough the last month or so has been health wise, 2016 could go either way.

Here we are, the end of a very chaotic year, and I have found something: I want to draw again. And by “I want to draw again” – I mean that I AM drawing again. Instead of just whining that I feel the need to work on some art, I AM. I’m sketching and prepping for some new paintings and practicing to get myself back into the swing of things. And for once, I feel good about it. They’re good drawings, considering how out of practice I am. And people LIKE them. They want the sketches to keep coming. It’s bizarre, to me at least. Mostly, so far, it’s been a lot of character sketches from Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

No: This is NOT my art.

No: This is NOT my art.

So, bring on 2016.

I will write as much as I possibly can.

I will work on my art purely for the happiness it brings to my own heart.

I will work on my collection and appreciate everything I have so far.

I will try to keep this train wreck body from completely derailing.

I will help the world be a better place.

I will not, most of all, let 2016 be the year I am defeated. Not by myself or anyone else. I will keep going. I will gain new ground.

So, let’s do this. Bring on 2016.

~Angel

Transfiguration

Posted: November 18, 2015 by Angel Young in Life
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be soft

Yesterday was bad. Yesterday was overwhelming, and scary, and I’m not sure how I made it out with my sanity. But, nothing of real note happened yesterday. No particular thing set off two very bad panic attacks. Instead, a build up of frustration and stress and the immense feeling of being absolutely powerless all melded together to leave me shaken.

I am a strong person, but I cannot always hold my head above the water. Sometimes, it’s all too much. Sometimes, I start drowning.

But I am also determined to survive, despite everything else. I have come too far to let myself fall apart now.

 

Between health, and life, and the world, and trying to find a balance between who I am now, and who I want to be, I am not coping well. Things don’t work out as we plan, and I completely understand this reality. But it doesn’t mean I have to accept that this is it. I’m torn between settling down and chasing my dreams with reckless abandon. It’s hard to do both at the same time unless you’ve already reached some success. And, unfortunately for me, I am not nearly as close to success as I used to be.

I worry for the world. I worry about people being absolute assholes to each other. I try to make a difference, but I can’t do it alone. You can read more on my post Give the World Your Best – because it’s pointless for me to go into the same details all over again for everyone that’s already read it.

I have three weeks until my procedure, and it’s making me a nervous wreck.

Yet, I have so much to make me feel better and distract myself so I don’t have to deal with anymore negative energy. The week after my procedure, I’m going to see Wicked at the Fox, and going to the Fox is one of my faaavorite things. This weekend, I’m going to Reno for a con. Next week is Thanksgiving so I’ll have some much needed down time from work. I’m sure there’s more I’m not thinking of. But I’m still scared and worried. I still feel like time is passing sooooo slowly.

Everything is making me feel like I have no control, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

So, I’m devising a plan. I am moving toward changes.

More will be coming soon.

~Angel

Return to Worry

Posted: November 10, 2015 by Angel Young in Life
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keepgoing

“Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news.”

Last week was a rough one. This week isn’t shaping up to be much better.

Thursday I had an appointment with a new specialist about my feet, because I’ve had some excruciating pain making it difficult to walk for a few months now, but I have mostly ignored it and went on with life. Finally, I saw someone for it, and was diagnosed with Morton’s Neuroma, a condition that causes swelling of the tissue in my feet that presses on the nerves and causes horrible pain. So, I was given some injections in my feet to see if they’d help and prevent surgery for as long as possible. My feet have been swollen and sore, more so than usual, since the injections. Unless they miraculously get better in a few days, I’ll safely assume this isn’t going to work.

Now, here is the more stressful part of my week. Wednesday, I called my surgeon’s office, finally fed up with the pain and other symptoms I have been having that seemed, to me at least, like they may be the return of the giant cyst I had removed from my left ovary last December. I called, spoke with a nurse, who also seemed pretty concerned, and she set me up on the phone for the first opening to get an ultrasound and see my doctor again. So the few days I had to wait were nerve-wracking.

Yesterday, I went in for my tests, and then saw my physician. She explained that my ovaries didn’t have any big, problematic cysts as I had suspected. But what, then, could be causing my problems?

This is where I start to zone out. Because the minute she started discussing a diagnostic procedure to see what’s wrong with my uterus, and the big C word slips into the mix, I started to find it hard to focus.

