Posts Tagged ‘image’

keepgoing

“Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news.”

Last week was a rough one. This week isn’t shaping up to be much better.

Thursday I had an appointment with a new specialist about my feet, because I’ve had some excruciating pain making it difficult to walk for a few months now, but I have mostly ignored it and went on with life. Finally, I saw someone for it, and was diagnosed with Morton’s Neuroma, a condition that causes swelling of the tissue in my feet that presses on the nerves and causes horrible pain. So, I was given some injections in my feet to see if they’d help and prevent surgery for as long as possible. My feet have been swollen and sore, more so than usual, since the injections. Unless they miraculously get better in a few days, I’ll safely assume this isn’t going to work.

Now, here is the more stressful part of my week. Wednesday, I called my surgeon’s office, finally fed up with the pain and other symptoms I have been having that seemed, to me at least, like they may be the return of the giant cyst I had removed from my left ovary last December. I called, spoke with a nurse, who also seemed pretty concerned, and she set me up on the phone for the first opening to get an ultrasound and see my doctor again. So the few days I had to wait were nerve-wracking.

Yesterday, I went in for my tests, and then saw my physician. She explained that my ovaries didn’t have any big, problematic cysts as I had suspected. But what, then, could be causing my problems?

This is where I start to zone out. Because the minute she started discussing a diagnostic procedure to see what’s wrong with my uterus, and the big C word slips into the mix, I started to find it hard to focus.

Before anyone panics, it could be a few different possibilities. Yes, I worry it could be cancer or precancerous polyps. Yes, it makes me feel nauseated and weird and disconnected. But I won’t know anything until my procedure, which I am eagerly awaiting my phone call letting me know when it’s scheduled for. So, we will see how this all turns out.

Just wanted to give everyone a quick little update on what’s going on.

~Angel

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always

My sincerest of apologies for disappearing for a bit after my Check In post. Both my computer crashed AND my internet got all screwed up. It was a very painful time in my life, haha. But seriously. Blogging becomes a problem whenever you have no computer or internet. Go figure.

So, I started work again. A different position, but better pay. I have the best coworkers, that understand my illness and my weirdness. We are encouraged to have individuality. I feel more comfortable giving my time to this day job, and I’m nowhere near as miserable as I once was. It’s a good feeling. I’ll have money for travel, appointments, savings.

But what about writing? Or art? Or any of the projects and things I’ve been devoting my free time to? Never fear. I’m making time. I’m actually more motivated and not only working on the manuscript I’ve been working on editing and revising for submission, but also working on rewriting an old favorite. I’m working hard to get WanderingNerdGirl.com customized and set up with posts. So don’t panic. I’m still working hard. The words will still come, despite the job.

Keep calm and keep checking back, folks!

~Angel

daydreamSo, here it is:

Less than two weeks until I say goodbye to my day job.

Less that two weeks until my health, my friends, and my passions take priority again.

Less than two weeks until I’m writing books, working on photo shoots, doing new artwork.

Less than two weeks until days that I can relax if I don’t feel well and catch up on my DVR.

Less than two weeks until I can take up old hobbies again, like when I used to be an amateur magician. I know that sounds a little weird, but hey – I miss it.

Less than two weeks until I can figure out what I want to do for college.

If you want to summarize all that: Two weeks until I have my life back.

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by
The rules of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap”

Am I scared? Of course I am. Not having steady income is terrifying. But I’m driven by something that scares me even more – giving up on my dreams. I’ve been pushing everything that was important to me to the backburner for far too long, and I was growing comfortable with the idea of settling into a normal life. Not because it was what I wanted, but rather because it was what seemed easier. Maybe everyone is right, I would think. Maybe it’s time to grow up and accept that this dream will stay just that – a dream. And that isn’t like me. That SCARES me. If I want something, I go after it. It’s that simple.

But, I’ve got my manuscript revision finished and ready for Beta Readers and the final round(s) of editing to make it all polished and shiny. I’m booking shoots like you wouldn’t believe: some paying work, some portfolio updates, and some for designers. Not to mention finally getting back to my artwork properly, and having time for my friends again.

