Posts Tagged ‘depression’

life

Nothing rains on your unemployment parade quite like your aunt dying the day you’re laid off. While you’re there. Awake. In the room.

Let’s just say that this whole unemployment thing isn’t turning out like it was supposed to. On top of my aunt dying (which was all around a HORRIBLE thing):

– I’ve had a rheumatology appointment that sucked.

– An ENT appointment that sucked WAY WORSE.

– My body hates me a lot more.

– Endless Unemployment related hoops to jump through, including but not limited to job searches, interviews, and trying to remind my brain to file a weekly claim.

– Nieces and cleaning and favors for family and everything that happens when you’re suddenly the one home all the time so everyone assumes they can dump everything on you to do. Which leads to

– No writing, artwork of any real significance, or photo shoots have been done.

I mean, there was that one day I got to go to see Phantom of the Opera at the Fox in St Louis with my best friend. But that’s the highlight of it all. I’ve just been very, very stuck.

So while I would like this to be a check-in telling you all how everything has been marvelous and I’ve been so busy writing and doing amazing shoots and working on incredible artwork – nope. I’ve been rocking sweatpants and cleaning everything and realizing I have no idea how to do anything anymore.

I’ll have a better update soon. But for now, I need to – you guessed it – go clean.

~Angel

“I think I’ll wait another year,
It’ll be the best year ever.”

If you haven’t listened to Amanda Palmer’s “Another Year”, go do it immediately. This song is on to¬†Top 5 list of¬†the soundtrack of my life, I swear.

tolive

Now, I have done many, many things in my life. I’ve worked in a haunted house, and a Halloween costume/supply store. I’ve left the country. Twice. Swam with dolphins. Also twice. I attended a writing conference in New York with Best Selling authors and agents and other passionate writer people like myself,¬†and even read part of¬†a manuscript out loud to two agents (both of which were interested in reading more)¬†– before I started my senior year of High School. I’ve been to Orlando four times. I’ve been to Boston and Salem. I’ve been to Chicago, New Orleans, and Nashville for cons. I’ve been to James Marsters birthday party. Sean Patrick Flanery has called my boyfriend and made me blush, and just been an all around awesome dude to me. David Della Rocco kissed my cheek. I’ve met amazing actors, artists, comedians, authors, etc. I’ve met Stan Lee. Multiple times. I met Robert Englund and cried. I’ve been to Batman Live!, Wicked, Phantom of the Opera, and a variety of other plays and shows. I’ve had VIP passes and been allowed into areas others have dreamed of. I’ve shot fashion shows, had photos and articles published, and occasionally feel like maybe I’m going in the right direction.

And so, so much more. So many people and places I can’t even list them all.

But,¬†I somehow still want more. I have worked myself to death to feel like I’m somewhere, or doing something, and not wasting my life behind a desk at a day job.

It feels like I have been stuck in a state of Almost Something. I have almost been published. Almost graduated with my degree as an Art major. Almost stepped up to the next level in photography. Almost almost almost. But I don’t won’t to fall short anymore. I want to move from Almost Something into Definitely Something.

So, next year, I will try to do more. I will try to top everything I’ve already done, just because I have the drive to do it. I don’t want to live an average life. It will drive me insane. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished things and lived a life I was proud of by the time I’m dead.

I’m working on a list right now of things to do in 2015. Because while 2014 had some very good things, it also had some horrible things. And I want more good days than bad. I’ll post a finished list closer to New Years Eve, but there are some points I will definitely touch on:

I will do something writing related, whether it’s a published novel, or another article. Even a baby step forward is better than a stand still.

I will work on my photography more. Because I miss it. Because I need it. I will do shoots and get my work out there.

I will do something more with my art. It’s improving, though not quite where it was art. I would love to start selling prints and pieces to people.

Travel. Experiences. Health.

There is no point in wasting time, when there are adventures out there waiting for me. I just need to seize the chances I’m presented with.

~Angel

makenicethingsI could easily admit Sjogren’s Syndrome when I was diagnosed. I was scared, but I could easily say that yes, I have it. And Fibromyalgia didn’t scare or surprise me, mainly just irritates me.
The new specialist I’ve been seeing about my ovaries diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s not something I scream from the rooftop, but I can still admit it.
But I can’t deny the one disease, of all diseases, I have dreaded being told I have. Because Thursday, it snuck up on me, in blood work I never imagined it appearing on. Diabetes.
Mind you, I have not been a diabetic. I have my blood drawn and checked a bizarre amount. I just had it checked right before my dental stuff. But there it was, plain as day, looking back at me. And when the nephrologist that had drawn the labs called me, I hoped he would say it was a fluke. But nope. It’s all mine. A new diagnosis.
And I don’t like it.
I literally fought the diagnosis, denying that it could honestly be happening. But today, I can’t deny it anymore. I started to feel horrible at work, and sure enough, when we checked my blood sugar, it was elevated. Very elevated.
The best guess anyone has as to why I have had normal blood sugars, and now not normal blood sugars, is a combination of horrible genes and my last steroid treatment being such a high dose so many times a day, that it pretty much caused a steroid induced diabetes.
Basically: The medicine to help the rest of me not be sick, woke up another sickness. (Which, I must say, is bullshit. Stupid body.)

