Posts Tagged ‘artist life’

daydreamSo, here it is:

Less than two weeks until I say goodbye to my day job.

Less that two weeks until my health, my friends, and my passions take priority again.

Less than two weeks until I’m writing books, working on photo shoots, doing new artwork.

Less than two weeks until days that I can relax if I don’t feel well and catch up on my DVR.

Less than two weeks until I can take up old hobbies again, like when I used to be an amateur magician. I know that sounds a little weird, but hey – I miss it.

Less than two weeks until I can figure out what I want to do for college.

If you want to summarize all that: Two weeks until I have my life back.

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by
The rules of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap”

Am I scared? Of course I am. Not having steady income is terrifying. But I’m driven by something that scares me even more – giving up on my dreams. I’ve been pushing everything that was important to me to the backburner for far too long, and I was growing comfortable with the idea of settling into a normal life. Not because it was what I wanted, but rather because it was what seemed easier. Maybe everyone is right, I would think. Maybe it’s time to grow up and accept that this dream will stay just that – a dream. And that isn’t like me. That SCARES me. If I want something, I go after it. It’s that simple.

But, I’ve got my manuscript revision finished and ready for Beta Readers and the final round(s) of editing to make it all polished and shiny. I’m booking shoots like you wouldn’t believe: some paying work, some portfolio updates, and some for designers. Not to mention finally getting back to my artwork properly, and having time for my friends again.

It also royally sucks that the coworkers I do like won’t be around every day. I know we can still get together and see each other if we want to, but it’s going to be weird not seeing each other every day like we do now. But I couldn’t stay forever, so this was bound to happen.

But at least, in the world of my art stuff, this happened:

camrenselinakyle

Camren Bicondova, the talented gal that plays a young Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman) in the Fox TV series Gotham, LIKED THIS PHOTO OF HER I DID! I know, in the grand scheme of things, this can’t go on a resume or really much of anything. But HOLY FANGIRL MOMENT, BATMAN! SHE LIKED IT!

 

Anyway, that’s it for now. More soon!

~Angel

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I was overjoyed most of this week because of good news. It was finally looking like things could actually be okay, and I could move forward with my life and get out of the rut I’ve been in. Until yesterday.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today hasn’t been too swell, either. A lot of it has to do with health reasons. Bad tests. Bad news. News I don’t need.
The worst part of it all is that I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, I finally had a direction to go. And then I hit a wall just as I started. And I’m staring at it, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I can do. It terrifies me.
Last night it left me so lost and scared, I didn’t know if I could function.
Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was done. Done with everything. Because I took one step forward, and it launched me three steps back. Suddenly, the things I wanted to do, the things I had set my heart on, seemed like they weren’t worth it. And yet, they seemed to also be the most important things in the world.

I considered buying a one-way ticket anywhere but here.

I considered things much, much more permanent. Because I am scared, and I am human, and I am overwhelmed.

But instead of giving up, instead of running, I’ve decided I just need to work harder, and save up faster, and just use this all as fuel to get me somewhere I need to be. Whether my health gets better or worse, I need to continue forward.

It is time to change my stars.

Motivation-Picture-Quote-Later-Never

I’ve decided:

+ I’m paying off my medical debt ASAP when my check comes in.

+ I’m going to save up for a new car, if I can’t fix mine.

+ I’m saving up for England, and going in the next few years, even if I have to go alone.

+ I’m quitting NaNoWriMo to focus on the project I had been working on, because I want it ready to go by February to agents.

+ I’m going to begin selling my artwork, and taking it more seriously.

+ I’m going to take my health back. My life back.

+ I’m going to break away from all the negatives in my life, and start fresh. New home. New work. New life. No more toxic people slowly killing me.

 

So I will work harder to earn more. I will write, make artwork, sell Scentsy, do photo shoots, sell my own stuff, save birthday/Christmas/bonus money.

I will not be dust. I will burn up in a brilliant blaze and be ashes.

I am not done yet. There is so much more I have to offer the world, and myself.

 

~Angel

mypeople

[And since we know that dreams are dead,

and life turns plans up on their head,

I will plan to be a bum,

so I just might become someone.]

Here is yet another project update to let everyone know what’s going on:

Interview: Friday I wrapped up a two part interview about fun things like Sjogren’s, writing, travel, etc. Should be a good read whenever they’re up and ready. I’ll be sure to post a link whenever it’s up.

Writing: Even when it isn’t at the most appropriate time, I am always greatly to my muse for poking around in my brain and making me want to write. The last two days have been like that. I’ve been keeping a pen and note pad in my pocket while I’m at work, because scenes are just playing out in my head for a new story, as well as current projects, and I have to jot them down. I’m also about to start serious revisions on my project, code name BM, that I’ve been working on for publication. Cross all crossable things that this goes well.

Plus, I’m going to enter a nonfiction writing contest. I doubt I will win, but I think trying will be good for me. Get back into that mode of submitting and getting over this recent fear of people reading my work. I used to be confident. Now I’m constantly worried about not being good enough, despite any positive feedback. I need to relax a little.

