Posts Tagged ‘coping’

Life has a funny way of kicking you right in the teeth in the worst way right when you really can’t handle it.


The above comment was left on my post “Reflection”, in which I talked about my issues with substance abuse and friends and everything. Whitney is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known, inside and out. She was kind, loving, and saw past the worst in people. Unfortunately, a few days after her comment was left, she passed away. She died on a Friday night, at age 23. I found out Saturday morning. I can honestly say, it shattered my world.


There isn’t much I can think of to say. My brain is still a jumbled mess. But Whitney was an incredible person, full of life and love and laughter. She would be there for her friends and family no matter what and do her best to help. We’ve had many long talks, goofy trips to St Louis for photo shoots and movies and mall shopping. She was one of the best friends a girl could ask for. That anyone could ask for really. Her funeral was proof of that – pack full, with people from every walk of life: different classes, races, religions, people with and without heavy body modification, etc. Whitney loved everyone. And she was very loved in return.


“And though you’re dead and gone believe me –
Your memory will carry on,
We’ll carry on.”

I can’t handle typing anymore tonight. I’ll write more later.


“The fire’s only half dead, how many angels can you fit on a match head?”

Trying, trying, trying… Even though everything seems to keep falling apart, even though every time I think I have one problem out of the way, I turn around and have six more problems on top of the previous problems. Mounting stress. Worry, concern, anxiety. Eating me up. Making me nuts. Killing the passion, the drive, the fire that used to burn so bright inside of me. I wish I could just stop and focus again. I used to do so well, used to get so much done. But I never have time to shoot or draw or paint or, most importantly – write. I NEED to write. I need to shoot. I need to focus. But I’ve been working too much, stressing too much, hurting too much..

“I’m feeling like I’m half dead.”

Mysterious Sickness of Doom just won’t go away. I just can’t seem to make myself feel any better, then find out more things are wrong. More procedures, more doctors, more test. I’m tired of it all. I just want to be better again. I want to go home from work and not feel like I’m going to die because my body hurts too much.

“I’d tell you the truth but I don’t wanna upset you friend.
I’d tell you “Go to hell” but Satan wouldn’t let you in.
He’d say that you’re an evil man amongst evil men,
And when you need a friend you can seek him then.”

I’m tired of the bad guy winning lately. Tired of people destroying my chances to move forward. Not just me bitching that someone else is holding me back – I mean LITERALLY, people getting themselves into some huge mess and somehow dragging me into said mess. It’s never ending. And it pulls some domino effect stuff on the rest of my life, leaving me lost on what to do next when I was so sure I had a game plan in mind.

In other news…

My friend Skylar, aka the FABULOUS model Little Red ( Go like her on Facebook!), started living with me this week, and we’re officially moving her stuff tomorrow with the help of our mutual friend (and my bestie) Brittaney – aka other fab model, Daisy Von Doom ( Annnnd go like her on Facebook as well). Also, we’re redoing my bathroom. Well, starting on it at least. So yeah. Shit is craaazy right now.

More news, hopefully less whiney, later.


Sometimes, life gets all messed up on bath salts and tries to eat your face. Not literally (okay, sometimes literally), but you get the idea.

Life has been not so literally trying to eat my face. Normally, I’m so good at fighting Life off that I can avoid being devoured while doing a few other things in the process. I’m fairly good at multitasking when things start to get overwhelming. But alas, I am human and can grow weak enough that Life straight up almost eats my freakin’ face off.

Okay, okay. Enough of the Life Eating Your Face Off thing. I hear ya.

Anyway, between the Mysterious Sickness of Doom and college/work/personal stress, topped off by June 23rd rolling around as it does every single year and reminding me that I’m alive and my best friend isn’t. Yeah. My brain has been a wee bit on Overload. And I’m finally starting to crack.

It’s like any good news I get – be it major or minor – it still isn’t enough to counter all of the bad things that keep building up up up. I’m stressed and my self confidence is shot all to hell. My stupid body is falling apart on me. I’d really just love to go back on vacation, but now the worries in my head are making wonder if even THAT is going to happen. I’m about to throw a lot onto my plate all at once and really… I’m wondering if I can actually keep my head above water this time. Maybe if I was 100% the old me, it wouldn’t be so bad. I used to be able to handle so much more. But since I’ve gotten sick and now everything seems to be so up in the air in my life at the moment, I have a harder time coping with the extreme levels of stress.

But dammit, I’m trying. I want my life back under my control. I want to chase my dreams down, I want to feel better and be happier. But Life keeps stepping back in and reminding me of all the reasons to say I Can’t instead of I Can.

Luckily, I’m not a quitter. I’m going to push myself even harder. I’ll save every penny I can and split it between savings for life junk and savings for my trip. I’ll work my ass off in school to get to where I want to be. I’ll find time to write and work on my manuscript’s revisions, even if I have to stay up all night. I’ll start booking shoots again and getting back to work. I’ve been eating healthier and trying to take my vitamins and medicine and junk to help my body as much as possible.

I can do this. Deep breath. Deeeeep breath.