It also royally sucks that the coworkers I do like won’t be around every day. I know we can still get together and see each other if we want to, but it’s going to be weird not seeing each other every day like we do now. But I couldn’t stay forever, so this was bound to happen.

But at least, in the world of my art stuff, this happened:

camrenselinakyle

Camren Bicondova, the talented gal that plays a young Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman) in the Fox TV series Gotham, LIKED THIS PHOTO OF HER I DID! I know, in the grand scheme of things, this can’t go on a resume or really much of anything. But HOLY FANGIRL MOMENT, BATMAN! SHE LIKED IT!

 

Anyway, that’s it for now. More soon!

~Angel

I thought this was more out of reach, and honestly, there is still a lot of work to go because I need to do a read-through and have some Beta Readers take a look at it and make any necessary corrections… BUT —

MY WORK IN PROGRESS IS DONE! THE REVISION IS COMPLETE! I JUST NEED TO FIX THINGS AND NOT REWRITE THE WHOLE THING!

cyberdance

It’s such a relief to know I just have polishing left. I’ve worked on this book for forever now it seems, so I’m ecstatic to finally have it at a place I’m much more satisfied with and can tweak instead of completely rewrite.

The light at the end of the tunnel is there. I’m not that far off from queries – which are scary and exhilarating at the same time.

But I’m there guys. I can see the finish line.

~Angel

“When you can’t go forward, and you can’t go backward, and you can’t stay where you are without killing off something deep and vital in yourself, you are on the edge of creation.” Sue Monk Kidd

step

Alright. So, I know I’ve said it before – “This is it, I’m leaving my day job” and “90 days left until I can get back to myself.” – yada yada, I know there have been many instances that I’ve said I’m going to give up working a job that makes me miserable and doesn’t benefit me in the long run.

But, well… By the end of February, I will no longer be working at my infamous and stressful day job. The Universe, as mentioned in my last post, came knocking. A serious of strange and in some ways unfortunate events led me to the realization that there are more important things in life than paying bills until I die. I will never, with the hours I work and amount of other things I have to worry about, get a book ready to be sent off. The odds are against me there.

Until now.

“I believe ardently that you should drop everything and run toward your true self.” -Kyran Pittman

Now I can focus on my health for a bit. I can devote hours to writing and editing and hunting for the perfect agent. I can work on my art and photography and just try, in general, to improve my chaotic little world. I’m not quitting the day job scene for good, just a little while until I can get back to feeling like myself.

Because obviously, bills don’t pay themselves, and won’t magically disappear just because I don’t have steady income. But this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, and it wasn’t something I just came up with.

Like I said, the Universe came knocking on my door, and said it was time for me to go. In other words, they’re closing down where I work, and not everyone gets to keep their job. So, I might as well work until they’re closed, then let someone else have a position, and I can write and whatnot for a bit.

When faced with the decision – fight for a job I don’t want, or let someone who really needs the money have it… well, it was time to take my bow.

It’s time I put some serious work into my writing, and really get somewhere.

 “Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.” – Neil Gaiman (Read more here)

So there you have it. Of course I’m scared, because I’m human, and I’ve grown attached to the idea of having money appear in my bank account every two weeks, and going on adventures, and doing what I please. But I’m also very, very excited, because this is a brand new year, and I can maybe use it to become the person I haven’t been in some time – the girl who could write and draw and paint and take photos and let creativity flow freely and live some beautiful amazing life.

I used to be her. And I miss her. I can’t wait to have myself back.

Wish me luck.

~Angel

“I think I’ll wait another year,
It’ll be the best year ever.”