Art: I made myself do a sketch, just one little sketch, last night. I’m out of practice. I have projects I need to be working on, but I just don’t have much faith in myself and it makes me put things off. I need to let go of that worry and just accept that the only way to improve is to continue practicing.

Photography: I’m so behind on shoots it’s ridiculous, but I’m working on it. Most of the problem is time management related. I’m putting projects together at least, so that’s always good.

 

So, that’s about it for right now. A lot, and yet nothing much. Now, back to the muse.

~Angel

 

So here we go with another lovely little general update about the various projects and things going on:

Writing: I know I need to be working on BM, the current work-in-progress I’ve been trying to get polished for agent querying. But it’s in a state of chaos, since I was working on it before, during, and AFTER the 2012 Sjogren’s flare of Doom. I think that much mixed together honestly really, really intimidates me. That’s a strange way to put it, I guess. But it’s the best way I can describe it. I’m just uncomfortable with so many variations while I’m still struggling to get my groove back.

MassiveInsecurity

So, when the uncontrollable urge to start writing again on an old manuscript that I tried to get published in 2008/2009, which we shall refer to here as B.O.E., I gave it some serious thought. Did I really want to ruin a book I adored with my crappy Sjogrens brain? I went ahead and started a read through and realized — Sjogrens or not, I’ve grown as a writer since then. I could see glaring mistakes that I either overlooked or was too afraid to dump. I think, as unusual as it sounds, that working on a rewrite for B.O.E. could actually reboot my brain to pre-Sjogrens Doom Flare. Maybe not everything will work right, and maybe not all the time. But it got some gears turning that had started getting rusty. We’ll see how this works out.

Art: To make up for the fact I haven’t always felt up to my little sketch-a-day plan, I have started working on bigger and more time consuming projects as a way to take regaining my skills to a bigger level. I still want to keep practicing a little sketch every day, but from time to time I don’t mind pumping out some bigger work. Some of which I would really like to try to sell, eventually.

Photography: I haven’t done an actual shoot that I’ve wanted to for some time. I’ve done a few for other people, but none that are actual projects of my own. I have a shoot hopefully on Sunday, so let’s see if that kicks off photo shoot season properly. I’ve had a lot of ideas, and not a lot of time or energy. I have started taking online classes for photography, and probably more subjects soon enough. I’m pretty excited.

Adventures: I’m going through travel withdrawals. I’m staring at my luggage and wishing it was packed up and going with me somewhere. And while I do have at least two trips left this year, that really seems like it isn’t enough. I need to leave. Especially with the fact I’m used to leaving for Orlando in May or June from the last two years. My body is convinced we’re supposed to be leaving. Sorry, body. Not yet.

However, I’m still working hard to save up for my big trip with friends next year. I’m hoping it all works out, we get our ticket and hotel money together, and we can pull this off. *crosses fingers*

 

Well, that’s about it for now. I’ll have another post about the various other things going on soon enough, and will eventually get around to posting about all the appointments lately. I just haven’t been ready to tackle the health post, yet.

~Angel

I used to do posts once upon a time on my old blog, in which I would sum up several different updates to do with my artistic MoreIdeasThanTimeendeavors like writing, art, photography, etc. Break it down by category and let everyone know what was going on with different projects, and so on. You know, talk about the things I’m actually doing as opposed to what I usually do, which is ramble about random things. I figured I could start doing this every so often to keep everyone up to date with everything going on, especially if there was anything truly noteworthy.

Writing: When it comes to writing, I’ve been a bit of a slacker lately. Not by my own choice, mind you. Mostly time constraints, health, and a billion other things. But I’ve been scribbling what I can when I can (and where I can, since I had a muse whispering to me on the streets of New Orleans and all I had to write on was a pizza box as I walked to my hotel.)

I have a million ideas buzzing in my head and a very determined muse that wants me to be writing. In case you couldn’t guess, this is part of why you’re getting more posts lately: I want to be writing. Something. Anything. Blog posts are decent practice, a way of keeping myself used to the act of writing, but are also simple enough that I can save a draft and work on it whenever I have a chance to. Besides, I can scribble parts of this on notes and just fill it into the blog post later in the day. Then, I can either post as soon as I’m finished, or schedule it to post later on whenever I want. Tah-Dah! New posts for you guys, more practice for me.

But besides that, I do always keep a notebook on hand to scribble thoughts and ideas, diaglogue, freewriting, continue on current projects, etc. Inspirational stuff like quotes, song lyrics, and that sort of thing. Anything and everything that could be useful to my writing. I just haven’t had much time to do solid, meaningful writing. Well, maybe meaningful isn’t the best word. Just writing that amounts to much of anything.

Art: I’ve made it a point to keep myself drawing regularly since December. I hoped to do at least a little sketching every day, but occasionally something else gets in the way – work on projects that take more than one day of work, my head pounding so hard I can’t keep my eyes open, or sometimes I get so drawn into something I’m reading that literally all spare moments MUST be dedicated to the reading of whatever book. (I’ll get to what I’ve been reading in just a bit.)