Before anyone panics, it could be a few different possibilities. Yes, I worry it could be cancer or precancerous polyps. Yes, it makes me feel nauseated and weird and disconnected. But I won’t know anything until my procedure, which I am eagerly awaiting my phone call letting me know when it’s scheduled for. So, we will see how this all turns out.

Just wanted to give everyone a quick little update on what’s going on.

~Angel

Stressed Out

Posted: October 20, 2015 by Angel Young in Life, Travel, Writing
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We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “wake up, you need to make money.”

Whenever I travel and find myself inspired on my journey, it does two things. Obviously, one thing it does is strike me with a desire to create and work harder. But an unfortunate counter to that inspiration, is a terrible reminder in the back of my mind, gnawing at me despite how desperately I try to block it out, that I am not where I want to be in life, and that in itself can kill the positive aspects of travel.

This is my post-travel depression. Every time I come home, I don’t feel at home. I feel lost. It’s like I come back to normal life, and I don’t remember who I am. I lose the connection I had to my happiest self, and during this disconnection, I return to the girl I have to be. The girl putting everyone and everything else first.

Granted, I have continued working on this problem, as promised. This has helped my stress not be as stressful. But I’m still a little off.

But, I have to continue forward. I’m still giving myself the freedom to love what I love. To enjoy the things that spark my creativity and make me want to do more. It’s been interesting seeing how helpful reintegrating horror back in as a regular staple has been. By the time I got to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal last Friday, I was ready to take in everything around me and not only enjoy it for what it was, but to use it as a source of inspiration. I felt excited and happy and ready to create.

Now I’m back to real life, and I’m trying to hold on to the motivation. I started doodling and sketching last night. I want to write when I get a chance. I’m trying to work on ideas for some different projects. I’ve been planning out posts for Wandering NerdGirl based off of my trip. I can do this. I know I can. I can work hard and get somewhere.

dontgiveup

Let’s see what I can do now, shall we?

~Angel

Batman: Birthday and Con Haul

Posted: September 11, 2015 by Angel Young in Batman Collection, Nerd Pride, Travel
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I’ve decided to do an initial post of my Batman Collection haul idea, starting with the things I received for my birthday and what I picked up at con. If you like this post, let me know! I plan to follow up with a collection haul post for the month of September as well. Here we go!

con1

My VIP badge for Wizard World Chicago. Ben McKenzie, who plays Detective James Gordon in the Fox TV show “Gotham”

con2

Autograph from Ben McKenzie. I also have a photo of myself with him, as well as a dual photo of myself with him and Sean Pertwee, but I don’t have a good picture of that picture, so I’ll save it for my Wandering NerdGirl blog haha.

Speaking of Sean Pertwee..

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Seriously one of the coolest actors I’ve met. I love him in so much more, but obviously I needed a photo of him as Alfred – or “00-Alfred”, as he signed it.

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Picked up the DC Collectibles replica Detective badge of James Gordon from Gotham. I wanted it anyway, seemed fitting to get it on the trip.

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Another Batman related actor I had the pleasure of meeting was Adrienne Barbeau. Again, someone I loved for so much more, but HAD TO get her autograph on something Catwoman, since she voiced her in the Animated Series.

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I picked up this gorgeous Poison Ivy print from artist Greg Horn at con. Absolutely loved it and his art in general.

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I bought this Batman cover replica print and had Neal Adams sign it for me – something I’ve wanted to do for so long!

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I first heard about Travis Langley in the documentary “Legends of the Knight”, and I’ve wanted his book, “Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight”, for a while. I love Batman, I love Psychology, and I love this book so far!

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Batman Returns Catwoman Kenner figure I’ve wanted for some time.

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Final con related pick up – this Bleacher Creature Harley Quinn plush I’ve been wanting for a while.

Alright, now that we have that hurdle out of the way, let’s show a few of my beloved birthday gifts!

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These were from my mom, and I technically had them for a little while before my birthday, but still. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl from the 60’s Batman television show.

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Assorted goodies from my best friend.

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Badass Harley Quinn and Batman umbrella from my brother.

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Harley Quinn goodies from my lovely Skylar, all the way in Washington right now

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Finally, my beloved Harley Quinn Mopeez plush, a gift from my office manager. I ADORE HER SO MUCH. LOOK AT THAT CUTE LITTLE FACE! Ugh. Adorable.

