I was overjoyed most of this week because of good news. It was finally looking like things could actually be okay, and I could move forward with my life and get out of the rut I’ve been in. Until yesterday.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today hasn’t been too swell, either. A lot of it has to do with health reasons. Bad tests. Bad news. News I don’t need.
The worst part of it all is that I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, I finally had a direction to go. And then I hit a wall just as I started. And I’m staring at it, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I can do. It terrifies me.
Last night it left me so lost and scared, I didn’t know if I could function.
Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was done. Done with everything. Because I took one step forward, and it launched me three steps back. Suddenly, the things I wanted to do, the things I had set my heart on, seemed like they weren’t worth it. And yet, they seemed to also be the most important things in the world.
I considered buying a one-way ticket anywhere but here.
I considered things much, much more permanent. Because I am scared, and I am human, and I am overwhelmed.
But instead of giving up, instead of running, I’ve decided I just need to work harder, and save up faster, and just use this all as fuel to get me somewhere I need to be. Whether my health gets better or worse, I need to continue forward.
It is time to change my stars.
I’ve decided:
+ I’m paying off my medical debt ASAP when my check comes in.
+ I’m going to save up for a new car, if I can’t fix mine.
+ I’m saving up for England, and going in the next few years, even if I have to go alone.
+ I’m quitting NaNoWriMo to focus on the project I had been working on, because I want it ready to go by February to agents.
+ I’m going to begin selling my artwork, and taking it more seriously.
+ I’m going to take my health back. My life back.
+ I’m going to break away from all the negatives in my life, and start fresh. New home. New work. New life. No more toxic people slowly killing me.
So I will work harder to earn more. I will write, make artwork, sell Scentsy, do photo shoots, sell my own stuff, save birthday/Christmas/bonus money.
I will not be dust. I will burn up in a brilliant blaze and be ashes.
I am not done yet. There is so much more I have to offer the world, and myself.
~Angel
Misadventures of a Misfit 