Posts Tagged ‘health’

RAGEAGAINSTDEATH

Typically, I make some sort of Thanksgiving related “Thankful” post. Today, I show how thankful I am for what turned around a very bad weekend.

There is a giant reason that this blog is called “Misadventures of a Misfit” – Frequently, my best laid plans fall apart. Hope for the best, expect the worst, settle for something in between. More often than not lately, these plans are damaged by my wonderful body deciding to do something terrible to me at an extremely inopportune time. I was hoping to come back from Reno with fantastic tales of comic con, and loads of pictures of me super excited and looking like a major dork. But instead I come back still battling my body from what can best be described as the worst flare I’ve had since the initial, horrible flare that put me in Barnes hospital for 3 days and started this autoimmune (mis)adventure.

For a few weeks now, I have been very scared that I’ll have to have a hysterectomy after my procedure. I’ve been very scared to find out I have a cancer I wasn’t bracing for.

This weekend, I was very scared I was going to die.

And as weird as this statement sounds, the weekend was saved by Jay and Silent Bob.

I had just gotten into the con, and my first thing I needed to do was get in line for my picture with Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Jason was going to be there for the con itself, but Kevin however was literally there that one day for that one dual photo op with Mewes. I have a lot of admiration for Kevin Smith as a writer and as a creator and person in general and knew this may well be the most I’ll ever get to do in terms of meeting him.

Now, I will say this – I had not felt particularly well this day. But I also hadn’t felt well for a while, hence why I had gone to an ASAP appointment with my surgeon and tests and now the procedure in two weeks. So I wasn’t phased really. It was what it was and had been. I had things to do.

Unfortunately, just before I went up for my photo op, when I had just a few people in line before me, something went wrong in my body. Suddenly I was dizzy, and realized I was going to be ill. Apparently, my blood pressure dropped, my O2 dropped, and ultimately I dropped. To top off this horribleness, I vomited as I went down. Hello, hundreds or so people around me. I am Chronically Ill Girl, and you are not used to my horrible body.

To make this portion of the story as short as possible: I was not well, the Wizard World staff took very good care of me, until the EMT came, checked me out, and had me wheeled away to the first aid station, where I was urged to go to the hospital considering everything going on with my past medical history as well as my current concerns. In reality, I should have agreed for them to call the ambulance. But I was already heartbroken that I’d missed my one shot to see Kevin Smith, and I wasn’t about to miss seeing Adam West and Burt Ward on top of everything else. I got cleaned up and changed and went on with my day.

When I was walking away from my photo op with Adam West and Burt Ward, I was weaving through the booths, and saw that Jason Mewes was at his table doing autographs. I figured I could salvage some of that photo op mishap by at least meeting Mewes. One half was better than not at all, right? And at least I had hopes he didn’t know I was the girl that went down in the line outside.

And he didn’t know… Until my mother told him.

MEWES

So at this point, I’m feeling embarrassed all over again, and I’m ready to shuffle off with my autograph and hide in the corner, especially since I still felt horrible. But that’s when Mewes told me he felt terrible for what happened with me, and that I didn’t get to meet Kevin.

Then he took my number and gave it to his assistant at the table. And told me he’d help me meet Kevin before he left for his flight. Hugs and selfies and many “Thank you”s. I cried when I walked away. I couldn’t believe this was happening to ME.

Now, I’ve been very nervous about actually talking about this, because what was done for me was something I didn’t ask for or expect, and I don’t want someone to ever take advantage of the kindness of others. But still, this kindness meant more to me than I think either of them realized.

So, I went back to my hotel room to shower and rest and in general gear myself up for a few more minutes at con and to prepare myself to somehow meet Kevin Smith.

When 5pm rolled around, my mom and I were waiting in the hotel lobby, as instructed, with promise that Kevin knew I was there waiting for him. I was weak and dizzy and severely anemic, but absolutely determined not to miss this opportunity.

And then I saw him heading my way, iconic jersey and all, and I completely lost focus of how bad I felt as my brain took over.

kevinsmith

I got to meet Kevin Smith. I got to hug him, and take selfies, and he asked how I was feeling. And I GOT TO MEET KEVIN SMITH.

The admiration I have for him already on top of how absolutely freaking AMAZING it was that he and Mewes did this for me made my entire trip. Unfortunately, not long after this, I went downhill again. But for this amount of time, I was on top of the world.

Rage against death by making some art today.

It really sparked a fire in me. I want to create things while I still can. And if ever, for some insane reason, someone looks to me like I do to him, I will do all I can to help make their day too. Someday, even, I’d like to repay Jason and Kevin both. Because something so small and simple to one person, can mean the whole world to another. This was the highlight of my trip, and has turned around the doom and gloom attitude I’ve had toward my health. I can accomplish anything I want, and I don’t have to let anything get in my way. It doesn’t matter if I live ten more years or 60 more.

