I am not meant for a normal life. No 9 to 5 job, no burger flipping, no paper pushing. I just go nutso. I can do these things, it’s not like I am incapable of such a task. It simply makes me miserable and takes up my time and leaves me with a million things to do and no time for my creative outlets.
To a regular person, this would be a problem, but likely not a huge matter. But in my world, I need this outlet. Art and writing and photos… They act as stress relief. They keep me in check and make sure I don’t lose my mind. This is how I’ve managed to handle all of the depression and anxiety and being a schizotypal little mess. When I cannot get time to myself to work on these things that make me happy, I start to fall apart.
My stress level is right back to critical, with little red flashing lights and sirens going off screaming at me to relax before it kills me. My body isn’t taking it well because of the Mysterious Sickness of Doom. I feel horrible all the time, sorta like that really awful whole body misery you feel with a really bad cold/flu/strep thing that makes you never want to leave bed. Except magnify that big time. My fever never goes away, it only shoots up, breaks a bit if I’m lucky, then slides down a little. No idea what’s wrong still. Of course.
I’m trying to get my schedule for next semester figured out, but I have no freaking clue how I’m going to get it straightened out since I can’t get registered for some dumb reason plus I have no idea how I’ll pay for it . So FML, and this dumbass college.
I’m trying to take my life back, though. It’s killing me at this point. I’m pushing myself too hard for too many people and really, I don’t need that right now. My health should be a priority, not letting people down or worrying about being broke or whatever. If I’m down for the count, none of that will matter anyway. Not to mention, it’s almost like I’ve given up my dreams. This particularly upsets me, since I was so very close to achieving everything I wanted. But then life tries to eat your face and you get a job and lose focus and… yeah.
So, time to figure shit out and take back what’s mine.
~Angel
Misadventures of a Misfit 