I’m an incredibly confusing person to know, let’s just throw that out there now. I’m a mess of contradiction and chaos and I do what I can to tame it but really, it’s no good most of the time. For example, even though I’m an introvert and quite fond of my alone time, I am quite paralyzed by my autophobia. For those of you that may believe I’m afraid of cars, you are incorrect. You see, autophobia is the fear of being alone. Here’s a copy paste definition:

Autophobia is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated.Sufferers need not be physically alone, but believe that they are being ignored, unloved, threatened by intruders, and so on. Autophobia is also used in its literal context to mean an irrational fear of oneself. It is sometimes associated with self-hatred. Autophobia may be a symptom of other psychological disorders or it may predispose a person to developing other psychological disorders.

Mainly, I am consumed with a dread that I will lose everyone that I care about – I have super abandonment issues, I guess you could say. But I also very much have the literal context: I am afraid of myself. I’m my own worst enemy, to put it very simply. My mind and I do not always agree, and sometimes it’s like I can’t shut my brain up long enough for reason to come through. This is where my very rarely mentioned addiction to cutting became so prominent in my life. I was mislead to believe it a means of control, but really I realize now that hurting myself only lets the other thing win. It has been a long battle, but I’ve been recovering.

Annnnyway, on to the main point of this babble: I’ve had a shit Thanksgiving break for a variety of reasons. The one big positive has been my marathon of InuYasha I’ve been having with myself. I’ve loved this show for years, and it really makes me happy to watch just because it sort of takes me back to a much more simple time in my life. It reminds of of my friends I’ve lost and friends I still have. Good times, etc.

One of my favorite episodes is “The Truth Behind The Nightmare: Battle in the Forest of Sorrows” (of course it has to be the one with the huge friggin’ name.)

Now, I wasn’t really sure what it was about this episode that I adored the first time I watched it. I just knew there was something about one of the lines that haunted me, about how InuYasha’s deepest fear was to be alone, and that the only true way to free himself from it was to die. His companions are all trapped and dying within these nightmares, and he’s desperate to pull them out. Toward the end he realizes he cannot free them himself, he can only encourage them to save themselves.

Watching this episode nowadays, now that I understand things a little better, I realize just how much I identify with InuYasha, especially in this particular episode. He’s the courage of the group, the cocky, brave, strong “I don’t need anybody” sort. A lot of people see me as ‘the strong one’. Even I know how strong I actually am, which is why I have the reminder tattooed on my right wrist. But being this person has good and bad effects. I want to save everyone else. I want so badly to keep my friends from making the mistakes that have nearly destroyed myself and those around me. Sometimes people don’t want to be protected. Sometimes people want to make their own mistakes. That’s their choice, and I need to learn to accept that. I’m trapped in my own nightmare, watching everyone I love fight their own battles, and I am powerless to do anything more than offer my encouragement and stand by their side.

The truth behind the nightmare is that I do not want to be alone. I do not want to lose those I love because they help me keep the courage I need to fight on every single day. Without them, I’m a wounded creature. The fight in the dog will fade.

So, my next post will be back tracking to the most recent holiday: what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

~Angel

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