I will rage against death.

Time to make the best of what time I have. Time to make my mark.

~Angel

Edited to add: Based off of symptoms and blood work, it looks like this was all brought on by a very, very bad disease flare to rival that of the initial one in 2012 that sparked the whole Mysterious Sickness of Doom thing. So I’m still not 100%, but I’m recovering, slowly but surely. Two weeks until my biopsy!

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be soft

Yesterday was bad. Yesterday was overwhelming, and scary, and I’m not sure how I made it out with my sanity. But, nothing of real note happened yesterday. No particular thing set off two very bad panic attacks. Instead, a build up of frustration and stress and the immense feeling of being absolutely powerless all melded together to leave me shaken.

I am a strong person, but I cannot always hold my head above the water. Sometimes, it’s all too much. Sometimes, I start drowning.

But I am also determined to survive, despite everything else. I have come too far to let myself fall apart now.

 

Between health, and life, and the world, and trying to find a balance between who I am now, and who I want to be, I am not coping well. Things don’t work out as we plan, and I completely understand this reality. But it doesn’t mean I have to accept that this is it. I’m torn between settling down and chasing my dreams with reckless abandon. It’s hard to do both at the same time unless you’ve already reached some success. And, unfortunately for me, I am not nearly as close to success as I used to be.

I worry for the world. I worry about people being absolute assholes to each other. I try to make a difference, but I can’t do it alone. You can read more on my post Give the World Your Best – because it’s pointless for me to go into the same details all over again for everyone that’s already read it.

I have three weeks until my procedure, and it’s making me a nervous wreck.

Yet, I have so much to make me feel better and distract myself so I don’t have to deal with anymore negative energy. The week after my procedure, I’m going to see Wicked at the Fox, and going to the Fox is one of my faaavorite things. This weekend, I’m going to Reno for a con. Next week is Thanksgiving so I’ll have some much needed down time from work. I’m sure there’s more I’m not thinking of. But I’m still scared and worried. I still feel like time is passing sooooo slowly.

Everything is making me feel like I have no control, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

So, I’m devising a plan. I am moving toward changes.

More will be coming soon.

~Angel

keepgoing

“Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news.”

Last week was a rough one. This week isn’t shaping up to be much better.

Thursday I had an appointment with a new specialist about my feet, because I’ve had some excruciating pain making it difficult to walk for a few months now, but I have mostly ignored it and went on with life. Finally, I saw someone for it, and was diagnosed with Morton’s Neuroma, a condition that causes swelling of the tissue in my feet that presses on the nerves and causes horrible pain. So, I was given some injections in my feet to see if they’d help and prevent surgery for as long as possible. My feet have been swollen and sore, more so than usual, since the injections. Unless they miraculously get better in a few days, I’ll safely assume this isn’t going to work.

Now, here is the more stressful part of my week. Wednesday, I called my surgeon’s office, finally fed up with the pain and other symptoms I have been having that seemed, to me at least, like they may be the return of the giant cyst I had removed from my left ovary last December. I called, spoke with a nurse, who also seemed pretty concerned, and she set me up on the phone for the first opening to get an ultrasound and see my doctor again. So the few days I had to wait were nerve-wracking.

Yesterday, I went in for my tests, and then saw my physician. She explained that my ovaries didn’t have any big, problematic cysts as I had suspected. But what, then, could be causing my problems?

This is where I start to zone out. Because the minute she started discussing a diagnostic procedure to see what’s wrong with my uterus, and the big C word slips into the mix, I started to find it hard to focus.

Before anyone panics, it could be a few different possibilities. Yes, I worry it could be cancer or precancerous polyps. Yes, it makes me feel nauseated and weird and disconnected. But I won’t know anything until my procedure, which I am eagerly awaiting my phone call letting me know when it’s scheduled for. So, we will see how this all turns out.

Just wanted to give everyone a quick little update on what’s going on.

~Angel

“Working hard is important, but there’s something that matters even more. Believing in yourself. Think of it this way: Every great wizard in history has started out as nothing more than we are now. Students. If they can do it, why not us?” – Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

hp

My body doesn’t care about what I want to do, or what I need to do. My body is an angry, vengeful creature staging a violent rebellion against me for everything I do. But I continue regardless, because things must be done, whether my body wants them done.
It makes writing difficult. It makes waking up earlier difficult. It makes focusing on projects and having the energy to complete anything difficult. It makes work difficult. It makes everything difficult. But I cope. I deal. I do my best.

I’ve spent so much time lately beating myself up for the days I can’t do the extra stuff. The days I can’t get out of bed. The days I give more to my day job than I get paid for. But being upset with myself makes matters worse. I need to be my own motivator, and instead I’m dragging myself down.