But, why am I throwing all this out there? Because I am ashamed. And I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be. I’m posting this because I need love and support to get me through it, and I won’t have any of that if I pretend I don’t have it.

Diabetes is a disease that, in both Type 1 and Type 2, is frequently misconstrued by the media and society in general as something to be embarrassed of. People suddenly think it gives them a license to be an asshole to you, because you obviously “did it to yourself.”

Diabetes is an autoimmune disease. So, why don’t I want to treat it like Sjogren’s, where I can just as easily say that I have Diabetes as I do with Sjogrens?

I don’t want to perpetuate this idea that I need to be ashamed.

And I am going to fight like hell to turn this mess around, not so people don’t judge me: but so that I can live this fabulous, adventurous life I have dreamed of.

 

~Angel

I was overjoyed most of this week because of good news. It was finally looking like things could actually be okay, and I could move forward with my life and get out of the rut I’ve been in. Until yesterday.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today hasn’t been too swell, either. A lot of it has to do with health reasons. Bad tests. Bad news. News I don’t need.
The worst part of it all is that I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, I finally had a direction to go. And then I hit a wall just as I started. And I’m staring at it, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I can do. It terrifies me.
Last night it left me so lost and scared, I didn’t know if I could function.
Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was done. Done with everything. Because I took one step forward, and it launched me three steps back. Suddenly, the things I wanted to do, the things I had set my heart on, seemed like they weren’t worth it. And yet, they seemed to also be the most important things in the world.

I considered buying a one-way ticket anywhere but here.

I considered things much, much more permanent. Because I am scared, and I am human, and I am overwhelmed.

But instead of giving up, instead of running, I’ve decided I just need to work harder, and save up faster, and just use this all as fuel to get me somewhere I need to be. Whether my health gets better or worse, I need to continue forward.

It is time to change my stars.

Motivation-Picture-Quote-Later-Never

I’ve decided:

+ I’m paying off my medical debt ASAP when my check comes in.

+ I’m going to save up for a new car, if I can’t fix mine.

+ I’m saving up for England, and going in the next few years, even if I have to go alone.

+ I’m quitting NaNoWriMo to focus on the project I had been working on, because I want it ready to go by February to agents.

+ I’m going to begin selling my artwork, and taking it more seriously.

+ I’m going to take my health back. My life back.

+ I’m going to break away from all the negatives in my life, and start fresh. New home. New work. New life. No more toxic people slowly killing me.

 

So I will work harder to earn more. I will write, make artwork, sell Scentsy, do photo shoots, sell my own stuff, save birthday/Christmas/bonus money.

I will not be dust. I will burn up in a brilliant blaze and be ashes.

I am not done yet. There is so much more I have to offer the world, and myself.

 

~Angel

‚ÄúDreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.‚ÄĚ ~ Dr. Dale E. Turnerwherewasi1 wherewasi2

 

Those of you that keep up with me in real life, and those that read my health update post, know that I have not been well. After my previous post, I ended up getting even worse, and was out of work most of last week thanks to it. It seems in combination with a rough wisdom teeth extraction, I also developed an infection, which sent my body into a horrible flare mode. Long story short: I was miserable.

I was out of work longer than I had anticipated I would be over this, and most of the time I couldn’t function enough to watch a movie or catch up on my DVR shows. But I started getting frustrated with being sick and useless, so I did what I have done many times before when I’m sick: I started drawing.

At first, I barely managed some terrible little demented sketches. But I kept at it during the periods of time that I felt like I could function, and it distracted me just enough from how terrible I felt. This is how I coped up until Halloween.

Friday, when I woke up, I started crying. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I’d planned for months to dress up for work, and see my boyfriend that night, and go see Horns in theaters if possible – and if not, they had it available On Demand, so I could watch it that way. But of course, Friday I was still in terrible shape, so: No work, No costume, No going out with the boyfriend. I did watch Horns via On Demand, but that didn’t change how bummed missing my favorite Holiday made me. So, I watched horror movies on the couch all day and rested.

But by Friday night, I was down again. Seeing all my friends posting their Halloween costumes, going out, doing stuff other than being sickly… just made the depression from being sick that much worse. And it’s hard to make your body feel better when the rest of you isn’t up to the task.