I’ve been dabbling a bit in digital art lately, mostly using Sketchbook Pro. Definitely different than what I’m used to, but I’m getting better at it. I’ve worked on my nifty little self portrait and a few other projects, some just for me to practice, others by request. I’m currently slaving over a project for a local band that I really hope turns out looking awesome. I’ll link to that whenever it’s finished.

I’m also really, REALLY feeling the itch to pick up a paintbrush again. Someone asked me what I would be doing if I could be doing anything at that particular moment, and without hesitation I replied: I wish I was painting and listening to music. I used to do that all the time, and it really relaxed me. I honestly miss it like crazy. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to fit in some canvas time.

Reading: I might as well transition to what I’ve been reading, since I was mentioning it above. Obviously, I have my 2014 Bookworm Challenge up there on the left hand side of this page. That’s where you can go to regularly check what I’ve read/been reading this year. I doubt I will post about EVERY SINGLE BOOK because everyone, including myself, would grow tired of it. This isn’t just a review blog. I’ve got stuffs to talk about here!

But I will take a moment to mention the Divergent books, which have been the reason I have gotten very little drawing done. It’s sort of weird to me, because it’s not like it’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever read – not saying I don’t thoroughly enjoy it, because I do. But I just HAD TO finish it. And then just HAD TO have Insurgent. Because I did. Which is a good thing to accomplish as a writer, I would say. Because I went to the store and bought the rest of the trilogy as soon as I was finished. I’m definitely looking forward to the movie.

Photography: Finding time for photography is a little rough, but not altogether an impossible task. I can get the occasional shoot together if I have to, but mostly it’s a matter of my work schedule not being too friendly or my body not being up to the task from exhaustion. But that doesn’t change my desire to shoot or drive to create new and beautiful things. I’ve been planning out some shoots to work on as soon as my schedule, weather, and body all decide to get along with one another. I’ll post some links and pictures whenever I get more shoots done.

 

Overall, I’m a girl of true grit, one not only chasing her dreams, but willing to corner said dreams in an alley and beat them into submission. I will make something of myself. Even if it kills me. Which I wouldn’t doubt happening at this point. Ha.

Well there you have it. My first little project update type dealio for 2014. Hopefully these will get better and more exciting as the year goes on. I’ll throw some travel in here every so often as well. I do owe you guys a New Orleans post, anyway.

~Angel

So, I recently watched (and then rewatched) Bo Burnham’s “what.” – which I’ll refer to as a comedy special, even though his performance was that and so much more. Look him up on YouTube if you aren’t easily offended. And even if you are… get over it for a few minutes. He’s a breath of fresh air and brings me great joy, even on dark days.

Point is, his final segment is incredibly inspiring to me:

Hopefully, you watched the video.

Anyway. I have this problem a lot with random friends, acquaintances, family, etc. Whenever stuff is going right in my life – i.e. New article/photo published, new interview, I mention filming, or they see a new profile pic of me and a celebrity… and BAM! Suddenly, I have a whole group of people come out of the woodwork that are suddenly my BFFs and closest of close family members, when 90% NEVER TALK TO ME EVER. 80% I’m pretty sure have never even LIKED me. Friends of a friend’s friend are suddenly messaging me like I’ve known them for years. While I am not opposed to new friends, I don’t appreciate the awkwardness of one you can just tell from the start isn’t genuine. Especially if the conversation drifts to…:

So, I saw that picture of you and [insert celebrity/author/artist/whatever here], and I’m a huuuuge fan, could you introduce us?”

You’re drawings are amazing! Would you draw me [insert random picture here]? What’s a commission? You mean you’d charge a FRIEND?” (Mind you, there are friends and instances I AM fine with this. But those are my long term friends, or people I wanted to draw anyway, etc.)

I heard you’re trying to get a book published! You should give me a copy when it comes out!” (Yes, because what I really want to do when I’m trying to make a living off of my writing is give people I never talk to free copies. Sheesh.)

You can use me as a model, because I totally would love to have some shots taken… But none of that weird stuff. Like, I want some normal pictures. What do you mean you want paid for that?!” (Unless I find your face or the project we’d be working on together incredibly beneficial to my photography portfolio, it’s not too likely that I’m going to take some free pictures for you. I need to be able to make at least enough to cover the gas I used to get to the shoot. Otherwise, what’s the point?)

And really, I could just keep going on and on and on…

BelowYou

The point is, I’m not one above helping people out. I am fairly reasonable and usually can work something out with people when I know their financial situation may be a little strained or something. I’m also a fairly big fan of exchange – for a small favor or assistance in something, I’m usually willing to work out something. But I can’t give everything away all the time. I would defeat the purpose of creating things to make a living. This is probably a good chunk of the reasoning behind why I’m still working my mind-numbing day job.

But people will always think they know you. People that want something from you. People that are jealous and want to drag you down. People will always try to change you and mold you to best suit their needs. And you know what? Let them try. The people that matter know who YOU are. The friends and family that have stuck by your side even when it was hard, those are the people you can count on.

Let the right people in, and clear out the toxic influences in your life. Use the negativity and stress to fuel your motivation to move forward, instead of letting it hold you back. And I beg you, plead with you —

Don’t let success get to your head, or failure get to your heart.

~Angel