So, I will write. I will draw. I will post about Batman stuff and nerdy adventures.

Despite being horribly sick all week, I’m continuing on with work and trying desperately to find time to write. I hammered out a quick short story to get myself back into gear. It was sloppy and weird, and hummed with the influence of reintroducing horror back into my life as a regular staple.

But now, I need to get to work on more serious projects. I need to accomplish more.

I can do this. I can push though. I can be everything I want and more.

I just have to believe in myself. Why not me?

~Angel

writing

Sometimes, when I’m working on a single project, I can focus solely on that one project and block out every other idea bouncing about in my head. Lately, however, I’ve been lacking the focus to get everything done I need to with one project from start to finish, because I get distracted by new ideas, and then my brain cannot focus on the project at hand.

That’s where I’m at right now. I need to focus on revision edits and things, buuuuuuut this idea keeps popping into my head. So, I decided to give in and let it have some of my attention, hoping that if I could appease it by writing down my ideas, it would settle down. Nope. Ideas abundant.

But, hey – who am I to complain? Writing is writing. At this point, any writing I can get done is good. Even if it isn’t a priority project.

I’m slowly but surely making myself a main focus, as selfish as that sounds. I spend so much time devoted to work or family or friends, that I don’t save time for Angel. Not that work/friends/family shouldn’t be counted as important. But a girl has to have her time to herself, you know? My projects, my relaxing time, my time to do whatever I need or want. Sometimes I just want to watch a movie by myself while I clean my room. Most of the time I’m around other people. I’m an introvert – I need recharge time, away from people.

Not just that, though – I need to give my health priority over everything else. I need a healthier lifestyle, but the more stressed I get, the more I crave comfort foods and soda. That’s not what my body needs, and I need to focus on that more.

Something big, though it sounds odd to say, that I’ve been reintegrating back into my regular life is horror. I used to watch horror movies all the time. I read horror. I was obsessed with it. I originally really got into writing through my love of horror – that’s what my first real stories were. I started thinking about it and realized that maybe part of my slump, as strange as it sounds, could have something to do with that.

It seems to be helping thus far. I feel better and more like myself. It’s such a simple and weird solution, to just watch some horror movies and read some creepy books. But whatever it takes to make me feel better, you know?

Speaking of – my Batman collection has been getting a lot of nurturing lately, and it’s growing into something I’m really proud of and want to showcase. I’d like to do more pictures and updates on it, maybe a monthly haul post? I’m not sure yet. If you’re interested, definitely let me know!

Anyway, here I go, doing my thing: writing and watching scary movies and working and hoarding Batman stuff.

~Angel

Checking In

Posted: May 26, 2015 by Angel Young in Life
Tags: , , , ,

ClothedinStrength

Stuff got pretty busy after my last post and my vow to let go of the negative things dragging me down. I put a lot of focus into a new project, planned and packed for the trip to Orlando with my nieces – which I just got back from, and just focused in general on making things better. I focused on my health, lost a bit of weight, and held tight to the plan: to pursue happiness.

This worked well in the time leading up to the trip. But now that I’m home, I’m going through the same thing I always go through: post trip depression. And this time, it’s weighing pretty heavy on me.

But I refuse to let it beat me much longer. I’ve been off track with my health stuff – not taking meds I need to, eating and drinking things that hurt my body, and just not giving my body the attention it was getting used to. So I’m turning it all back around. I have to have some tests done tomorrow before I see my kidney specialist next week. I’ll take this time to make improvements.

I’ll have a proper couple of posts ready soon. I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know I’m okay, and plan to be even better than that soon enough. 🙂

~Angel

life

Nothing rains on your unemployment parade quite like your aunt dying the day you’re laid off. While you’re there. Awake. In the room.

Let’s just say that this whole unemployment thing isn’t turning out like it was supposed to. On top of my aunt dying (which was all around a HORRIBLE thing):

– I’ve had a rheumatology appointment that sucked.

– An ENT appointment that sucked WAY WORSE.

– My body hates me a lot more.

– Endless Unemployment related hoops to jump through, including but not limited to job searches, interviews, and trying to remind my brain to file a weekly claim.

– Nieces and cleaning and favors for family and everything that happens when you’re suddenly the one home all the time so everyone assumes they can dump everything on you to do. Which leads to

– No writing, artwork of any real significance, or photo shoots have been done.

I mean, there was that one day I got to go to see Phantom of the Opera at the Fox in St Louis with my best friend. But that’s the highlight of it all. I’ve just been very, very stuck.

So while I would like this to be a check-in telling you all how everything has been marvelous and I’ve been so busy writing and doing amazing shoots and working on incredible artwork – nope. I’ve been rocking sweatpants and cleaning everything and realizing I have no idea how to do anything anymore.

I’ll have a better update soon. But for now, I need to – you guessed it – go clean.

~Angel