If you haven’t listened to Amanda Palmer’s “Another Year”, go do it immediately. This song is on to Top 5 list of the soundtrack of my life, I swear.

tolive

Now, I have done many, many things in my life. I’ve worked in a haunted house, and a Halloween costume/supply store. I’ve left the country. Twice. Swam with dolphins. Also twice. I attended a writing conference in New York with Best Selling authors and agents and other passionate writer people like myself, and even read part of a manuscript out loud to two agents (both of which were interested in reading more) – before I started my senior year of High School. I’ve been to Orlando four times. I’ve been to Boston and Salem. I’ve been to Chicago, New Orleans, and Nashville for cons. I’ve been to James Marsters birthday party. Sean Patrick Flanery has called my boyfriend and made me blush, and just been an all around awesome dude to me. David Della Rocco kissed my cheek. I’ve met amazing actors, artists, comedians, authors, etc. I’ve met Stan Lee. Multiple times. I met Robert Englund and cried. I’ve been to Batman Live!, Wicked, Phantom of the Opera, and a variety of other plays and shows. I’ve had VIP passes and been allowed into areas others have dreamed of. I’ve shot fashion shows, had photos and articles published, and occasionally feel like maybe I’m going in the right direction.

And so, so much more. So many people and places I can’t even list them all.

But, I somehow still want more. I have worked myself to death to feel like I’m somewhere, or doing something, and not wasting my life behind a desk at a day job.

It feels like I have been stuck in a state of Almost Something. I have almost been published. Almost graduated with my degree as an Art major. Almost stepped up to the next level in photography. Almost almost almost. But I don’t won’t to fall short anymore. I want to move from Almost Something into Definitely Something.

So, next year, I will try to do more. I will try to top everything I’ve already done, just because I have the drive to do it. I don’t want to live an average life. It will drive me insane. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished things and lived a life I was proud of by the time I’m dead.

I’m working on a list right now of things to do in 2015. Because while 2014 had some very good things, it also had some horrible things. And I want more good days than bad. I’ll post a finished list closer to New Years Eve, but there are some points I will definitely touch on:

I will do something writing related, whether it’s a published novel, or another article. Even a baby step forward is better than a stand still.

I will work on my photography more. Because I miss it. Because I need it. I will do shoots and get my work out there.

I will do something more with my art. It’s improving, though not quite where it was art. I would love to start selling prints and pieces to people.

Travel. Experiences. Health.

There is no point in wasting time, when there are adventures out there waiting for me. I just need to seize the chances I’m presented with.

~Angel

I was overjoyed most of this week because of good news. It was finally looking like things could actually be okay, and I could move forward with my life and get out of the rut I’ve been in. Until yesterday.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today hasn’t been too swell, either. A lot of it has to do with health reasons. Bad tests. Bad news. News I don’t need.
The worst part of it all is that I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, I finally had a direction to go. And then I hit a wall just as I started. And I’m staring at it, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I can do. It terrifies me.
Last night it left me so lost and scared, I didn’t know if I could function.
Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was done. Done with everything. Because I took one step forward, and it launched me three steps back. Suddenly, the things I wanted to do, the things I had set my heart on, seemed like they weren’t worth it. And yet, they seemed to also be the most important things in the world.

I considered buying a one-way ticket anywhere but here.

I considered things much, much more permanent. Because I am scared, and I am human, and I am overwhelmed.

But instead of giving up, instead of running, I’ve decided I just need to work harder, and save up faster, and just use this all as fuel to get me somewhere I need to be. Whether my health gets better or worse, I need to continue forward.

It is time to change my stars.

Motivation-Picture-Quote-Later-Never

I’ve decided:

+ I’m paying off my medical debt ASAP when my check comes in.

+ I’m going to save up for a new car, if I can’t fix mine.

+ I’m saving up for England, and going in the next few years, even if I have to go alone.

+ I’m quitting NaNoWriMo to focus on the project I had been working on, because I want it ready to go by February to agents.

+ I’m going to begin selling my artwork, and taking it more seriously.

+ I’m going to take my health back. My life back.

+ I’m going to break away from all the negatives in my life, and start fresh. New home. New work. New life. No more toxic people slowly killing me.

 

So I will work harder to earn more. I will write, make artwork, sell Scentsy, do photo shoots, sell my own stuff, save birthday/Christmas/bonus money.

I will not be dust. I will burn up in a brilliant blaze and be ashes.

I am not done yet. There is so much more I have to offer the world, and myself.

 

~Angel