Then, I saw someone on my friends list post their costume makeup, and I thought “Hey, I’d like to draw that.” Not just a rough, crappy sketch for practice. I wanted to actually make a piece of art off of what they looked like. So, I grabbed some paper and pencils and set to work. Once I had the basic sketch down, I grabbed my colored pencils and started on the colors. I didn’t finish it that night, because I felt awful, but I was proud of what I had accomplished of it.

Saturday is a blur to me. I know I woke up feeling even worse, and spent a lot of my time trying to rest. I was bummed that my brain fog was at a max level of suck, because it was Day One of NaNoWriMo. So zero words were accomplished.

Now, by Sunday, I was frustrated with myself. I wanted to feel better, not just for NaNoWriMo, but because I was tired of being a slave to my sickness. So I made a plan: I would pace myself, and take the whole day to do it, but I would 1.) work on something photography related, even if I just edited one of the many photos I’m behind on, 2.) work on the piece I started on Halloween, and 3.) I would start on my NaNoWriMo project, even if I only typed 50 words. Getting 50 words into the project was a hell of a lot better than having nothing.

There were naps involved, and I really did only edit one of the photos I’m behind on. But I managed to get quite a bit of progress made on my art, as well as nearly 3,000 words into my NaNoWriMo project. And the best part of it? I was proud of myself at the end of the day. Despite the horrible way I felt, I accomplished something I set out to, even though it took all day.

But it didn’t stop there: Today, I feel SO MUCH better than I have. I’m still not functioning at 100%, and I don’t feel well at all. But compared to how I have felt for nearly two weeks now? Major improvement.

Was it the boost in my spirit? Or just the illness calming down from running it’s course with this flare up? Who knows, for sure. But I would like to credit it to doing the things¬† I love most.

Here’s to what I hope is a very successful November!

~Angel

Well, 2014 has apparently been the year of random health stuff happening. I’m not even sure where to start…

zim
Let’s just begin with the time before I went to Orlando, in a brief summary:

+ Rheumatologist was freaking out about my kidneys, and said I needed to see a nephrologist ASAP. And considering 1.) My father and his twin both died with kidney problems and 2.) even if I didn’t have a family history, my disease can damage my organs, including my kidneys. So this has been a giant scary red flag of dread.

+ My liver is also not behaving as it should be.

+ My thyroid and lymph nodes are also not my friends right now. So, more tests there.

+ Basically my body hates me.

Since I’ve gotten back:

+ I’m set up for a pre-surgery consult for my ovarian mass on November 10th. Finally getting rid of that sucker.

+ Thursday was a bunch of dental procedure stuff. And since I have an autoimmune disorder that likes to focus on my mouth, and the work needed to be done to not let that get worse, but the procedure itself causes problems… Let’s just say I’m not having the best recovery ever.

+ The specialist for my kidneys was not a fun day. Blood work and tests and just bad news. My kidney function seems to be fine, but there is still damage being done. A considerable amount considering my family and personal history. I follow up with that doctor November 6th. And he’s already told me he wants a kidney biopsy done, which will not be a fun time I’m sure.

I’m sure there are 8 billion other things that I can’t think of right now, because the brain fog is so intense right now, I feel like I’m never going to crawl out of it. But¬†I figure everyone deserves an update on how my health misadventures are going.

Hopefully I can get my head clear in time to start NaNoWriMo this weekend, and make an attempt to enjoy my favorite holiday – Halloween.

 

~Angel

alice

“My life’s all I got, and Heaven is all in my brain.
And when I feel I’m in Hell, my ideas are what get me through pain.”

¬†It’s been a crappy health related week or so. Not too horrible. But there are some scary things happening and some procedures and ASAP referrals to new specialists for test concerns. I broke down crying yesterday, having a childish “why me/not fair” fit. Honestly, you deserve those sometimes when health stuff gets stressful, but not all the time. I can’t be broken all the time. Too much to get done.

But with the 5 billion things going on, I didn’t finish up my chapters for Brittaney (slipped my mind, can’t imagine why) and so now I feel like an extra super failure for not writing like I was supposed to. And with me being gone for two weeks, I’ll be even more behind on my writing, unless I take a laptop or notebook and some printed stuff with me to work on while I’m gone. But then I have to do a lot of hoping that I don’t end up too exhausted to write.

And I honestly am so freaking ready to just pack up and leave for Orlando. So ready. But I have a little over a week until I actually leave, so there is still waiting to be done. Luckily, not much. But the stress relief will do wonders for my health, I’m sure. If not physically, then at least mentally. I need my happy place.

¬†Despite the bad stuff, I am sketching more, and obviously the desire to write is there.¬†Even with¬†the chaos of the week, I did some writing. I just¬†didn’t make it¬†to my goal. I even worked on some outline stuff for NaNoWriMo to prepare for November.

