In the end, our lives are a sum of our stories – the stories we live, the stories we believe and the stories we leave behind with others. Make yours worth reading.
The above quote could probably be considered the most accurate way to describe how I try to live my life, and really the core of my beliefs. To quote Doctor Who: “We’re all stories in the end.”
I’ve never wanted to live an ordinary life. It bored me to think about. Now, it scares me. Settle down, have a family, work a mediocre job that you secretly despise, grow bitter with someone or everyone, and watch as years fly by. Before you know it, there’s no time left for all of the things you had once wanted to do. That scares me. It isn’t that I don’t want a home, or husband, or children. I want all three, actually. But I don’t want to give up my dreams for those things, and I see that happen a lot. And by no means am I saying you HAVE to give those things up if you get married and have a family. But priorities change (as they honestly should in many situations) to best fit the needs of the family. You work to support yourselves, and sometimes, if there isn’t enough cushion to start, everything else gets pushed to the back burner because you absolutely must provide for the family, first. There is nothing wrong with that.
However, it just isn’t for me.
At one point, I honestly thought that sounded just fine and I could try to write in what little free time I would have and maybe from there someday somehow get something published. But as I really looked at that option, I felt my skin crawl. How could I have worked so hard for so long for something I wanted so very badly — and then honestly consider tossing it to the back for a while to live a semi-normal life. I still heavily debated this option leading up to the Mysterious Sickness of Doom aka Sjogren’s.
But I’m pretty sure it was around the time of my actual diagnosis that I started to realize everything I had tossed away because I was, in fact, becoming one of those people that pushed their dreams aside. Except I didn’t have children to support, or a home to pay for, or anything that honestly justified, in my mind at least, a reason to push my dreams so far off course.
That’s why 2013 sparked the Adventure Overtime, in which I went on more trips in 2013 and did more than I had for quite some time. I set my mind to something and let myself have it. I worked hard to strengthen the writer inside of me who had grown so weak because her fire was dying and the Sjogrens didn’t help whatsoever. I started forcing myself to draw regularly again. I promised myself I would make 2014 even better.
And so far, I have – despite the horrid health issues so far. But we’ll get to the health and whatnot in another post.
The point is, I’m broken and beaten. I’m exhausted beyond anything sleep could ever recover. I’m busting my ass at a job that hates me and holding my head up. I’m writing and drawing and going places, and it’s all somehow leading to something more despite the countless people telling me I can’t do it, shouldn’t do it, etc.
I want so much more than this provincial life.
Anyway, I’ll have a few more posts for you guys, because I’ve been very motivated to give my blog some much needed TLC.
~Angel
Misadventures of a Misfit 