Well, there you have it! What did you think? Any details you’d like added? Want to see more posts like this? Let me know in the comments!

~Angel

Writing and Horror and Batman (OH MY!)

Posted: September 9, 2015 by Angel Young in Life, Writing
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writing

Sometimes, when I’m working on a single project, I can focus solely on that one project and block out every other idea bouncing about in my head. Lately, however, I’ve been lacking the focus to get everything done I need to with one project from start to finish, because I get distracted by new ideas, and then my brain cannot focus on the project at hand.

That’s where I’m at right now. I need to focus on revision edits and things, buuuuuuut this idea keeps popping into my head. So, I decided to give in and let it have some of my attention, hoping that if I could appease it by writing down my ideas, it would settle down. Nope. Ideas abundant.

But, hey – who am I to complain? Writing is writing. At this point, any writing I can get done is good. Even if it isn’t a priority project.

I’m slowly but surely making myself a main focus, as selfish as that sounds. I spend so much time devoted to work or family or friends, that I don’t save time for Angel. Not that work/friends/family shouldn’t be counted as important. But a girl has to have her time to herself, you know? My projects, my relaxing time, my time to do whatever I need or want. Sometimes I just want to watch a movie by myself while I clean my room. Most of the time I’m around other people. I’m an introvert – I need recharge time, away from people.

Not just that, though – I need to give my health priority over everything else. I need a healthier lifestyle, but the more stressed I get, the more I crave comfort foods and soda. That’s not what my body needs, and I need to focus on that more.

Something big, though it sounds odd to say, that I’ve been reintegrating back into my regular life is horror. I used to watch horror movies all the time. I read horror. I was obsessed with it. I originally really got into writing through my love of horror – that’s what my first real stories were. I started thinking about it and realized that maybe part of my slump, as strange as it sounds, could have something to do with that.

It seems to be helping thus far. I feel better and more like myself. It’s such a simple and weird solution, to just watch some horror movies and read some creepy books. But whatever it takes to make me feel better, you know?

Speaking of – my Batman collection has been getting a lot of nurturing lately, and it’s growing into something I’m really proud of and want to showcase. I’d like to do more pictures and updates on it, maybe a monthly haul post? I’m not sure yet. If you’re interested, definitely let me know!

Anyway, here I go, doing my thing: writing and watching scary movies and working and hoarding Batman stuff.

~Angel

Led Only By The Stars

Posted: August 26, 2015 by Angel Young in Life, Travel, Writing
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WritingBunny

Hello, my name is Angel, and I am extremely tired.

 

I keep falling behind on posting, and for that I am very sorry. I tell myself I need to write something, and then I get distracted or I’ve got a million things going on, and I get exhausted and tell myself that I’ll just do it ‘tomorrow’ – except when I get to that day finally, I put it off again. And again.

And again.

But here we are!

Obviously, being back at the day job has taken up quite a bit of my time. Add that to my trip to Chicago last weekend for my birthday (Yay, I’m now 25!), and I’ve been a very busy gal.

I had started working on a new project around the same time I started working again, but then quickly lost any and all free time that I had planned to use to write. In the process, I fell into more unhealthy habits – drinking soda again, sitting on my bum all day, eating less than healthy foods, etc – and have all around been failing at what progress I had been making in my life. As I had feared, everything else was pushed to the back burner while I worked my little fingers to the bone on things that, in the end, don’t matter to me nearly as much.

But my weekend away in Chicago made me realize something: just how badly I wanted those dreams of mine to be a reality. And I know I say that a lot. I know I kick myself into gear and then slack for whatever reason. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to accomplish everything I’ve set out to do. This past weekend, I was surrounded by inspiration. I saw people on various levels of living out their dreams, and when I was on my flight back to reality, it sank in just how badly I wanted that for myself. No one should dread coming back to their life. But I always do. And I want that to change.

With that said, it’s time I get back to work on what matters. I’m going to get up earlier and go to bed later. I’m going to research and work and save and do everything possible to make everything possible. I’m going to work on Hail to the Geek, Baby and WanderingNerdGirl.com. And I’m NOT GOING TO PUT OFF POSTING! Once a week at least, that’s my goal. Hold me to it!

Figured I’d pop in and let you all know that I’m definitely alive, and tired, and trying harder than ever.

Let’s make things happen.

~Angel

 

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