 My creativity is willing to jump in and distract me from the pain and stress and everything else until I can escape for a while to refresh my mind, body, and soul.

Hopefully soon I can start sharing some art with you guys regularly, and possibly even have some to sell. But for now, I just sketch and practice and work away at being better.

Until next time,

~Angel

It’s time to revisit the Black Widow “Avengers” quote I posted a year or two back:

“I’ve got red on my ledger. I’d like to wipe it out.”

BW

I don’t think I fully conveyed what I wanted to get across in the original post I made in regard to this quote. And since I see that post still gets quite a few views, I thought I should define it a little better.

There are things in my life that I feel like I owe. Things I feel like I am responsible for with my life. This could easily go back to the infamous Spider-Man quote:

¬†“With great power comes great responsibility.”

In my world, these two quotes go very well together.

I feel like an incredibly guilty person. There are things I have done and regret. There are things I feel like¬†I owe the universe in return for everything I have received and don’t feel like¬†I entirely deserve.

But one of the biggest things that haunts me is when someone dies. A friend, a child, a good person. Suddenly a life is gone from this world, a light blown out, and somehow that makes me even more aware of my own life and what is being done with it.

And then I become Angel. the Girl Who Wants to Save the World.

I become the girl who does random acts of kindness, not to earn religious brownie points, not to ‘look good’, not for any reason other than I know it’s good and I need more good things in my life, because they make me happy. Helping other people just honestly makes me happy. It makes me feel like my existence isn’t a waste of air.

My ledger is gushing red still, but I use these good things to help wipe it out in my own mind.

Because in my mind, I don’t deserve to be alive. Not compared to some of these people that have died.

I have to live the best life I can. I have to travel and love and live, I have to put more good out into the world. For them. For all of the lives that ended too soon.

So, I try to brighten the days of others. I try to make people laugh when they want to cry. I try to show people an alternative to just the mundane routine, or to the destructive lifestyles. I try to inspire. I try to¬†donate¬†where I can, or raise money. I try to support the dreams of others, because¬†we all seem to die the moment our dreams¬†do.¬†I try to give, big things and little things. Because not everyone has the same opportunities that I have had. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have the power to help them get those same chances.

I have a great power, and I am responsible for making the most of it. And I am. I will continue to do so.

I know this is a weird post, but I feel like I needed an adequate follow-up to the first “Red on my ledger” post.

~Angel

‚ÄúAnger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.‚ÄĚ

It is apparent I struggle. A lot. With everything and anything that I seem to be able to struggle with. I spend a lot more time dwelling on the bad things and being overwhelmed by anger and sorrow, that I don’t pay as much attention to all of the beautiful and amazing things in my life. I let everything bad destroy the power of all the good that surrounds me. And I’ve grown tired of it.

problems

It is time that I commit to myself.

It is time to make everything better, myself. Time to get this revised draft of BM reworked so my beta readers can read it, and I can make final adjustments before getting my query letters ready. I’m giving myself until February for this. I am a writer and I have no one to blame but myself for not being further along in my career.

It’s also time that I take control of my health again. My disease, my weight, my mental health. All of it.

Time to take back my happiness, most of all. 

It is time I embrace the ridiculously amazing life that I have been given.

 

~Angel

‚ÄúFinish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.‚Ä̬†¬† — Ralph Waldo Emerson

There will be days we all feel like we are at our limits. We feel like we are giving 120% and that it just isn’t enough. There are days we all want to curl up on the floor and scream, “I GIVE UP!”

Yeah. Well.¬†Yesterday was¬†a day that had me fighting that urge to¬†curl up on¬†the floor and quit.¬†Actually, more like this past week.¬†It happens. Sometimes, more often than I would like. Sometimes I get to have a good day, and before I know it I’m right back to my breaking point. I’m being pulled a million directions and coming up more lost than I’ve ever been.

fragile

I’m making the adjustments that I can: making the best choices for adventures to save myself money, while making sure I still get to do what I was wanting to do; I’m slowly but surely rebuilding my savings account for responsible adult stuff, like getting my own place or a new¬†car, etc. I’m trying to convince myself to not abuse this mind or body, but to instead fully embrace life despite everything else going on.

But I can’t lie – it’s hard. I get discouraged and don’t treat my body like I should. I let my depression get the better of me and start to lose hope on things ever working out.

I’m doing the best I can, though, which is all you can do. I’m making myself read and write when I can. I’m trying to get out in the pool when I can, even if my body is too tired for that nonsense. I’m saving money and planning things and using every distraction in the book to make myself not lose my marbles (or what’s left of them, rather.)

Expect more pleasant updates soon, about things that hopefully do not revolve around my struggles, and instead focus on good things or writing things or anything else really.

~Angel